My turn to ask for help,and

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
My turn to ask for help,and
5
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:48am
please stay in roller coaster until it comes to a complete stop,lol............It's not funny but I have to laugh........Ahhhhh,why am I wasting my time????Or maybe I only feel as I am.Ok,with whom I am dating,lol....when our story last ended,lol....it was over....well we had some semi-hostile emailing going on.Hotmail was busy and she had sent me something that made me a little angry(that was sunday)so I called her up,we ended up going for a drink and somehow ended up making up.Actually that night at the club she had held my hand,which is something she never did.She was actually affectionate,and last night she was kind of the same.I know she has been hurt(but we all have),I know it may take her a while to warm up to me.But my questions are that it seems very rare that she calls me in the middle of the day,just because..........for no reason,it's like to me she isn't thinking of me..........,I email her regularly,she said tonight she was about to email me,I have no email from her.It just strikes me as odd,she knows I am a virgin,yet at night she hints well time for me to take a bath and go to bed,no invite for me to hang out,or sleep over .......It's almost a month old relationship here,......Maybe I expect to much but normally when I am with someone they can't get enough of me and vice versa.They never hint it's time to go,everyday when we are actually together in person it seems to be she warms up more and more,and sometimes I feel it on the phone.Maybe I am being pushy,I just know I feel things and also feel like there is a point where if I don't express these things to the lady I love I will explode.I try and try telling her these things and she only says she is being careful or that I am to serious or that she loves me ,not like she loves her son,she feels for me ,but not sure how deeply......I believe all this but I just keep thinking and telling my heart not to get comfortable here.I just am so unsure and when I get unsure I do push people away which Is exactly what I did and that was the reason things got hay-wire and we were apart for those few days.I really am starting to love her and she knows it,In fact last night she said I am not gonna call you tommorow to see if you call me and I know you will....That kind of did make me feel like this was all a game ,then I was sick and I called her because I had written her an email just saying of course I will call you,I love you,you know how I feel and all about how I am happy to reassure her that I am here for her and this is real to me......lol,anyway right now I do feel to serious,lol....I just am growing tired of this,I like things simple and I like going to work and not having a knot in my belly trying to firgure out if the person I love loves me back or if she is a wolf in lesbians clothing,.lol.......My ex kept my belly in knots to always going back to her hubby and that is not something I ever want to re-live again.You ladies take care and hope you have a great wednesday,Johanna
Avatar for lou302000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:15am
Jo, not really sure what to say. You're in a right pickle, huh? It's hard to comment on her behaviour here when we don't know what kind of hand life has dealt her and what kind of person she is generally. But I tell you what I did notice from what YOU said about yourself, kay?

It seems to me that you have certain expectations here, based on past relationships and the way YOU operate in relationships. You have a certain idea of how a relationship is 'supposed' to work based on your own experiences...just like we all do. The problem comes when we hook up with someone whose experiences are radically different and, therefore, their expectations too. Seems to me like you and your gf view things rather differently. It's human nature to expect others to work within the same parameters as ourselves, but of course it often doesn't work out that way. Maybe you need to disentangle yourself a little here? Take a step back and start thinking of how you expect her to behave based on what you know of her so far, rather than what you'd LIKE to expect. That at least might leave you feeling a little less disappointed when something doesn't happen the way you'd like it to, you know? You might also have to face the difficult task of figuring out whether this is something you're able to deal with long-term, Jo. What if this is the way she'll always be? What if she can never do all the little things you secretly hope she'll do? What if that's just not the way she is? Could you love her and feel secure enough to commit to a relationship with her knowing that your communication styles are fundamentally different?

I know that this is incredibly tough for you right now, Jo. You've been honest and trusting enough to lay your cards on the table and tell her how you feel. I think it's a little cruel of her to say that she won't call just to see if you come running - that seems to suggest that she likes you doing the running, but that when you get there she won't reciprocate the way you want her to. That's unfair IMHO. If she wants those signs that you can't go a day without her, then she needs to give you more of herself. If she feels unable to give you more, then she shouldn't be drawing out your feelings like that. You can't change WHO she is, Jo, just like she can't change who you are - but you both can change some of your behaviours if you choose to. I'd tell her that your feelings get hurt badly when she leads you and then pushes you away...that you'd rather she didn't do that unless she was prepared to give you more emotional input...that you're okay with the less emotionally charged alternative while she figures out how she feels and what she wants.

