I'm a train wreck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
I'm a train wreck
7
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 1:04pm

It was suggested under the depression group that I post here...

I have had years of "drama" that has beaten down to emotional train wreck. I am feeling lost and depressed...I am aware of mental state and need to pull myself together but do not have the resources. This is going to be long...my apologies for the length.

The spiral started when my husband was in a life threatening accident. He almost lost a leg but in the end was healed...or so I thought. Four months after the accident my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Over the following year I was involved in her care, surgeries, therapy, home care etc... My husbands behavior was erratic and bizarre but I was so focused on my mother I couldn't give my marriage the attention it needed. He had become addicted to pain killers from his accident and when he could no longer get medication form doctors he sort illegal means to feed his addictions.

After confrontations of money that was missing for no reason and his behavior he finally admitted his addiction. Soon after his getting sober I became very ill, diagnosis pancreatic cancer. I was operated on and found to have an extremely rare tumor that was not cancerous but am at high risk.

I was still attending to my mothers need as her health rapidly declined and was virtually never home... work, hospital, work, hospital...you get the theme. My daughters grew up when I wasn't looking.

My mother passed last September have been in a frozen state. Two years of being on call 24/7 and suddenly I wasn't needed. My daughters were now adults; one has moved out and the other is away at college. After all of this demand of my emotions,time, energy...I was no longer needed. I don't know what to do with myself...I can't seem to move forward. I feel so lost.

My house is a mess..who cares? No one lives here anymore. My husband and I have grown distant...I suspect he is using drugs. My life for over 20 years was taking care of people...I have no one to take care of anymore and have lost my purpose. My daughters are wonderful doing exactly what I raised them to be empathetic, driven, successful...I just miss them so much.

I know I need to move forward...I don't know how

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 7:34pm

(((((Sweetheart)))))

YES, you do have someone to take care of.....YOU!!!!! You are first and foremost. You need to make yourself important and know YOU are important. The local Hospice is a good resource for grief counselors. Try contacting them, I am sure they can get you some help.

Yes, it is a very empty feeling. I am going through this now, not as bad as you, but i understand. My precious dad moved in with us after suffering 2 strokes, Six and a half months ago he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. We had Hospice start coming in and they were God sent. My dh and I took care of him round the clock. OUr lives revolved around him and his needs. My Dad passed away Saturday and it has left a big black hole. We just wander around not knowing what to do. We always had things to do when he was alive but now that he is gone, we are lost. We have to start getting into our lives and it isn't easy. So I do know how you feel to a point. We don't have my dad to take care of anymore and the house is just to silent. DOn't feel alone sweetie, you will be ok.

Try making a list each night of say.....3 things to get done tomorrow. As you do them cross them off. Every couple of days add one or two things and just keep going. Also keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings everyday. SOmetimes writing things down makes you feel better. Your a good mom and a good daughter and a good wife. But you need to take care of yourself right now sweetie and that is ok. Email your daughters, send them funny little things in a care package or a simple phone call just to say hi. You are a wonderful person to have cared so much and done so much care for your mom. How lucky she was to have you by her side.

Please post sweetie, the ladies here are wonderful as are the CL's. Please keep posting so we know how your doing.

Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:19am
First of all, I would like to say that I am very sorry for your loss, continuing struggle, and everything you have endured. I wish I could say something that was a magical help for you, but all I can really do is relate. My story isn't about my parent, but my grandparent. My dad's father got sick when i was 15 years old, with Multimialoma, a bone cancer that is one of the most painful possible. One day he was shovelling the driveway after a snow storm, complained of back pain and laid down on the couch at his and my step-grandmother's house, and he could not get up. When he went to the hospital, he almost immediately started to crash, due to de-toxifying of his body from alcohol, something we did not know at the time. He ended up being in ICU for almost a month, with his body going through withdrawls from alcohol, and we were sure that suddenly my Gramps was not going to be there anymore. We had no idea he even drank, let alone that he was alcoholic.
There was a lot of complication over the next few months, but my Gramps ended up in a nursing home, and my father ended up being his power of attorney, which means that he made all important decisions for my Gramps. It was a very large burden, as I'm sure you know. My dad took a lot of it on himself, but I was always there to help, as well. We went to see my Gramps at least once a week, and brought him clothing, chocolate, etc. Brought him to his chemo treatments, everything. It was constant vigilance, checking up on the hospital and nursing home to make sure he didn't fall through the cracks there, everything. We made sure my Gramps got everything he needed. About 1 1/2 years after he got sick, my Gramps went into remission for a short time, approx. 6 months. It was an unbelievable relief, he even started walking again a little bit. Not much, but a little. We had bought a little bit more time with the man i had known, but realized after the fact that i hadn't really KNOWN him throughout my childhood. He was always this big bear of a man who would sit down on the floor with a child or a puppy, but i did not know my gramps for who he was, and when he got sick I saw the real him, I am still grateful for the chance I got.
To make an even longer story short, my Gramps passed away of pneumonia 3 1/2 years after he originally was diagnosed with cancer, due to the immune system deficiency that was caused by the chemo and whatnot.
When first dealing with my gramps' passing, it was extremely hard for everyone, but more so for myself, and my father. I'm not sure how he dealt with it except to push himself into his work, but I know that I had to push myself to feel as though my job had been done, that I had done everything I could for someone that I loved so much. I reached out to those who loved me and spoke to them about everything, and I had a lot of things to keep me busy.
What I guess I'm trying to say is that putting your story on this board was probably a very smart idea on your part. It was just chance of me looking at it, but I hope what I've said has helped at all. Maybe if you and your daughters got together a little bit it might help, I know that since I moved out I've spent more time with my mom than I used to. If you tell them that you miss them, at least the daughter who moved out will hopefully take more time to spend with you. It's hard from the daughter's point of view to know that your parents need you as much as you need them, not emotionally but to actually realize it. You see your parents as being super-people, even when your'e old enough to know better than to think that. As for your husband, do you think that some sort of couples' councilling will help? If he's using drugs then you might end up having to confront him on it, but maybe opening up the lines of communication will be enough to pull you two back together? I know it seems like a very simple answer compared to the problem, but hopefully you feel a little bit less alone. I don't blame you for feeling like a trainwreck, the loss you have gone through is profound on very many levels, but if you would like someone to talk to more often, e-mail me if you like. Hopefully I could be of help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 8:40pm

