Preparing for death - checklist?
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| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 12:32am |
My Ex and I reunited about 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, strictly so I could take care of him and he could spend more of his remaining time with our kids (DS-13, DD-10). It looks like it's coming down to the wire. The cancer is spreading aggressively, it's inoperable, and Chemo doesn't work. A rough guess is 2-3 months, with the last month being pretty sick.
What do I do with those two good(ish) months? I think we've got the paperwork covered with wills, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, living will, advanced directive, etc. I have not planned his cremation yet, so I know that's a huge ToDo. I just haven't wanted to do it. :-( Plus I know there are things I'm just not thinking of, and I'm hoping you folks can help me with these things and checklists.
I'm "it". He's estranged from his family, and my family has scattered. I have 2 or 3 close friends I plan to enlist help from.
I want everything planned out ahead of time, so that all I have to do is 1) help my kids deal with their father's death and 2) deal with my own grief. I'm pretty sure I won't be thinking clearly, and I know I won't have much help, so what do I need to do?
When the moment comes, whom do I call? How do you let everyone know? Should I set up telephone trees?
After the funeral, is an 'after gathering' expected at least for the out-of-state guests? My house is a wreck; am I expected to hold it at my house?
Can someone walk me through what I need to do, from calling the funeral home to what paperwork to file where? What do kids wear? I'll try to buy a black suit/dress. DS-13 should have a suit, and what does DD-10 wear?
There is so much. My head is spinning.
I know you people here are grieving your own losses, so I hope I'm not being insensitive. I just don't know where else to ask. The bookstore and Google failed me. If you'd rather answer offline, you can click on my handle and iVillage will direct you to my eAddress.
I very much appreciate any tips, ideas... anything. I'm lost!
Soonee

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(((((((((Soonee))))))))))))
2½ years ago I was close to where you are now. My husband was dying of cancer. I didn't have anyone to guide me (no one I knew had been through this before), but I had a great support system. I'll give you as many answers as I can remember.
>>What do I do with those two good(ish) months?
Have as much fun as you can - build good memories for your children if at all possible. And for you. Also, if he stops eating, don't yell at him. I tell you this because my husband stopped eating about 2 months before he died. When we got to hospice, they explained that is a normal part of dying, but when it happened, I didn't know that, and I yelled at him all the time trying to get him to eat. I still have terrible guilt over that.
>>I have not planned his cremation yet, so I know that's a huge ToDo. I just haven't wanted to do it. :-(
I know it's hard, but you should go ahead and make the final arrangements. I was told by several people that if I waited until after he died, prices would go up. Also, the funeral director will be able to help you figure out any paperwork you've missed.
>>When the moment comes, whom do I call? How do you let everyone know? Should I set up telephone trees?
A telephone tree sounds like a good idea. You said you have 2 or 3 close friends you can enlist for help. Keep them informed and give them a list of phone numbers to call. One thing I did was an email list. Anyone who said, "please keep me informed", I asked for their email list and they went on the list. Then anytime anything happened, I would type one email and send it to the whole group. Everyone got first hand information, and I didn't have to go over and over it, and I didn't have to worry about who I forgot to tell.
>>After the funeral, is an 'after gathering' expected at least for the out-of-state guests? My house is a wreck; am I expected to hold it at my house?
Some good advice I got was, "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." We had a memorial service at our church where we were very involved. We had a reception afterward at my mom's house. Would one of your friends be willing to host? My husband had a lot of friends and family, so we had a fairly large gathering. You say your husband is estranged from his family. How many people are you going to have to deal with? If it's just a few friends, maybe you could just get together and go out to dinner afterward.
>>Can someone walk me through what I need to do, from calling the funeral home to what paperwork to file where? What do kids wear? I'll try to buy a black suit/dress. DS-13 should have a suit, and what does DD-10 wear?
