Not sure how I should feel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Not sure how I should feel
5
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 2:30am
My story is very long and detailed if you want the details, but for now I'll just give you the short end of it. I dated J for 6 years in total, off-and-on. By off-and-on I really mean we dated for 3 years, broke up for 9 months, got back together and dated for a little bit more than 2 years and broke up on March 3rd. I broke up with him more than any other reason because I knew I couldn't be the person that he would need me to be for him to be happy. He was always a moody person, sometimes so happy that he'd be jumping up and down, then getting really angry less than 10 minutes later. He was always anti-social to some extent and wasn't much for social obligations, preferring to stay at his house and play computer games, talk on msn messenger or such.
BUT anyways, we broke up Mach 3rd and were nice for about a week, then he asked that I did not contact him anymore, and I didn't. Assorted things happened for him to message me, and to be completely honest he didn't often say nice things to me when he did message me. I expected it, he never took sadness very well, often internalizing it to anger instead. I never answered any of his messages, thinking he was just angry at me, and there was nothing that could be said to change the fact that I knew I'd never make him happy the way we both were. I wish I had.
On June 24th, he committed suicide. He didn't leave a note, he didn't say good-bye to anyone, and he placed a magnet next to his computer tower, completely wiping it of any information whatsoever. The only indication to his state of mind was his iPod, which he had with him repeating a Black Sabbath song about heartbreak and women. His high school yearbooks had been brought out of storage about a week before that, and some sports trophies had been moved by him when his parents were out in the few weeks before he did it. His mom thought he might have had friends over, she always knew exactly what happened in his house.
The viewings were really hard, and the funeral wasn't any easier. Seeing my high school sweetheart so young in a casket like he was... even now, two months after seeing it, brings tears to my eyes. I moved on with my life in the three months after we broke up, feeling fine and justified with it. But since he passed away, I feel kind of lost. I never thought we'd get back together, but I did hope that he'd move on sooner or later and maybe we could rebuild a friendship, even if not a close one. I started dating a really good friend, our relationship progressed, I've kept on with my life as I always have, but when I'm alone, I still feel really sad. I hear songs about heartbreak and they all seem to speak to me, like Maroon 5's Won't Go Home Without You. I just... I miss him being around at all. I think about him a lot, even though I push the thoughts away as much as possible. I feel guilty sometimes, like i'm heartless for not being more affected by it in my daily life, but knowing that if I let it affect me, i'd torture myself, wondering what I could have done differently, what might have happened differently if I had not broken up with him (even though I knew I couldn't stay in the relationship, we were NOT right for one another), if the relationship ending had anything to do with what happened to him. I find it hard to think that it didn't, being the song that was on there, and his high school yearbooks being pulled out a few days beforehand was odd since he was never into the yearbook high school experience stuff. I just... I don't know what i'm looking for by posting on this board, but hopefully someone will have something to say that will help me put all of it into perspective. Maybe I should talk to someone about it... I don't know. If anyone has anything to say, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:38am

Hello and welcome to the board.


From your description your bf sounds like he was suffering from depression, perhaps even bi-polar. Now, mind you, I am not a doctor of any kind, but I have friends who suffer.


Hospice has some good grief counsellors, and there are organizations I can't remember right now, for friends/familes of suicides. I know someone will remember the names.


Peace to you and be welcome here.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket



Follow me to my partners in the siggie exchange





follow me to my favorite places on ivillage


Alcohol Problems Board


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:28pm

Welcome to our board, (((((Alie_libby14))))).

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 4:57pm
Well maybe i can help with just a few words of sympathy. What your ex-boyfriend did wasn't your fault, i imagine you've already been told that, but its true. He was always probably contemplating drastic measures before you broke up with him. Sometimes its really hard to know what goes on in the mind of someone who reaches the point of desperation. Could you have seen the signs? maybe and maybe not, but the reality is that someone who contemplates suicide is only thinking of themselves and rarely thinks of the other people thier leaving behind. Some would even say it was quite inconsiderate and downright selfish that he would do this , especially without taking his family and you into consideration. Even if he even thought there was a remote posibility that you and he would reconcile, you would think that in itself would have given him enough hope to stay alive , if for nothing else, for you, right? No you have every right to go on with your life and persue a life of happiness. Im not saying to forget him because god allows all of us to cross paths with so many people in our life journey and some are sometimes filled with pain and some are filled with joy but anyway you look at it , its life and its the good memories that we choose to cling on to. My advice to you is Live, laugh and love. God Bless You.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:57pm

I might sound a bit harsh BUT here it goes. What I got from your post is that you're fine but you should be more upset? I think you want to be the "fault" of this man's suicide so you are hanging on to that drama. STOP....this man killed himself for no better reason than he is a selfish man. This has nothing to do with you and you need to avoid playing out that fantasy. You let him go in life now let him go in death. If you don't then you like feeling this way and no one can help you on this board.

Kiki

Yes, I think you are talking to other people about this implying YOU are the reason he killed himself which makes you important somehow. STOP doing this. If this isn't how it is then you need to seriously re-read your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:04am

Honey, it sounds like you have been trusting your own judgment throughout.

AcornLeaves