Sleeping when mom passed
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| Sun, 09-09-2007 - 6:43pm |
Hi everyone! I have been lurking here for a while...it has been comforting to see I am not alone in my grieving.
My mom passed away July 5th, 2 months and 22 days from when we found out she had terminal cancer. She passed away at her home. My sister and I were there with her. That night is something I have not shared with anyone... it is so hard.
At 7:30am her live in care giver checked on her and she was still breathing. (She had basically become unresponsive in the night). We moved her hospital bed next to the bed earlier in the week, so I was sleeping next to her. At 8am her caregiver woke us to tell us she was gone. I woke up to "I am sorry...". I was right next to her and did not even know she left. I feel so guilty and sad... we had been up with her most of the night and my sister and I were so exhausted. But I just feel like a moron because I did not know and I was right there. She died and I did not even know it. I feel like I let her down - I feel selfish. I feel so bad.
I feel bad about a lot of things... I know guilt is part of grieving. I lost my dad when I was 9 back in 1978 - that was a sudden heart attack while he was at work - he was gone instantly. It was so devastating when I lost him - but now I wonder if it is a blessing he went so quickly compared to what my mom went through.
I just really miss her. I catch myself thinking sometimes... it will all be better when I get back to being myself again. But I will never be the old me - my mom is gone now. And although I would not do it differently - I was there for her as much as I could be and was there for her in that last day and night - I won't ever be the same. I guess just time is what it is going to take to find my new "normal". I am going to call the local hospice (not the one she was in - she lived about 45 minutes from me) to see what kind of support and help I can get - because I really think I need it. I am very afraid of falling into something I will not be able to get out of.
Thanks for listening.
Sheri

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((((((Sheri))))))
I am so sorry for your losses. My Mom died July, 2001 and my sister died December, 2004. Mama had been at a nursing home because Daddy was unable to care for her as her dementia worsened. We sat with her and sang to her and prayed. The nurses told us to go home, that our health was important (especially Daddy, who we later found out had pneumonia.) About an hour after we left, she left us. When we expressed the "we let her down" feelings, one nurse explained that it was Mama's last act of taking care of us, so the moment was not etched into our memories.
When Geri passed, I was at the hospital, but the cleaning crew had used a cleaner, the scent of which caused an allergic reaction. I left to take medication (just down the hall) and Geri passed away.
I am not the same as I was. Life isn't the same. It is, however, good. I enjoy my DH and my girls and my day to day existence. Yes, they are missing, but not really. It is hard to explain.
Please know that we all welcome you here with open arms, a cup of tea or coffee and a shoulder on which to cry.
Welcome, (((((Sheri))))).
A similar thing happened to me when my Mom died. I had stayed up all night and went to sleep when "another shift" started. Please do not feel guilty. We can not control the time nor place of death and you had to get some rest to function.
The loss you feel will be with you for a long time but each day you will be able to cope with it a little better. Try and remember the good times, the times she brought you happiness and laughter. She is in God's hands now and is probably looking down on you with pride and love for she I am sure sensed your love for her. God Bless
I am so sorry for your loss.
(((((Sweetie)))))
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please remember you were there, right by her side. She could hear you breath and she could watch her daughter sleeping like she did a thousand times when you were little. Seeing you and hearing you beside her comforted her.
I lost my mom in Dec of 2004, we went for a ride to see some friends after being at the nursing home all day and into the early evening. We were't to far from the nursing home and my dh asked me if I wanted to stop and I said no, I was being selfish and felt I needed time with our friends. A half hour later we got the call that she was gone. Yes I felt guilty, but I finally realized that that was the way my mom wanted it. My dad just passed away July 28th of this year and he was living with us under hospice and whenever we went outside for a smoke we checked on him and when we came in we checked on him again. We our oldest son and his wife where with us and we went for a smoke and they got ready to leave and my dh went in first as I said good by to the kids and when I came in my dad was already gone. Stupid smoking took that last few minutes away with my dad. But, again, that is the way he wanted it.
Remember sweetheart, you were there beside her.
Take care sweetheart.
Love ya
Gail
xoxoxoxoxoxo
THANK
((((((((((hrothgarblue)))))))))))))
(((((Sheri))))), you will know when you are ready to call hospice.
Dear Sheri,
I am just awstruck with your post...you sound so much like me it isn't even funny! I lost my mom back in 2005 from Pancreatic cancer...she was diagnosed and within 2 weeks she passed. She was my world, my life.. everything..and since my father died in 1992 from cancer as well...her and I became like 2 peas in a pod. It's so hard even now to think back on all these things...lifes been tough without her...I'm 26..and most times if not for my loving boyfriend and my 2 wild n crazy dogs I feel I want to join her sometimes. I think you deciding to do counseling or something is such a great idea!! You need to talk to someone, and its great to have that support..its hard to explain or even begin to explain to others who have not went through this how much it hurts. There isn't a day that goes by I don't talk about, think about or imagine my mom....I was right there for her through her illness, not quite as long as your mothers...but she was also given hospice care, they weren't really that responsive where we lived I took care of her pretty much til she passed...and I won't ever forget that last squeeze of my hand she gave me just before she took her last breath, as if she was telling me she loved me and to be strong...lots of things have happened since she's been gone and at first I just always wanted to rush home and be like mom guess what this this and this happened today...and then when I realized I couldnt' do that, that was hard...sounds crazy but I still talk to her..when you lose someone who is just so monumental in your life I don't think all that hurt and pain completely goes away, I think we learn how to deal and cope... still to this day, on bad days when I am out and see children with their mother, or even hear a child call to their mom I get weepy...I do feel alone, alot of the time since mom was the closest person to me, her and I went through alot together and I always stood right by her as any daughter would do. I dont' regret much, but I do regret the times I could've spent with her and chose to do other things but when your young thats just how you are...and of course there are times when you disagree...her and I were so much alike we disagreed ALOT...I don't know I guess I am just writing all this time you because I want you to know that someone else out here feels the way you do and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here, and though I may not fully understand everything you feel I understand most of it...I hope you take good
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