Sleeping when mom passed
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| Sun, 09-09-2007 - 6:43pm |
Hi everyone! I have been lurking here for a while...it has been comforting to see I am not alone in my grieving.
My mom passed away July 5th, 2 months and 22 days from when we found out she had terminal cancer. She passed away at her home. My sister and I were there with her. That night is something I have not shared with anyone... it is so hard.
At 7:30am her live in care giver checked on her and she was still breathing. (She had basically become unresponsive in the night). We moved her hospital bed next to the bed earlier in the week, so I was sleeping next to her. At 8am her caregiver woke us to tell us she was gone. I woke up to "I am sorry...". I was right next to her and did not even know she left. I feel so guilty and sad... we had been up with her most of the night and my sister and I were so exhausted. But I just feel like a moron because I did not know and I was right there. She died and I did not even know it. I feel like I let her down - I feel selfish. I feel so bad.
I feel bad about a lot of things... I know guilt is part of grieving. I lost my dad when I was 9 back in 1978 - that was a sudden heart attack while he was at work - he was gone instantly. It was so devastating when I lost him - but now I wonder if it is a blessing he went so quickly compared to what my mom went through.
I just really miss her. I catch myself thinking sometimes... it will all be better when I get back to being myself again. But I will never be the old me - my mom is gone now. And although I would not do it differently - I was there for her as much as I could be and was there for her in that last day and night - I won't ever be the same. I guess just time is what it is going to take to find my new "normal". I am going to call the local hospice (not the one she was in - she lived about 45 minutes from me) to see what kind of support and help I can get - because I really think I need it. I am very afraid of falling into something I will not be able to get out of.
Thanks for listening.
Sheri

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Welcome, Blonde.
Blonde-
I am so sorry for your loss.
Lori-
That thought gets me through sometimes as well.. the thought of my mom and dad together.
I remember a couple of weeks after she passed, I looked at a photo of them when they were dating back in the late 40's... and it dawned on me that I never knew them much as a "couple".
Oh dear I TOTALLY know what you mean! I think the whole thing with me is my whole family it feels is there in Heaven and I am just kinda here left alone.. I get sad about that thought alot of the time, but then I got to think I was left here for a reason..and I know that I don't have to worry so much about them anymore as I did when they were alive..but yet I still do miss them terribly, I know my dad is taking care of my mom and like wise with my grandparents..anyway, whatever thoughts or memories that get you through the day thats what matters...right now I am on the search for a job since I have only had 1 REAL job in my whole life this is becoming a new and somewhat frustrating experience, but Hey I asked God to show me what real life was about and I think this is it.. just having to make it day to day..I do just thank God everyday for the ones in my life that I have and love..and thank him for makin new friends such as you and all the others here on the board! You take care, your in my thoughts!
XOXO
Lori
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