Very unhealthy friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Very unhealthy friend
10
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 1:03pm
I have no idea what to do about my best friend. I love her to death, unconditionally, and she has always been a rock for me when I've needed her. The problem is that she embodies the phrase, "She hasn't got issues. She has the whole subscription."

She's 29, has a good job but still lives with her parents, has a bedroom that's as pink and frilly as a 13 year old girl's, and who's life revolves around her dogs and television. She can't get over the breakup with her high school sweetheart boyfriend from 10 years ago. He broke up with her without warning and became a Catholic Priest, so naturally she thinks she's caught in some fantasy romantic drama not unlike the Thornbirds. Once in a great while she wants to go out and do something - only if she doesn't have a headache, her period, someone is watching the dogs, OR if there isn't a thunderstorm because one of the dogs is petrified of storms. And she can't understand why she can't find a boyfriend...Whenever we go out, men usually approach me and ignore her, which frustrates her. The reality is you can see her baggage from a mile away which is anything but attractive.

Now, I'm moving away. She's very close to her brother (Too close in my opinion. He's a controlling jerk who likes the fact that she's so dependent on ther people.) and he just announced that he may take a job on the west coast. She was depressed before. Now she's a mess. I feel guilty every time I talk to her about moving because she gets upset, even though she tries to hide it. She even backed out on making the drive to Florida with me when I finally move. She said she couldn't leave the dogs for more than a day. I so badly want to tell her she's wasting her life living this way because I desperately want to see her happy. Her parents are like family to me, but they like having her "home". I don't want her to feel attacked, but I feel like I have to do something. How should I approach this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 1:21pm
Oh, wow, Sliver, that is a dilemma. I'll have to think about that for a bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The problem is that she embodies the phrase, "She hasn't got issues. She has the whole subscription."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I sure do like that phrase above...I've NEVER heard it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On first emotions, I would have to say that she is going to have to make the

necessary changes HERSELF...I'm not sure you can do anything for her....EXCEPT

perhaps mention, in a kind way, that a little counseling might be a

good thing for her right now.

You are fixing to start a brand new life....so should she. I think, since you

are moving away from her, you could just approach her with the fact that you

want her to be happy so badly, and would like for her to hear you out on a few

*issues* before you go.

My two cents, for what its worth:) * stel *

* Stel *

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 1:27pm
Could not have said it better myself Stel.

SHE has to want to change.. . . and who knows, sometimes it's only when there is nothing else that folks see themselves in a different light.

~~tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 1:47pm
Very true. If she's alone, there is a good chance that she won't have anyone to live vicariously through and will be forced to make some changes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 3:45pm
Gosh girl--Run while you can!!Just kidding,you cant be responsible for a 29 year old WOMAN! You have a life-she needs to find hers. Maybe she will when forced to w/ all her co-dependents gone!!It is sad,and you are sweet to care so much,but she has to make her own way..no-one can do that for her...xoxoxo mel

"Mel on Wheels"    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 4:20pm
Hi sliverpink,

It's so hard when we have friends who make choices we think/know are bad. I see everyone's given you their 2 cents so I'll just say that hard as it is, so often change has to come from within.

Good luck on your move to Fl. :)

~Golly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 6:46pm
Hey sliverpink,

Everyone else has basically already said what needed to be said

I guess you'll go on with your life ..

Try to stay in touch with your friend after you move.

She has to *want* to do what she needs to do for herself ..

Otherwise it will never happen.

Sorry I wasn't much help ..

Good luck though and let us know how she does ..

~Hugs~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2002
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 6:52pm
We all make our own decisions in life and I think at 29 your friend has made hers regardless of what everyone may think. Maybe if she was 19 it would be different. I figure you just have to go on with your life and be her friend from a distance, hoping things change for her in the future. Hilary
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:52am
Thank you all for your thoughts. Maybe I'll surprise her with a plane ticket a Christmas! Then she'll nearly be forced into kicking up her heels and may see what she's missing in life. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2002
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 2:04pm
Maybe I'll surprise her with a plane ticket a Christmas! Then she'll nearly be forced into kicking up her heels.

Hey, what a great friend you are, she may even like her freedom once she tries it. Hilary

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 5:13pm
Sorry I'm a little late....

>>If she's alone, there is a good chance that she won't have anyone to live vicariously through and will be forced to make some changes.<<<

**Very true indeed. I can tell that your heart is in the right place, but there's only so much YOU can do. The rest is up to her.

Much love girl,

~dj~