Sleeping when mom passed
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| Sun, 09-09-2007 - 6:43pm |
Hi everyone! I have been lurking here for a while...it has been comforting to see I am not alone in my grieving.
My mom passed away July 5th, 2 months and 22 days from when we found out she had terminal cancer. She passed away at her home. My sister and I were there with her. That night is something I have not shared with anyone... it is so hard.
At 7:30am her live in care giver checked on her and she was still breathing. (She had basically become unresponsive in the night). We moved her hospital bed next to the bed earlier in the week, so I was sleeping next to her. At 8am her caregiver woke us to tell us she was gone. I woke up to "I am sorry...". I was right next to her and did not even know she left. I feel so guilty and sad... we had been up with her most of the night and my sister and I were so exhausted. But I just feel like a moron because I did not know and I was right there. She died and I did not even know it. I feel like I let her down - I feel selfish. I feel so bad.
I feel bad about a lot of things... I know guilt is part of grieving. I lost my dad when I was 9 back in 1978 - that was a sudden heart attack while he was at work - he was gone instantly. It was so devastating when I lost him - but now I wonder if it is a blessing he went so quickly compared to what my mom went through.
I just really miss her. I catch myself thinking sometimes... it will all be better when I get back to being myself again. But I will never be the old me - my mom is gone now. And although I would not do it differently - I was there for her as much as I could be and was there for her in that last day and night - I won't ever be the same. I guess just time is what it is going to take to find my new "normal". I am going to call the local hospice (not the one she was in - she lived about 45 minutes from me) to see what kind of support and help I can get - because I really think I need it. I am very afraid of falling into something I will not be able to get out of.
Thanks for listening.
Sheri

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Pink -
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
For me, it was so difficult to realize that I am the oldest member of my generation!
Hey Sheri its so nice to hear back from you! As far as siblings go I have 1 brother but not to mention sounds alot like yours in fact....got married didn't want to have anything to do with me or
Hi, (((((Lori))))).
Thank you so much! I appreciate the invitation...seems around this time of year fall and into the winter months I get really sad, not to mention today would have been my dads 57th birthday...I left him a little note on my Yahoo 360...and I guess that helps some...its difficult though, I was only 10 when he passed but as I am getting older I remember things about him and most importantly I just remember him..as a person, who he was..so I just wanted to talk about that for a few minutes. I can just imagine him and my mom up in heaven just taking care of one another...she grieved sooo much when he passed, so I think them being together now I guess is for the best..God never gives us anymore than we can handle, at least that is what I have always heard and I would like to believe it...So anyways, thats about it for me for now...hope you all have a blessed day! Take care!
What is Yahoo 360?
Yahoo 360 is just a service I get from my Yahoo Messenger anyone that has it can sign on.. its pretty much just like a blog sort've like Myspace but not quite..
Thank you for making me realize I'm not the only one who feels this. I lost my mom 11 months ago. She had been fighting lung cancer--and winning (she was a lifelong non smoker how's that for irony?) for just over 2 years. We'd never given up on the treatments she was doing even when she finally needed hospice. I don't know if that was denial or because she believed in what she was doing so much.
At any rate, over the few days before we lost her she became less and less responsive. But no one told us how imminent it was. I went to my parents house and told my dad he had to start the oxygen--it had been delivered but not used. It was a Sunday and I also made him call the hospice nurse. I talked to her, told her I love her (and oh how I do--my entire life my mom was my best friend) We did everything together--and we moved a lot when I was growing up--she was the one constant. I also developed a rare disease as a result of an accident when I was 18 and for years she was the only one with me as I battled it. I'm an only child and I feel like a piece of me is missing. I pick up the phone several times a week to call her only to realize I can't. We used to talk several times a day.
Anyway, going back to that day I realized how bad her breathing sounded, and that when I touched her and told her how I love her--she didn't look at me---her eyes were open--they haunt me in fact--but she might as well have been looking straight through me, My dad and I went in the other room for a minute...and while I cried and cried---and called my husband to tell him I didn't think she had long--suddenly we didn't hear her breathing anymore. I feel guilty to this day that I wasn't there by her side like she would have been for me. And my heart is still broken--at least if I allow myself to think of her. Mostly I can't do that. I think of her and this gaping hole opens up inside me.
We had 34 wonderful years together--and it wasn't enough. I don't have other family--just my dad and my husband and my dad and I aren't close. My mom--was my world and a day doesn't go by that I don't feel that huge void. And, as added irony: She died the same day, 14 years later, as her father, my grandfather who was my next favorite relative. I do SO hate 10/15. And it makes all our birthdays tough--dad, hubby and I are all October b'days.
Usually I 'm more articulate than this--but I read what all you wrote and I felt I had to share my story. And that hollow spot in me.
Blonde
((((Hugs))), sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and dad. Like everyone said you can't choose when your loved ones passed away. I was pretty lucky to be in the ambulance when my son died in December 2004. He was fighting to stay alive and he only stopped when I said it ok Cameron, mommy be ok and so will be daddy. When I look back I was in such a mess that I was admitted to pysch ward and I wouldn't want you to go through a complicated grief like I was and sadly still am. This board great and the ladies here are wonderful support.
Love Rochelle (used to be chubbywife79)
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