Tragedy depression and loveless marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Tragedy depression and loveless marriage
8
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 1:37pm

My spouse has been severely depressed for the last two years over the unexpected and tragic loss of our only child. Our child was 21 when she died in a car accident. My wife has been involuntarily hospitalized twice due to bizarre behavior, and to this day refuses medication or any kind of counseling, grief support, family support, etc. I took care of her for the first year and a half – cooking for her, making her eat, bathing her, washing her hair, cleaning the house, dressing her, and doing everything possible to keep her going.

Here is my dilemma. My spouse and I have not had a happy marriage for many, many years. She left me on more than one occasion and asked for a divorce. In fact, she had left yet again and was not living at home when our child was killed. Of course she came back when this terrible tragedy happened, and has been suffering from this extreme depression ever since. I had to move out of the house because her depression kept me from the grieving and healing I needed to do to move forward with life and have the strength to take care of her. I attended counseling sessions, grief support groups, and anything that would help me through this terrible event, but could never get her to do anything to help herself.

She is now staying with a family member (the one she stayed with when she left me), and is not improving. She does not want to go out of the house, continues to sleep on the couch, very seldom bathes, has alienated most of her friends and family due to her extreme anger and stubbornness, and on it goes.

Other than the love we shared for our child, there is not (and has not been for many many years) any love left between my spouse and me. My question is: is it the only choice I have to take care of my wife and remain in a loveless marriage that was headed for divorce even before our child was killed? Is it selfish of me to want a happy and fulfilled life? This is such a moral and ethical dilemma because I take my wedding vows very seriously. I do not want to be selfish, and would always take responsibility for ensuring my wife’s support financially, however, I do want to be happy, and I want her to be happy. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 6:12pm

Hi,


welcome to the board.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 5:14am

I am sorry on losing your daughter.


I say move on with your life and if that includes divorcing your wife, then so be it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 9:11am

I too, am sorry for the loss of your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:25pm

Thank you Amy, you are a star. I got sidetracked by a Migraine. Thankfully it was only brief.

Promise







siggy by hubbswifey...Katie


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:36pm
You're welcome, Promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:36pm
Thank you for your kind words - I do a lot of praying and hope time will bring some answers and closure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:37pm
Thank you for your best wishes. I will post this on the relationships page as well and hope to gain some insight into my feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 2:46pm

Hi,
I am sure that you will make the right choice for you both. I am sure that with prayer you will be guided. It must be such a hard call to make and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Promise







siggy by hubbswifey...Katie