trying desperately to understand...
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| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 10:50am |
Hi,
I am new here.
My father, age 51, committed suicide on Tuesday of this week.
I am completely at a loss. He had no signs, no one thought he'd ever do something like this.
I am only 30 and have two younger sisters. There is so much in our lives that he'll never be a part of.
I go from being so mad to so sad in every second.
DH and I have been married for 10 years and have been trying for our first baby since may. My dad has been asking for years 'when am i gonna get a grand baby?'. We hadn't told anyone we were trying because we wanted it to be a surprise. Now I don't know if I even want to try anymore, ya know?
I just feel so sad.
My mind keeps taking me to the most morbid places... like was he crying when he did it, what kind of gun did he use, was the thinking of me....
how will i ever get past this?

(((((((((((Mandispring))))))))
My heart goes out to you. Unexpected death is difficult enough to deal with, but suicide makes it even more difficult. There are other posters who have lost someone due to suicide, and I am sure they will post.
Please know that you are welcome here.
(((((Mandispring))))), I want to offer you my condolences on the sad circumstances that have brought you here.
mandispring,
First off, I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. I know what it's like to lose a father, though not by suicide, and I know what it's like to lose loved ones to suicide. It's never an easy thing and you're going to go through so many emotions over the next days, weeks, months, years.
It's fairly rare that we truly understand what made a person take their own life. For most of us, while the thought may have crossed our minds at some point in our life, there is something that holds us back...mostly the thought of hurting our families and loved ones so deeply. For those who do commit suicide I believe that they truly, at that moment, cannot get past the pain they're feeling to think about what effects this will have on the people around them for if they could they wouldn't do it.
Everything you're going to feel is completely normal. Even after 3 and 4 years of losing loved ones to suicide I still have moments of anger and guilt and complete sadness but those feelings will start to lessen. Eventually you'll wake up and it won't be the first thought on your mind. Sometimes you won't even think about it for a day or so.
Losing a father is equally difficult because you think of all those things that he won't be around for. I always think that my dad won't be able to walk me down the aisle whenever I do finally get married. He's not there when I want a man's advice or when my mother is irritating me. I even have a health issue going on right now and I can't ask him about his family's health history because he's not here. These things are always going to be there and unfortunately he took that away from you but you will eventually forgive him.
I don't know how you feel about one on one therapy but I would suggest it when you're ready. I'd also suggest finding a suicide survivors support group in your area. I was never one for support groups but it was so amazing being around people who went through the same experience I did and could understand what I was feeling when everyone else couldn't. The American Association of Suicide (www.suicidology.org) and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.afsp.org) can help you find one in your area. Also there are a few books that I read that I always highly recommend to people who have lost someone to suicide:
No Time To Say Goodbye by Carla Fine
Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison
An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk feel free to e-mail me or just post back on the board. There are a ton of people here who are understanding and can listen.
Julie
thanks for your words of encouragement.
i am strangely calm today. i'm sure this is normal and who knows what tomorrow will bring.
i know it's a long process and i'll never be 'back to normal'.
the hardest part is just not understanding.
guess i'm not supposed to understand.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my Dad in a tragic train accident seven years ago. No time to say goodbye, just killed instantly and I know the loss you feel except the unanswered questions of why he did it. I have been at times to the brink of thinking I could do it because things seemed so bleak and that they would never be resolved and I would hurt forever. All I can do now is treasure the absolutely wonderful years I had with him and be thankful I had him as long as I did. Now that my son died 8 weeks ago, I wish I had Dad even more than ever to help me through this. I pray for you to have strength as you go through this journey without your Dad and I'll have you in my prayers.
Susie
I lost my best friend suddenly five weeks ago.
((((hugs))))