Just going through alot...
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| Thu, 08-30-2007 - 5:21pm |
I want to appologize in advance for the length!!!!!
I haven't really talked to anyone about my loss because I am the one that everyone has been talking to. I recently lost my mother-in-law. We weren't best of friends, but we were pretty close.
She was murdered by her exhusband (my father-in-law). When they were together, there was alot of abuse. He abused her, their two sons and her two daughters from a previous marriage. She finally got out after about 20 years. She went back to him off and on over the past few years, but she had just recently really moved on. She finally had a permenant place to stay (she had lived between a daughter, her mother, and our house), she was working as a housekeeper, and found a good man that treated her right. We think this is what set him off. Even though he had actually remarried a couple of months before, he still asked about her and tried to find out what was going on with her. (She and all of the kids, including one of his from another marriage, all had/have orders of protection out against him. My brother-in-law actually took out the first 10 yr. order of protection taken out in Arkansas)
On July 29th, he called her and convinced her (we aren't sure how, but we think it was a threat of some sort) to meet him at a gas station. A witness say him speed off with his passenger door still open. We think he grabbed her by the hair or something and pulled her into his truck and sped off. A few minutes later, there was a 911 call. A woman called 911 and said a man was standing over the body of a woman in the road. She said she saw a motorcycle pulling up and when the man saw the motorcycle he grabbed the woman off of the ground and put her back in the truck.
My father-in-law (I hate calling him that because I hate to claim him) then called my sister-in-law's bf and told him that Kay (mother-in-law) went crazy and jumped out of his truck. He then said he was driving her to the hospital. Then the sister-in-law contacted another sister and then us. Me, my husband and his brother (along with a few friends) were all on a canoe trip. We were actually on the river and couldn't get off at that point. We didn't know what condition she was in at that point. The doctors wouldn't say anything but that she was alive. We paddled as hard as we could to get to the end of route. During this time, we got a call that said she was in a coma and in critical condition. We wanted to drive home right then, but they told us to hold off because they were going to airlift her to a hospital that was actually closer to where we were. As soon as we found out what hospital and how to get there, we got in the car and headed that way. We beat the helecopter there. They wouldn't let us see her at first. Then we could go in 2 by 2. Then we had a meeting...the prognosis was not good, but as of right now, they gave it a 50/50 chance. They decided to get her to ICU. Then we had another meeting...the specialist they called in came to talk to us. Her brain had hurniated and there was no reversal at this point. If she did make it, she would be in a vegitative state. Of course lots of tears and anger because we knew what happened. (Luckily her ex was taken into custody at the first hospital and charged with First degree battery and being held on a $250,000 cash-only bond) I still had not seen her at this point. When she was finally moved into ICU, they allowed everyone to see her at once, all they wanted...because of how serious her condition was. I got to go in and see her.
Her face was horribly bruised. He apparently had beaten her. She had no scraps, or scratches anywhere on her body. The back of her head had been crushed...either by the road or some blunt object...they thought it could have possible been a tire tool. If someone where to jump out of a moving truck, they would have some sort of road rash, right? We all spent lots of time with her and it was late, about 1 am and the nurses told us to go to the lobby and try to get some rest. They said they would let us know if anything changed. (They had had some trouble controlling her blood pressure and pulse)
Around 2 am, the nurse came into the lobby and said she had taken a turn for the worse and we should all come in. We all got up and walked into the ICU, as we were walking down the hall, we heard all of the alarms and everything going off.....WE RAN into her room. (The family had given a DNR order earlier because she had flatlined a couple of times and they were just prolonging the inevitable) The nurse told us to come in closer. Everyone went up to her bed, some people grabbed her hands, her mother was stoking her hair. The doctor came up and listened to her heart and looked at the clock...we knew what that meant. Then he walked over and turned off the ventilator. Time of death 2:15 am July 30th.
