Just can't cope! Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Just can't cope! Help!!
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 9:20pm
This might be a long one, its been a month and a half since I lost my beautiful best friend to cancer. Since she passed away it seems I have fallen absolutely apart. Chris was diagnosed 5 years ago with Malignant Melanoma. She had surgeries to have the lymph nodes removed and for all intents and purposes, was in remission. This year ( for unknown reasons at the time) I bugged her and bugged her until she agreed to pack up her kids and come and spend Christmas Eve with my family. 3 weeks after Christmas, I was hosting a get together with some other friends when I received a phone call from her, asking me if I was sitting down. She was having some pains and decided to go in to the hospital to have them diagnosed. Because of her medical history they decided to run some CT scans, at which point they found a mass on her adrenal gland and 3 tumors on her left lung. Begin depression. I of course rushed over there the next day and stayed with her, and then routinely spent everyday there cleaning, and making dinners for the kids. Like I wasn't dealing with enough between my household and hers, I found out after 2 weeks of being there everyday, that my 14 year old daughter had overdosed on cold medication, only to learn she had a severe drug addiction which required a detox process. During that week, I didn't see Chris at all. She assured me she understood, but said she felt very lonely and I assured her I would be back again. Slowly things at home calmed down, I signed my daughter into detox care and got back to Chris. Then one night she ended up back in the hospital with the "flu". She never came home again. I got the call I never wanted to get on Saturday April 17th at 10 am that it was time to get back to the hospital, I was by her side until April 18th @ 11 am when she passed away. She passed away in my arms and Selfishly I yelled at her to start breathing again, to this day I still have to be convinced that I DID NOT just drop her, that I moved aside to let the nurses in, I ran out of the room crying and puked everywhere. When they assured me she was breathing again, I left the floor to go outside and get some air...when I came back she was gone. Im having such a hard time now, I helped her son plan the funeral, and he asked me if we could have a wake for close friends here and I of course said yes, I wanted it to be small and personal, and some people who didn't get an invite were very offended. I have become the enemy. I feel like somehow I am hogging the grief of Chris's death, I dont want to be around anyone, and Im sick of people telling me Im taking it harder than anyone. ( even though I know I am) I have people telling me I didn't really know who she was, and she was my best friend for 14-15 years. I've known her for 20. I take everything so personally, that the group I created for her I just signed my name off and let everyone else have it, because for some reason I feel unworthy. I am in this place where I dont want friends anymore, I just want to be alone. I have always been the strong one in our group, and now it seems I cant hold it together to save my life. I would rather people dont see me this way, so I hide in my room. I cant talk to people, because the minute I start, my throat swells and all I can do is cry. HELP! Is this normal, am I going crazy, isn't a month and a half of crying a bit extreme. What do I do...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 9:21am

(((hug)))) I'm sorry for the loss of your dear friend.

Grief, it's a strange thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-1999
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:21am

{{{{Hugs}}}} I am so sorry for the loss of your best friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 4:00pm

I am so very sorry for your loss. Friends, especially our close ones, are as close to us as our family and, very naturally, you will mourn her loss deeply.

Like Amy said, grief does strange things to us. As to what your friends say, that you didn't really know her, I will say this. You had a special relationship with her, another friend will have a different relationship. We mourn the loss of our particular relationship. Ours, not theirs, so please know in your heart, that you did know her, you knew the side of her that was your friend.

You have had so much on your plate with worrying about your DD and your friend. Please go easy on yourself, treat yourself with gentleness.

And come talk with us. We can't change what has happened but we are here for you to talk whenever you want to talk.

In Gentleness,