New Here, Just Lost Father
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| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:53pm |
Hi I am new to this board, have been doing a little "lurking" but decided to post to see if there is anyone going through a similar situation as mine...
I just lost my father 11 days ago to pancreatic cancer... he was 74 years young and was diagnosed back in November shortly after Thanksgiving. His doctor was supposed to be such a great doctor, he acted like they had found the cancer early, that chemo and radiation should get rid of it. Well, they managed to shrink the tumor,and my dad even seemed to be feeling better but the doc said that the Whipple procedure where they remove the tumor and some of the pancreas would get rid of it. My father did not want this surgery at first, nor did my mom, but the doctor was so persistent about it and said that they had to have it done at that time or it would be too late if they waited. So my dad gave in and decided to have it done. I wish that he wouldn't have, because he never recovered from the surgery. He had alot of complications and his health kept deteriorating. He was tired and weak and would barely eat anything and was losing weight. The wonderful doctor kept sugar coating everything and said that my dad needed to exercise more and kept encouraging him to eat more, drink Ensure, etc. Well he tried but nothing helped, then he got so weak he kept falling. So around the end of May he was hospitalized for dehydration and malnutrition. Ended up that he had a blockage going from his stomach to his intestines. The cancer had spread and the blockage was inoperable. So they put a drainage tube (forget what it's called) to drain the fluids from his stomach and told us that they couldn't do anything else for my dad and sent him home with Hospice in early June. July 13th he passed away at around 11:30 PM. It was almost a blessing to end his suffering, but it seems like this all happened so fast...when he passed away he was probably only 90 pounds and was so emaciated and skeletal, it was so painful to see him suffering like this. I cried so hard that night on the way over to their house, and when I got there. But in a way I felt relieved that the suffering was over for him.
Now I miss him terribly and it is starting to sink in. I did not cry at the showing/viewing. I cried at the funeral service, saying goodbye, it was so hard of course. I didn't cry for a few days after the funeral and felt like it was weird that I wasn't crying, it was almost like I was numb, I still couldn't believe he was gone.
I still can't believe it, but I went to the cemetery Sunday and got emotional, then yesterday and today I have been feeling anxiety and crying off and on yesterday and today, I feel like he is still here though and kind of talk to him sometimes already. I
I am angry with the doctor who tried to sugarcoat everything and then only to tell us it's too late that nothing else could be done to help him. My dad loved life, why did he have to get sick with this awful disease and have his life taken!?! I know he is in a better place, everyone keeps saying that but why couldn't something more have been done BEFORE it was too late? I know, pancreatic cancer is usually diagnosed later in the more advanced stages...but couldn't this damn doctor have been more honest with us?? Also if he only did the chemo/radiation maybe my dad would have been better off! My mom and siblings and people close to him keep wondering these "what if's"...it's just not fair :( I miss him sooooo much :( :( I have been having trouble sleeping and I know this is all probably normal but I just need someone, something to help the emotional pain that I am going through...
Anyways that is my story, sorry it is kind of long...
XOXOXO
Sue

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You sound like me. When my DH is out of town, I get panic attacks also. I had to go out of town last Thursday, and MAYBE got a couple of hours of interrupted sleep. And the hotel didn't have internet. UGH.
You are going to be okay, you really will. It is just going to take time.
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I am so sorry you are going through all the health issues at this
The sinuses are feeling a little better, but emotionally not feeling so great today...some of it hormonal though which doesn't help. I posted in the "Moving On" section of this board, not really moving on but I want to take a little trip out of town, not far away, it's just this area that is 2 or 2 1/2 hours from here. There is a national park and some caves and the hotel has an indoor heated pool and jacuzzi...I used to "sneak" along with hubby when he went down there on business or would even take our youngest kids. I wanted to do this but with school starting Aug 27th for my 7 year old and Aug 28th for my 5 1/2 year old (she starts Kindergarten!) it may not be possible...unless we just go on a weekend, maybe next weekend when we don't have the older kids and stepkids (four teenage boys), hubby said maybe but I'm not holding my breath on it.
I feel like the summer has just flown by...I was so involved during the month of June and part of July taking care of my dad, which I have no regrets of taking care of him, of course, just wish none of it would have happened (him having cancer), I couldn't enjoy myself or be happy most of the time then because I was so worried and stressed out, etc... I sort of have this empty feeling now, I can't describe it. I just want to get away just for a couple of days, I feel like hubby doesn't understand or care, he says he does but I got in a big argument with him, or rather tried to pick a fight with him this morning, I was in tears, yelling at him, accusing him of a bunch of things. Yes, part of it I know is hormones (I can turn into a real monster during that time of the month), and the other part of it the grieving, I have been bawling my eyes out this morning and sort of tearful still right now but trying to control it better since he is at work and daughters are here. I want to take the kids and dog for a walk but it's too hot out, wanted to fill up the kiddie pool but hubby is going to have his son get started on mowing the grass later this afternoon and it so it will just get a bunch of grass debris in it. Seems like a wasted effort. Arrrrrgh....
I think I will take them to a festival in the nearby town, its small but at least something to do. If I can get motivated to get us all ready...lol
Sorry, I'm having a self-pity day...not good. :(
Sue
Welcome, Mom_micki2007.
I'm so sorry for your loss I know that crushing pain. My dad died unexpectedly on June 11, 2007. He was diagnosed about 7 months ago with CHF (congestive heart failure) but the Dr's said with diet and exercise he'd live a normal, long life. He died in his bed of a heart attack. The crazy thing is he had just had a check up that day, ekg, everything, he was doing great. We can't blame the Dr's for this, with this condition anything can happen. I can't imagine the pain you had to go through to have to watch your dad deteriorate in front of you and be so angry as to why it had to happen at all. I feel that God graced me in a way to take him in his sleep and not have him suffer. I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve, I know he's gone but I don't know if I've really allowed myself to accept it. I was numb at his burial, we had him cremated and buried at sea as he had always said he wanted. He was an avid boater, was the past commodore of his yacht club and an officer with the Auxilliary Coast Guard. It was beautiful and peaceful but I didn't cry, I felt so guilty for not but I felt nothing, my heart was stolen from me and I didn't know what to do. I cry now, at different times for different reasons, a song, a smell, something the kids will say. The pain is a constant and it's unbearable at times. He was my best friend and was just an awesome guy. I've been robbed and I'm angry. I know what you're going through and it sucks and it's maddening and it's so unfair.
My Dad would have been 62 today, it will always be hard for me, it's my dh's Birthday as well.
I'm glad I found this board and I think that we'll both find a lot of love and support here and be able to help others as well.
Hugs
Lynn
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