Is hospice involved? My husband was in a hospice center when he died. They took care of calling the funeral home and everything. My best friend bought my dress and my daughter's dress (she was 6 at the time). She bought me a black dress, and my daughter a pale green dress - she thought black may be too traumatic for a child. Your daughter is 10, tho. Maybe you could take her and let her pick the dress she wants to wear. Do your children know what's happening? If not, you need to sit down with them and have a good long talk. It's ok for them to cry and it's ok for your to cry in front of them. Don't hide your emotions from them - if you do, they will think that what they're feeling isn't normal. About 4 months before he died, my daughter informed me that she thought daddy was just going to get sicker and sicker and he might die. Up until that point, I thought we had shielded her well from that possibility, but kids have ears and hearts and they listen with both of them all the time. After that, I tried to keep her pretty well abreast of the situation. When the doctors told us they couldn't treat anymore, I sat her down and told her, "Remember when you said you thought daddy might get sicker and sicker and he might die?" She started to cry, and I still told her that was what was going to happen. She needed to know to be prepared. That was a really bad day for both of us, but surprisingly, when he did die (2 weeks later), she handled it pretty well. After he died, I bought a book called, "Healing Children's Grief" written especially about children who lose parents to cancer. One of the ongoing complaints of children - and especially the preteen/early teen set - was that they had no idea what was going on, no one kept them informed. It left a lot of anger. So make sure your kids know what's going on, and that they have time to prepare - they need it as much as you do.
Well, I think that's all I can tell you. You've got a hard road ahead. My prayers are with you.
Blessings,
Maria
Thank you so much, Maria.
I don't see why the country club would be tacky, but then I'm not really up on social graces. Another option, tho, would be the fellowship hall at your church - assuming they have one...
Blessings,
Maria
Welcome, ((((((Soonee)))))!
Wow!
Hi hun and big huge (((HUGS))) to ya....
wow sounds like u are really really together. I found that after my brothers sudden death,one persson u may want to find is the minister or whoever you/he may choose. We chose a minister because although my sis n I went to 12 years of catholic school my brother made it to grade 4 and didn't share the catholic beliefs so we chose a very neutral party. We actually found him thru the guy from the cemetary. he was awesome and also has a counseling service which I am finding a lot do. How about a grief counselor. take a couple visits and ask them not only the practical things to do but also the very very personal family dynamics which go along with the death of a loved one.
I am getting my masters right now in child life. A child life specialist... We talk about death a lot and have found that with anyone open communication and not pretending are so very important. I would like to share something I have learned thru the patients and families I have dealt with who are in the process of dying.If members of a family can share all the emotions that surround death and do it 2gether, they will slowly face the reality of impending seperation and come to an acceptance of it 2gether.
Also a warning from my own personal experience. When someone is in the process of dying the last and final phase of death can be the most heartbreaking for the family. This is just before the person dies they will tend to detach themselves from the world and even their family. Not always but I have seen it most every time. The family gets hurt by their loved ones reactions they think their dying for gods sake why r they reacting to us this way? Well generally I have found that the people who detach themselves in the very end have found PEACE and ACCEPTANCE of their death and have to seperate themselves from their enviroment and their loved ones.It seems like the person gradually is seperating themselves from the world in all senses. Please if this happens don't take this as rejection. I have read time n time again that only people who have worked thru their dying are able to detach themselves slowly and peacefully. If this happens take this as a source of comfort. This is the time u n the kids will need the MOST SUPPORT..
Also we had my brothers reception after the funeral and our own family "private burial"., then afterwards we went to the Elks for food and reminicing about my greatest guy my baby bro. :(
cry, talk , scream whatever u need to do. Share vent. You know just thought perhaps if your ex will be put in hospice you will be dealing with a social worker they can also help you with any other matters we may all be 4getting. it is all such a blur to me. I swear one thing I regret is not have taken a single picture at the reception. Also I can tell u that seeing the body coming in a casket be4 the funeral will be a HUGE HUGE hard thing for the kids to deal with make sure they r with someone right then as sometimes it doesn't hit ppl hard till they actually see the casket.(((HUGS))) steff
hope that helps if just a little bit. How bout picking out music? who will speak? what he/you want said or not said at the funeral.
I am so very sorry to hear of what you and your family are going through.
I lost my mom July 5th to lymphoma.
A child life specialist - how interesting!
I'm sorry you lost your Mom.
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