Norah, as Gail mentioned it is important for you to take care of you.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2005
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:29pm

Norah first let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. For all that you have gone through and still going through. I know exactly what you are saying, about not feeling needed, My kids are still home, but my Mom lived with us for 15 years, she had congestive heart failure, and it was the last five years of hospital, home and so on. Her last year she was very sick and I was with her 24/7 making all the medical decisions and staying with her pretty much around the clock the last few months of her life. I have always cared for people all my life, siblings and mom and my family. After mom died I took a major depression dive. I am still seeing a counselor, Mom died in October of 2005. I also have many issues that have come out because of the strain and demand of taking care of Mom. I can only say this, that it does get better, bareable, you do have to take care of you first. Don't give up on your marriage just yet, mine went through a very rocky period after I was diagnosed with severe depression. We are still working on our marriage now, after a brief period of his absence from home. I know when I was making all mom's medical decisions and fighting off 9 other siblings because most of them were never there for the 15 years I cared for mom, but then thought they should have a say in how her care was handled at the end stage of her disease, I felt like a complete robot, if you asked me how or what I did then, I don't think I could tell you. I just did, and I feel like I lost all that part of my life.

I guess I want to say your story hit home pretty hard, it sounds so much like mine, your feelings you are dealing with now after your Mom's death echo's how I feel. If I can help in anyway please email me
monguefam@verizon.net

Gentle care of you!!

Valzieandcatt

 

 

  
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:06am

Thank you to everyone for all of your support and advice. I am plugging along trying to get through everyday. I have a few other things going on in my life that really hold me back. I have a SIL who is a cocaine addict & alcoholic so there is drama everyday. I also am in perimenopause...although my docs thought it was stress. I finally had blood work and lo & behold my night sweats were real. I do feel some validation there although it was probably brought on early by stress.

I talk to my daughters everyday were are very close and they are very supportive. We had a girls night Friday - it was wonderful...dinner laughing and no one with drama.

I realize that my overall anxiety, grief and depression may be skewing my views of my marriage. I will not be making any rash decisions there. I was told to set a target of doing 3 things a day...I haven't been able to do 3. Some days 1 - some days 2; I think thats great advice...baby steps.

Thank you all for your support...peace; I mean inner peace to all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 5:25pm
My heart and prayers go out to you. Life does throw us for some loops at times and from what you wrote you have got your share. I didn't get if you were a spiritual person or not. But i also get the feeling that god seems very distant to you in your situation doesnt he? I can't be for certain why these things are allowed by god to happen , but what i do know is that god is there waiting and ready. Im not going to give you a sermon because at this time maybe a sermon is not what you need. I think you need words of encouragment to keep on fighting for the things that are most important. In which you can first start out with life. You once had the courage to fight , its a matter of regaining what you once had. You can do it, if for no one else do it for you! Repeat after me "TODAY IS NOT FOREVER" All things pass and this too shall pass. There is always light at the end of the tunnel as the new day dawns. Take one task at a time and dont dispare but strengthen your resolve to refuse to give in to the trails of life. Smile!! Jesus is still sitting on the throne in heaven and glorify him through those trails and carry your cross and follow him. The blessings you have got are those beautiful daughters of yours whom you have planted in them your legacy that will be carried on for generations to come. Continue to show them the strength you once had and continue to show them how to be gracious, couragous, loving, through lifes trials , so that if they ever have to experience some of the same trials they have you to look to and remember just how you handled them and were able to get through. God Bless You.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:36pm
Just a thought...with a SIL who has major issues...have you checked out AlAnon. It is a self help group for family an friends of alcoholics.

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