Is it grief or am I falling out of love?
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| Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:16am |
I know I've never posted here but I just needed somewhere to vent.
My father passed away very, very suddenly in April. Prior to this loss, my life was perfect. I have a great job, had just moved into a great apartment, was newly engaged and planning my Feb. 08 wedding. My life was perfect. Then my father passed. I went from carefree and happy to sad, angry, frustrated and lost. My brother doesn't help my mom much so I've taken on the huge responsibility of making sure she's okay, helping her sort of out my father's estate and just being her best friend. I wouldn't trade that but it's a bit overwhelming. I live 2 1/2 hours away from my mom so it's been draining on so many levels (stress from travel, cost, etc).
My emotions are like a loose cannon. I go from happy to mad in a second. I cry more often than not. I don't sleep well so I am constantly exhausted. My fiance and I NEVER fought before and it seems we bicker more and more. I realize it's because I'm frazzled and stressed. He has been wonderful and understands completely.
Well, it's now about 4 months later and I'm still sad, angry, confused, stressed, exhausted, etc. I'm scared of what my relationship has become. I'm not myself and, in turn, we aren't who we used to be. I don't get butterflies anymore. I don't get that "I'm in love" feeling. I know I love him...he's my best friend. I just don't feel like I'm in love anymore and I hate it. I can't tell if I'm emotionally numb or if we just don't fit anymore. It breaks my heart because we were so perfect. My father loved him. I loved him. We made each other happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I can't tell...is it grief or am I falling out of love?
:-(

(((((Colleen))))), it sounds as though this may well be grief.
((((((Colleen, sweetheart,))))))
I am so very sorry for your loss. When you have lost someone in your life, its like everything is turned upside down. You sound very tired and overwhelmed. I personally feel that you should seek a grief therapist to help you through your feelings and emotions, as this would help you a great deal. Also writing in a journal can be very helpful aswell.
You must try to take care of yourself emotionally and physcially as you will not be able to help anyone else.As for your mom, I would strongly suggest that you find some one else to help her out in different areas as travelling 2 and half hours back and forth can be very tiring and stressful.
Whenever you need a soft place to fall or you just need to vent , you are always welcome to post here as the women here are very helpful, support, caring and compassionate. Please keep in touch with us so that we all know how you are doing.
(((((((hugs)))))))
Miriam
I don't think you're falling out of love and I do agree that you're numb. I remember when my father passed away in 1994 I had all these bruises all over my body. Had no idea what was happening to me until I realized that I no longer felt anything so I was always running into things and bruising myself. It was the oddest thing but I just didn't feel ANYTHING. You have suffered a huge loss and as much as i hate to say this but what you are experiencing is very normal.
Do not make a decision in regards to your relationship right now. He knows why you are fighting with him and he will hold your hand through it all with love.
Maybe part of this is the pain is so severe that you are pushing him away for fear of hurting more. That happens too.......persevere through this and know life is different and will never be the same BUT that doesn't mean that you have to lose all that you love.
Also can I recommend you be very careful how much time you spend with your mother right now? Don't fall into the trap of feeling like you need to hold her hand through life now that she has lost her love. I made that mistake and got caught up and forgot that I needed to take care of me too.
Good luck and my deepest sympathies.
Kiki
I cannot thank you all enough for your kind words. It was so nice to read your responses and feel, for the first time, that my feelings/emotions are somewhat normal.
My fiance and I went away this weekend (Saturday was 4 months). While it was running through my mind, I found peace and comfort with my fiance. I feel like I used to with him. I felt loved and special and back to normal, if only for a weekend. I did take time to call my mom and check in but it was a nice break from playing "caregiver".
You're all correct and made me realize how much I have been neglecting myself. I am really going to try to take better care of myself.
Thank you so much for your support. I truly appreciate it.
PS- My mom went to the cemetary on Saturday for the first time. There was a spotted fawn on my dad's grave. My dad was an avid outdoorsman. I actually said to my mom at the funeral that Dad would have his own personal deer at the cemetary. It sounds simple, but it really made me smile and comforted me. :-)
I love the story about the deer! And I am so glad that you were able to get some time away for you and your fiance. You deserve to treat yourself with kindness!
I am so glad to hear from you!
Your weekend sounds lovely and special ... serene.
Our weekend was perfect. It made me see that things are and will be okay with my fiance. It also made me realize that I can be okay...and that things will get better, even if it is slowly.
As for signs, the cemetary story really hit me. I have had so many signs from my dad and that has really helped me through...
1) Shortly after my father passed, my fiance and I were sitting in our living room and I was telling him a story about my father and how my dad fought with my grandfather and how they never got along. As I said "I don't know if my dad ever got over it"...a bag that was leaned against the wall fell over...not just fell but spilled all over, like someone kicked it. My fiance and I just looked at each other and we knew, Dad is okay with it! :-)
2) Shortly after my father passed, I took up golf. My dad was an avid golfer and always tried to teach me. I thought learning could be therapeautic. My first time golfing I just felt funny. I knew he was with me. On one hole I putted the ball and it went past the hole and to the left and stopped. All the suddent it went way back to the right, passed the hole and shot back down into the hole. My fiance and the two men we were golfing with just stared. It was literally like my father kicked the ball in. It was incredible.
3) About a month and a half ago I was very upset. I cried and cried and told my fiance that I just wanted a sign. He said that I have had signs and maybe I was asking to much. I told him that I wanted a huge sign. He tried to calm me down and get me to think rationally but I wouldn't give in. The next day we pulled into the laundromat. We parked right in front of the door. I was fixated on a tiny little puddle in the next parking space. I couldn't stop staring. I walked past it and hopped over it. My fiance could have walked straight into the store but instead, he went behind the car and hopped over the same puddle. I kept thinking that it was strange how we both did so. We went into the laundromat, go our clothes and came back out. Chris jumped the puddle again and I followed. I was about to when I stopped. I looked down and next to this tiny little puddle was a fishing sinker. It was NOT there when we went it. My father was an avid fisherman...it was his favorite activity. Ironically, the fishing sinker is one you would use to catch a striped bass...like the bass hanging in my house. It was my father's pride and joy! :-)
4) On July 24th, I went to bed around 9pm. I knew the 25th was 3 months so I just wanted rest. At about 11:15pm my fiances golf clubs fell over in the bedroom. He ran in from the living room and I just laid there and said "something fell". He was in panic mode as I guess they made a huge thud. I wasn't even phased...which is not like me at all. I normally wake up to the tinyest noise and freak out. Chris put his golf clubs up on an angle in the corner so they wouldn't fall. At 1:04am they fell again. Chris ran in again and I was, again, very calm. Chris laughed at how calm I was. He couldn't understand why they fell...he put them on an angle in the corner. He didn't get it. I did. 11:15 was when my father went in the ambulance and 1:04am was his time of death. It was like he was there and wanted me to know he was okay. I guess he knew I would figure out the times and how they went together. It was amazing.
Thank you for letting me share. These signs made my days so much easier. I truly appreciate this board. I needed to vent to someone and I appreciate you all so much!
Wonderful stories!
I think maybe it is time once again to post about Dreams and Signs =)