I Lost My Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
I Lost My Mom
17
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 1:21am

My mom had become critically ill in September 2007 with COPD and congestive heart failure.  She had many hospitalizations and I cared for her full time at home, with a nurse checking in twice a week. While mom was sick, I had no family support while caring for her and did everything regarding her care all alone (I also have a 7 year old son).  Mom became extremely critical and was admitted to the ICU last Friday.  She had to be kept under sedation and was placed on a ventilator.  Even though her pulmanologist was optimistic, I felt the end was very close for and began spending as much time as possible with her. Last weekend, my mom's family became very critical of the decisions I've made on mom's behalf and criticized me during virtually every phone call I made to them updating them on mom's condition. My brother refused to come in from out of state to say goodbye to my mom because she wasn't leaving him any money (she had none to leave).  Mom's family criticized me for this too, even though my brother's actions were not in my control. Mom died on January 15, 2008. Mom had a large circle of friends and they, along with my best friend, were extremely supportive and loving, helping me in ways my mom's family wouldn't. I had no money for flowers and my best friend sent flowers from me and my son, as well as flowers from her and her boyfriend.  My mom's friend, as well as my best friend, held my hand and supported me while I was making funeral arrangements and taking care of all the little things that need tending to when someone passes away. They cried with me and shared memories of happier times before mom got so sick.  My best friend cared for my son while I called friends and family to let them know mom had died.


Right now, I am so angry with mom's family and how selfishly they are acting. I'm angry for them making me doubt the decisions I made for my mom and the hints that I didn't take care of my mom well enough--my mother's sister even said "I can't believe you've allowed your mother to die this way...".  I know she has her own grief she has to deal with, but at a time when I needed comfort this hurt me all the way to my soul. Then she blamed me for my brother's actions.


I need to get over this anger and pain that my mom's family has caused me so I can grieve for my mom and so I can help my son grieve for his grandmom. My dad's family, my mom's brother and his children, and mom's and my friends have been so wonderfully supportive, but the people who were really important in my mom's life had made me feel so guilty and so angry.  My mom has always been my number one supporter and cheerleader in my life and now she's gone and I feel so alone.  How can I get over this anger and let the real healing begin? I am doubting all the decisions I made now and am questioning if I could have cared for my mom better.  I know it's still early days, but I'm finding it harder and harder to cope.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 1:56am

I am so sorry about your mom's death!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Mon, 01-21-2008 - 9:24am
I went through grief counseling when my dad and when my fiance died within a year's time and it helped so much.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 6:40am

Jenny,


I am so sorry about your Mom's passing.


Do not let the criticism get to you. They maybe suffering tier own guilt for not doing more and say negative things as a result. Even is they are just being nasty what is important is what you feel.


The flowers and the funeral are things for the survivors not the dead. Let me tell you no one has money for them.


Mom died a year ago this March at 63, CHF and Right heart failure Stroke. I was blessed with siblings and a Father that understood the basic need is to remember her love and our love to each other.


I had been let out of my work contract because I had left to go home when mom was first in the hospital. A blessing because I was able to spend almost the last 3 weeks of her life with her when everyone else had to work and take care of the nephews.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 3:02pm

(((((Jennie, sweetheart,)))))


I am so sorry for your loss. Mom was very fortuante to hve such a loving, compasionate, caring, daughter and caregiver.Do not waste your good energy on being angry with all these people who have not been supportive of your mom and of you. All these negative comments that are being thrown at you, is most probably the quilt that they feel at this moment for not being there for her or for you. Do not allow

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 6:52pm
Good, think the counseling will help again!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 8:14pm
Thank you for your kinds words and understanding Holly and I'm sorry to hear about your mom's passing. There are days that I really just don't want to deal with people and stay in bed and then there are days where I really want the comfort of a loving family around me. My best friend and mom's friend have been absolute blessings to me. I am working hard to let go of the anger at my mom's family, but it's difficult. There have been tensions there for years because they didn't really like my father and I am so much like him. The best thing for me to do right now is just stay away from them and work on healing myself. If they want to come around, that's fine, but I can't worry about what they are feeling anymore. I don't think I've grieved like I should yet because my son gets so upset when he sees me cry and I think I'm trying to hold it in--which isn't a good thing. It's only been two weeks and I'm sure the time will come soon when I can get it all out of my system. The loneliness is the hardest thing right now.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 8:25pm
Thank you so much Miriam for your comforting words. I am working on letting go of the anger and, for the time being, distancing myself from my mom's family until I have some time to heal. Anger is such a horrible thing for me because I take it out on everyone around me and have made a promise to myself and to my mom not to be angry around my son, because he is hurting too. The guilt is a hard thing for me to deal with because I have the tendency to think, rethink, and rethink again every decision I've made for my mom during her final days. Sometimes I feel so selfish because I still want her here, but she was suffering so badly that I should be grateful that she's at peace now and her pain is all gone. My grandmom had suffered for a long time and it was sort of a relief when she passed away because she was at peace and all of her suffering had ended. I thought I would feel the same way about my mom, but Davonte and I still want her here with us and are missing her more and more each day. I had to move the furniture around in her sick room (our den/playroom) because each time I would pass by there, I would catch myself saying something to her. Davonte and I pulled out the photo albums over the weekend and talked about mom, dad, grandmom, and my favorite aunt and uncle. My cousin on dad's side called and shared some great memories he had about both my mom and dad. That helped a lot.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 8:35pm
Thank you so much for being so supportive and kind to me. I've been trying to stay busy and have talked to my best friend about babysitting my son so I can attend a bereavement group held at the local hospital. The past several days have been really difficult for me. That's why I haven't answered the posts--but they meant so much to me and I am really appreciative for them. I cleaned out mom's sick room and moved the furniture around. I felt really guilty, like I was betraying my mom, for throwing out the things she used while she was ill (like medical supplies, tubing for her oxygen machines, etc.). I know that sounds kind of silly. I'm really dreading having to clean out her bedroom and donating her clothes to charity. I can't even bear going in her room right now, but I don't have to right now if I don't want to. Mom's friend said she would help me when I was ready. I'm job hunting now and trying to stay busy, but the nights are the hardest because we would watch TV together and have a snack before she fell asleep for the night. It's only been two weeks and I know it will get easier as time goes by.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 8:50pm

((((Jennie Sweetie,))))


My dad has passed away 28 years ago. He had cancer of the liver, and for 5 1/2 months he was in pain. My dad was at home and on lots of medication, and the last two days of his life, he was in the hospital. His lungs were filling up with water and he was totally aware of his surroundings and his wheres about. The 2nd day I was watching this poor man lying

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 9:28pm
My father died suddenly, so we had both shock and grief to deal with. We watched mom suffer slowly, going from one of the strongest women I knew to being so weak and so frail as the illness slowly took over her body. I know time will make things easier and we will always miss her. I just keep remembering the day Davonte (my son is adopted) was placed with me. She was the first to hold him and she absolutely adored him. I thought she would be there to help me raise him and get him through school. She had beat cancer after being told she had only 4 months to live (she lived over 22 years) and was the true definition of a survivor. When mom beat cancer, I had it in my head that she could beat anything and be here to see Davonte grow up. She was helping to me raise him and I hope, as a single mom, I can be as good of a mom to him as she had been to me.
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