Many losses and now have a dilemma
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 07-13-2010 - 9:00pm|
I am sorry if this turns out to be long but I have to explain a bit of background so that you know why I am going through what I'm going through now.
I have had several miscarriages and one baby who died at birth, but fortunately I have three surviving children. I have also been divorced twice and lost my father several years ago. He had not seemed ill but had a fatal heart attack. Some joy came back into my life a few months after that with the birth of my first grandchild.
Then a couple of years later I met a man online and we became very close. I arranged to visit him and ended up dividing my time between his country and mine over the next few years. I grew very close to his mother but she died two years ago following a long illness.
Eventually my partner and I decided to settle in a third country, where I am able to work but he doesn't have a visa that will allow him to do so, which means I am supporting both of us. I had hoped that I would earn enough to make a comfortable life for us and enable me to go back home regularly to visit my family. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out that way, but I have managed to scrape together enough funds, with my mother's help, to go home to see my loved ones for the first time in over two years.
Now here's the dilemma. I miss my mother, my children and my grandchildren so much that I am seriously thinking of not coming back here. I know that's stupid because this is where my job is but my mother is very elderly and not well and I'm afraid that this will be my last chance to spend some time with her. I want to stay and look after her for however much time she has left.
The trouble with that is if I leave my partner I will be abandoning him because he can't work here. I fear that he will end up homeless and I also know that I will always have regrets. Just thinking about leaving him brings tears to my eyes. Yet I miss my family so much that thinking about leaving them to come back here also makes me cry. Unfortunately my partner is not able to travel to my home country for reasons which I don't want to disclose, so I'm stuck with this dilemma of do I stay in my country when I go back to visit, or do I return here?
I keep telling myself I'll make the decision once I get back there, but the reality is there are things I have with me here that I would not want to leave behind (mainly photos and some irreplaceable nick-nacks) so if I'm undecided about what to do I'll have to try to cram them into my suitcase and without my partner knowing about it. I would leave him a note explaining everything, plus my ATM card and the pin number so that he can have whatever money is in my account. I have even wondered if I could earn enough money back home to support myself there and him over here but it's highly doubtful.
The worry over this decision and the grief that I already feel (because either way I lose at least one more person I love) is ruining my life. I can't take pleasure in anything because I'm so worried. My partner notices this, of course, and the other day he even asked me point-blank if I was thinking of "running out" on him (his words). Of course I said no. How could I say anything different?
I know it's a horrible thing to do but sometimes I hope that he dies before I leave here. Then I would grieve for him forever but I wouldn't have a horrible decision to make and wouldn't need to hurt anybody. I have even thought of killing myself because I can't see a way out of this mess, but I don't want to cause more pain and suffering to the people I love.
I need some ideas or someone to talk sense to me. It's awful dealing with this alone. I need the decision to be taken out of my hands but I know that's not likely to happen. Yet if anyone can offer any advice, please do. I desperately need it.
"Crap... someone knocked over my recycle bin... there's icons all over my desktop."