I think it's not a matter of you sitting on the roller coaster ride and waiting for it to stop, hon - if you're hurting, if you're feeling miserable, step on the brakes a little. If I were you, I'd ask her to be fair here - to only expect you to give what she's prepared to give, to not toy with your emotions. In the meantime, maybe you need to look at what you need in a relationship and ask yourself, honestly, whether you think she's able to be that person.

I truly hope things work themselves out here, Jo. It's an awful thing when your emotions are up and down like that all the time. You shouldn't have to live like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:26am
(((((((Johanna))))))) You are so sweet. I kinda picture you as a lil puppy dog, eager to please and dish out the love no matter what. Do you have a pattern of getting involved with married women? That can be dangerous in the love department.

Don't want you to take this the wrong way but have you considered some counseling? You have so much to offer but you sound so confused. I think having an objective party who has your best interests at heart could help you sort through some of this so that you don't keep getting your heart broken. Love ya kiddo!

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:21pm
I appreciate all you said,and wish i could print it so I could reply better,(my printers dead,lol).She has had a tramtic life and this I do know.She was married three times,and is not married that I know of.See that is one compliant really is that,I have doubt.I am not going to say I don't trust her.....I just am very unsure,one moment she is joking because some girl where she works has liked me for awhile,and she says how she is going to tell her to back off cause we are together.Then the next day she is getting a phone call and bolting upstairs with no word to me about it to talk on the phone for twenty minutes.She is living in a male friends apartment with whom I have have,she says she is only staying there for he is gone over-seas(air force)for 6 months and then when he returns she is buying a house.But I can't help but wonder if they are together???Nothing adds up and she just doesn't always seem crazy about me,yet a little bit she does...She seems very mysterious and likes that.I have never enjoyed having mystery,I like getting to know people and not beating around the bush.All I do know is if this is her always,(I am not even she who she is on a day to day basis)then NO I am not going to be around for a year much less forever.And for me being affectionate,I need someone just like me in that department,I have broken up with people before for the reason there was lack of showing love and that may be wrong but that is me(and I don't mean public affection or anything)I am talking about us one on one after a month or two months of being together.and at first whenever I asked her out she was game,I think now she has broken all our dates in the last few weeks.Maybe she is losing interest who knows......Thanks for the input though really,Jo
Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:35pm
hey hey,lol...pattern with married women????No,most certainly not,lol.....I was with one and learned enough from her for a lifetime.And I will not be with anyone married.I have a very good friend next to my work at the moment.....I love everything about her and she is married and admitting she is bi to me.I keep my distance because something like that will never ever happen again.I know I deserve more then that,and I deserve someone entirely,not sharing with anyone.I don't even like getting involved with someone newly single.I don't want to be a rebound thing.

The counseling thing I don't take offense,I have had counseling before and think everyone could use it,it never hurts even the healthiest person.......I do think I could use it but have always gone to the health department because it is alomst free,and I think someone besides the health department would be better for me.I can't afford a 100 bucks an hour right now though and I always say I will go and make up reasons to not go through with it.If I am dating someone and I volunteer to go,or we decide to go as a couple,I do go through with it and stick with it,I guess I need someone to hold me accountable.

I have no clue what will happen with this realtionship persay and I used to be that puppy you spoke of but past realtionships have turned me more into a still gentle but wiser boxer,lol.....I am gentle but then again I know when it's time to get away from a situation.I won't change my tone or my actions to my girl right now but I am gonna calm down some and not make as many movements,see what she does when that happens.

I do love everyone on this board and I am so glad my friend told me about this place.I value everyones opinion even when I don't agree with it.This is normally the last place I look after checking my emails and such because my girl never emails me,and I get nothing but junkmail ....coming here gives me a smile even when things are posted directly towards me,lol.....I am sad I know...........Have a great day and thanks ,Jo
Avatar for catalinaeyes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:34pm
Hi Jo... Haven't gotton time to read all your post yet but went through quickly your's ..Pam's.. Lou's and geez I think your's again. Any how I just wanted to remind you that you dont have to have a printer cause the original post you are posting to is just a bit down below where you are typing so you can take a peek if need be.. Ilike That! Better Than The Other way Ya think?.. ok I will get to read yours and the others tomorrow hopefully.. Cause they are long.. HeeHee.. Good to have chatted with ya..

(((((Hugs)))))"CAT"