I miss my mom so much STILL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
I miss my mom so much STILL
58
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 6:51pm

Hi Everyone,


My name is Donna, I'm 49, and my mom passed away 20mos. ago, from bladder cancer. Her death was very horrible, painful, and long. Although the pain of her passing is not as intense as was at the time of her passing. I find on certain days that I really am having a hard time getting over it/adjusting to it. I still pick up the phone to call her, and feel that pit in my stomach, b/c I know she's not there. I'm married, for 18yrs. now, have 3 children, and 2grandchildren, and 3 sisters. My father passed away 6yrs. ago, and w/o going into detail, let's just say he wasn't a very nice man, so his death was easier to deal with. But my mom, I miss her still so very much. Even though I have many loved ones, I am lonely w/o my mom. I know b/c of all the stuff she went through, that she is better off in heaven and not suffering anymore. But the child in me wants her back, if that makes any since. BTW, so does the adult. I miss seeing her and talking to her. With the holidays it is even worse. I have her chimes on my patio, and I always say hi mom, when the chimes ring, silly huh. I know the chimes aren't my mom, but whatever. I finally 2mos. ago. Put pictures of her up and around the house. Couldn't look at her picture before that. Still have a hard time with it. I still have her ashes and don't quite know what to do with them, as since she was very afraid of dying, she never told me what she wanted done with them. So I have them on the hutch with some of her other things. Anyway just wanted to say some stuff. I have 2 children, including my grandchildren who live about 500 miles away, but my ds who is 13 lives here at home, and he still will miss his "Mema" sometimes. That's what all the grandchildren called my mom: Mema. Anyway does anyone know if what I feel all this time later is appropriate? She was only 74, such a young age for her. I always thought she would be around. Silly silly me. Okay thanks. 

Donna

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 7:07pm

I am so sorry about your mom!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 8:31pm

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))


AND welcome to the board!


Some of what you feel will never go away, but your ability to COPE with the feeling will get better. I would suggest that you might want to look into grief counseling. Not regular counseling, grief or bereavement counseling. A great resource for that is Hospice, or, oddly enough, some funeral home directors know of grief counselors.


I am sure others will be by soon!

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Beth, wifemomteacher


Proud to co cl the following boards


12 Step Recovery


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 9:17pm

Beth,


Thank you for the welcome. It does seem odd to be here on this board. I would have thought that I wouldn't need it. I am finding out that when one loses someone they love dearly that yes, they do need to reach out to others. I thank you for your suggestions, don't know if I'm quite ready to do that yet. Maybe after Christmas. You have beautiful children, as do I. We have a little Shih Tzu named Jake who just turned 1. He is a great comfort to me when dh is at work, and ds is at school. Actually he is a comfort all the time. Take care, and thanks for the welcome.

Donna

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 9:29pm

Hi,


Thank you for you welcome, and my prayers are with you. As much as it hurts me to have lost my mom, I really don't know how I would survive w/o my husband. You sound like a really brave woman. I didn't even know if I would have the nerve to come to this board, because of it bringing up so many painful memories. But I am glad that I did. Sometimes I just pick up moms picture and have a talk with her, and a good cry. That seems to help me. As far as her ashes, we use to live in Fl. and I would think that she would like to have them spread in the Alantic Ocean, unforntunetly I can't afford to go there. We live in So. Ca. now, and my oldest, and youngest sister and I were talking about a month ago, that maybe we would take the ferry out to an a place called Catalina Island, and spread them there. I think she would like that. Don't know. I guess I will know when the time is right for me to know. I don't think I am ready for counseling quite yet, makes me sad. Maybe after Christmas. Thanks again.

Donna

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:54am

I think we are all brave Donna to have survived a death!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:08am

I don't know your name, or the many names of people who have lost someone so dearly loved by them, but what I do know is that we all have something in common, we grieve, we laugh, we pray, we survive each day. All for different reasons. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that my mom was my past, present, and future. What a wise woman you are. When my mom died, I felt as though I had no one left who really knew me. I mean my mom was just always there. If we wanted to hear a story about the past, boom we would just as mom, and away she would go. She was born in Germany, and would tell us about her and my aunts during world war 2. She was only 12-14 when it was going on, but the stories she told, would just grab our attention. And you know how you talk to your children about when they were born, or some off the antic they did when they were younger, or when you would bring home a boyfriend, and your mom would telling one of her amusing/embaressing stories about you, and you thought you would just die, or could melt into the rug, and she would just be bragging about her daughter. I have done the same with my daughter she's 28 now, your so right of what you say. I never looked at it that way. Thank you for what you shared about your husbands ashes, it's nice to know that I am not alone in not knowing what to do with them yet. So for now she will just hang out with us. Also thanks for telling me that you talk to your husband as well, that is also comforting to know that I am not the only one who does that. If you don't mind my asking how old are your children? Do you have parents or loved ones you can lean on? How did you get the strengh to cl a board like this, doesn't it make you more sad to hear some of these stories? The most personnal of them all and please if I am offending you please please forgive me, but what of your husband, what was he like, how did you meet, do you talk to your children about him? My children and I talk about their (Mema), but 2 out of 3 of my sisters won't talk about mom because it makes them sad to do so, so of course I must honor that. I do miss her, and I releaze I will miss her always, and that okay. She was a beautiful woman to me, she was my mom, and my best friend. We loved to go out and just do mom and daughter stuff. It's hard to accept that part of your life no longer exits because she was taken from me. I read a book after my mom died, I forget the title, maybe it was called One more Day, just not sure, but anyway it was about a man who if he had one more day with his mom how would he spend it. Amazing story. The second oldest sister who is the only one that will talk about mom read that story, and let me read it. Of course it was fantasy, but it did make me think. I tell mom sometimes about Seanny our 13yr old ds. She and Seann were so close, and he has such good memories of her, and I know she would be so proud of him, okay that just made me cry, but I always say that she is worth my tears. Wow had to stop and take of my glasses for that cry. Darn I do so miss my mom. God bless you, and thank you for listening to stories about my mom. Have a great day. Your right also we are all brave to survive. I will think about the journaling, again, talking/writing about her makes me cry.

Donna

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:52am

We really are survivors and changed because of this experience.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 8:52pm
Kim, I apologize for not answering earlier. Jeez Kim, I know you say other people have had it harder than you, and that makes you a very special woman. You and have a lot of children, and I'm sure they are a blessing to you. I am sorry they lost their dad, and you your husband. I can't imagine your family not being supportive of you and your children when you lost your husband. That is a sad thing. To find true friends is a wonderful blessing, and the fact that this board was here for you, I am truly happy for you for that blessing as well. Your husband sounds like he was a most wonderful man. A special man for a special woman. I'm glad, as I am sure you are, that he won your heart over. To bring hot choclate, and flowers, that sounds like a keeper to me. What a wonderful life the two of you must have shared. He reminds me of my husband as far as

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:14pm

Donna, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I lost my dear mom on Sept. 20, 2005 and some days my heart aches so bad for her I can't stand it. The holidays are partcularly difficult. Sometimes I look up to the heavens and I ask her why she left me....but then I realize that's selfish. She suffered

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 6:35am

Hi Donna,


Looking at the other side is one of the things that got me through the worst of my grief. I also had a list of gratitudes in my head that got me out of bed each day and still use it sometimes.

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