Thank You (M)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thank You (M)
4
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 8:32pm
i wanted to thank the ladies who responded to my post "i am the walking dead." i really appreciate the prayers, as i really need them. i have been do down i have been thinking about "dying." not suicide. but just dying. i have also been sleeping a lot this weekend and i know i am super depressed. i think it is my thyroid. every time i think about dying or how i could die, i get a picture of my little boy in his crib just crying and crying. this is the only thing keeping me going right now. i am so scared that i feel this bad. i haven't felt this bad for yrs. like prob. 15 or so. and i am a little freaked out. it amazes me to think that my thyroid can make me feel this bad. i feel as tho i have some sort of terminal illness or something. i could just swear they are going to find cancer or something horrible. i guess just something to justify my feelings of being near dead. i swear, this is unreal right now. i am off from work next week, which i don;t know if it will be good or bad for me, with all this depression. i am also so irritable and short fused. i just wish there was something that could be done in the interim...while i wait for my nxt dr.'s appt.

Erika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2001
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 9:28pm
Erika - Do you have someone that can stay with you while you're off next week? Someone that can help with the baby and just keep you company? I know everything seems so dark right now but try to keep in mind that it's NOT real!!! It's not real. These feelings are manufactured by a lack of thyroid hormone. You now how bad you feel when you're getting your period and the whole world looks so evil? Then you get it, and suddenly, everything seems a little better? Then it's over and life looks good? What's changed? Nothing but your hormones!!! It's horrible that we can be so ruled by them but this is the case when you have such an imbalance. Can you try to think of some good things that you can do for yourself, or with your baby next week, to keep your mind off things and maybe lift your spirits? There's nothing that your worrying can cure and it certainly won't help you at all!! So perhaps you can make some plans to distract yourself. I know you feel awful and I'm sure you don't feel like planning anything but it might really help you!! Big hugs, Cathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2001
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 8:48am
Erika - I was thinking about my reply last night and was afraid you might misinterpret what I meant here!! I don't mean the feelings aren't real - I know that they are. I mean that what you are basing them on isn't real. There is no basis in reality to feel so low -unless you have some truly bad circumstances in your life. But I know when I was at my lowest point, I criticized everyone around me and felt that everyone was letting me down. I felt that everyone was "against" me and that no one cared for me. I was hypersensitive to my family and everything was a cause for depression. Or anger. Well, once I started levelling off, everything and everyone looked different. Did they change?? No - LOL!! It was all me!! That's why I'm comparing it to those PMS feelings that are also not based in reality. I just wanted to clarify what I meant. I didn't want you to think I was being insensitive to your feelings!! Hugs, Cathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 10:39am
thanks Cathy! actually, i am sending Andrew to day care this week, even tho i am off. i need the time to rest and i am feeling so bad, i am not any good to him all day. yesterday, i kept myself very busy and had a productive day.

i am also in the middle of trying to figure out a medical issue with my son. so here i am trying to figure out what is wrong with me... and then talking to dr.'s every day trying to figure out what is wrong with him. it is a bit overwhelming. we have gone from the dx of brochioloitis, allergies/asthma and now bronchial spasms... cuz i am insisting it is not asthma cuz he is not in any distress. they are calling him a happy wheezer- but he is having a lot of side effects from the meds they have him on... so anyway, i spent a lot of time on the phone with his dr. and at the dr.'s office and we have reduced some of the meds to see what will happen.

i have recently turned down a promotion at work due to this health issue. i am just not up for it. but where i work, they are very understanding and i think the opp. will come again.

i don't mean to sound so negative all the time- it is just the truth on my feelings. i am glad that here people understand. these are the only people that understand. no one else "gets it" so to speak. i guess people don't realize how bad a "thyroid" condition can be, until you have it! i am so glad to have the support here of people who get it- and know how devastating all this can be.

thanks again,

Erika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 10:43am
Oh Cathy-

no need to worry. i completely understand! everything in our bodies are chemicals. chemicals regulate everything! from hormones to feelings. trust me i understand. this is part of the reason i asked for this week off-- my mood sucks and i know i am affecting the people around me with it! i feel sorry for my co-worker! i even told my supervisor this! it is just that i cannot control my mood right now, cuz my chemicals are so off. i know my feelings are based on my chemicals and not my life. my life is good, i just feel so bad- and i hate it. you did not sound insensitive at all. i with ya, i with ya!

Erika