You think that would be the hardest part, but it wasn't. We still had a funeral to arrange and a murder to deal with. We knew what she wanted as far as her funeral went. The kids did a wonderful job putting it together. I got up and spoke at ceremony, which was very hard for me because I am a very quiet and shy person. We buried her ashes on her dad's grave just like she wanted.
Then it came time to deal with the other part of this...
The prosocuting attorney asked the kids to give statements about the abuse that went on in their house. They had charged him with first Degree battery and Manslughter. They charged him as a habitual offender...which means he has 2 or more convictions of abuse. They pulled up all his arrests and the calls and the orders of protection...I swear that pile of papers was like 2 feet tall. We met with the prosecuter and it didn't look too good. They can only convict him of one of those charges and not both. The battery charge carries a sentence of 5-20, manslaughter carries a sentence of 3-10. Since he is charged as a habitual offender, it goes from 5-40 and 3-20.
We had to go to court the day before yesterday for his arrainment. For some reason his lawyer didn't show up though. We are secretly hoping his lawyer dropped him. He came out of the holding cell and said his lawyer wasn't there and he didn't know why. The judge talked to him for a minute then he walked back to the cell. At first he was holding his head down, but then he turned and gave us a long cold look. All I could do is stare at him. I wanted to jump up and run over and beat him like he beat her, but luckily I have a little self control. They rescheduled for September 18th.
This is only the beginning. We haven't even gotten to the trial yet. It will probably be months before that is here. I hope I can handle it.
On top of all this...we think I am pregnant. I am about 2 weeks late. We would have concieved the week of her death. If we are we are considering naming the baby after her (if it is a girl of course). But it may just be the stess of everything making me late...but honestly I don't FEEL stressed. Who knows! I guess we will find out in a couple of weeks or so.
Well thanks for letting me rant! I don't ever get to do it.

OH MY HEAVENS!!!
My new friend don't apologize for length or ranting, you have a lot to rant about!!!!
Oh, uh, welcome. Sorry, should have done that first. I am Beth, one of the cls. You are so very welcome here, please know that we care- a lot. You can come and say whatever you need to here.
(Let us know about the pregnancy too)
THANKS ALOT!
I haven't really talked to anyone because I have been trying my best to be here for my husband. He was very close to his mother. We still have to go through her belongings. Alot of her stuff is here because she lived here for a long time. We decided to go through her things next weekend. I know that is going to be hard to do.
(((((Honey))))), I am so terribly sorry to learn of your loss.
Well, I found out that I am not pregnant. I am sad, but relieved at the same time. I want a baby, but I don't think this is the right time to bring one into the world. Not with everything going on. I am sure the stress of the upcoming trial would not be good at all for him or her.
As for a therapist, I used to see one, but I didn't like going to her. I don't think she was very good at what she is supposed to be doing. I thought about making an appt. with my husband's but found out she is full.
I always keep a journal. I have for years. It helps me more than anything. I don't always have something to write everyday, but I write in it at least once a week. I am going to write in it tonight actually.
Along with the trial and all the hearing coming up, there is other drama going on with my husband's half-brother (same dad). But he doesn't come to us, he talks to all kinds of people and a few of them are my friends and they let me know what he is up to. He is getting a laywer so he can "get what he deserves" from my MIL's estate(his words, not mine). But he can't get anything, she wasn't his mom, and there isn't much to get anyway. Unless he wants her clothes (and if he does, he is weird...lol).And he said at the funeral that he was "pissed off" (again, his words, not mine) that he wasn't included in the obituary or anything. Well there was good reason for that...HE WASN'T HER SON, and he always, always took up for his dad, everytime she was beaten, he took up for him. I couldn't believe he brought that up at the funeral. His sister told him it wasn't the place or the time and he cussed her out. We never really had much to do with him, or his dad cause obviously they aren't good people.
The rest of the family is trying to grieve and handle the trips to court, and he is bring up all kinds of trouble. He has no shame...
But anyway, thanks to everyone who reads/responds to this! I know I ramble on alot!
I would strongly encourage you to see a counselor who specializes in grief therapy, especially in your situation.