Could use some advice please..Thks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Could use some advice please..Thks!
19
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:22pm
Hello everyone.

As usual, I'm like most-- I would love to have someone in my life. Since I've never dated a woman, and I'm not getting any younger, I feel an even greater urgency to meet someone.

I had a thought pop into my head today as I drove in the pouring rain. A song began playing on the radio. The song ( I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith) was popular back when I had my BIG crush on (I'll call her Ms.X), the Presbyterian pastor.

Back before Ms.X knew how I felt about her, she and I communicated often. She would often encourage me to go back to school and get a degree. Ms.X was a very refined and classy lady who was a business executive before deciding to pursue an education in the ministry. She often spoke of her Master's Degree in Business. I knew she probably looked down upon me for being uneducated and poor.

I took her advice. I have that habit of taking something on new from every crush I have. Ms.X, I started back to school. My crush on the PFLAG mom, I began running, because the PFLAG mom ran in marathons.

Okay, be patient, I'm getting to my advice question.

I received a letter two weeks ago from the college announcing that I was nominated as an "honor student" for the spring semester and would have my name listed on the "honor's list." This is something that part-time students rarely get because to be an "honor student," you must have full-time credit status. Due to me taking 4 classes, which happened to be 12 credit hours, qualified me.

I had this crazy thought that maybe I could write Ms.X a letter telling her about this and thank her for encouraging me to go back to school.

Now, before you give me advice, you must have brief background info.

After I announced my feelings to her, she would have nothing to do with me. She avoided me greatly. I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't accept my apology. The head pastor wouldn't let me talk to her even in his presence! Back in 2000, she moved 2 hours east of my residence to pastor a church. I've missed her very much.

Now, my gut always told me that she was gay. I don't know for sure that she is though. I'm thinking...write her a letter and see what kind of reaction I get.

What do you all think? I really could use some advice. I know it sounds silly, but I would just like to have my first kiss. A first girlfriend. You know? Okay, thanks!!!

~obi~ :)

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Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:53pm

awwwwww Obi,


I know what you mean my friend... Know that I have waited 25 years for my special weekend coming up.. I know part of that time I wasnt looking for a woman but I was always open to it..


But I have to say in this case hun,, I think this woman gay or not gave you a pretty strong indication that she wasnt interested and rather then spend your time possibly getting hurt again.. perhaps its best to just get out in the local gay community ( if you have one around) and just meeting people ... but keep in the mind most likely that special person will come along when you are not looking.. so be open to friendships of all kinds above all else..


here is wishing you the very best hun and I know it feels like an eternity but the right person is worth waiting for!!

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 11:00pm
Dear obi wan kenobi jedi, Gigi here,

From my personal experience, I have had crushes on women of the ministry before. I sometimes forget that, being Presbyterian myself, that lesbians or gay clergy are, kind of, looked down upon because of the stupid idea that because of their sexual orientation that they will be defrocked. Well, I know how you feel. I had a crush on this one particular minister, I couldn't wait to get to church. I would look at her with love in my eyes.

I would lust after her something fierce. I wanted her to just touch me soooo, badly. Well, during a offical ceremony, that gave me the spiritural responsibility to become a deacon, I got my wish. I would have laid prostrate at her very feet, but I guess bowing was good enough. I felt like I was being knighted for life.(In fact, I was, lol). Besides the fact that I had a spritual responsibility to my congregation, I devoted myself to her (even though I knew nothing was going to happen between us). Anyway, before her, we had a minister couple at our church. I fell in love with the wife. When she went by, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I know your supposed to be focusing on the message, but the messenger, wow!

I broke my heart in two when they left for a different congregation, in a different state. But, I'm getting off the subject, sorry. I suggest that you tell her of the progress that you have made, and that's it. continue on with your goals and congratulations.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 8:19am
Obi, you have the right to be proud of what you accomplished. Share that accomplishment with the people around you now. But I vote for leaving her alone. From what you wrote, she told you she’s not interested. She might think you're stalking her and request a restraining order. I don’t want to see you in troubles. You’ve worked too hard for any kind of records on file. Move on, you got a bright future. Your gal is out there waiting for you to complete your study and moved to an area you feel happy to live in. Just focus on your studies so you can finish soon. I wish you the best, Obi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 8:23am
Congratulation!

*bumper sticker* Honor Student on board. *S*
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 10:08am

You asked for advice, so I will be direct.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 10:55am
Caly,

Thanks for the advice. I was concerned about being hurt again.

I think it may be the area I live in, which prevents me from being able to obtain a date. My city has two "small" gay churches. Both churches consist of couples in the congregation. One of the churches in particular, in which the pastor has taken a great interest in me and has emailed me several times, consists of all couples as I mentioned. I informed the pastor in email about how depressing it was that the church consisted of all couples. I was hoping for him to reply with a "Oh, all of our singles weren't there the Sunday you visited." Instead, he replied, "Yes, I know we only have couples, but please join us again!"

What bothers me the most is not being able to get a date. If I had dated 10 women and hadn't yet found Ms. Right, then I could be satisified in the fact that at least I was dating and will find her someday. But, I'm not even "crawling"...you must crawl before you walk.

Thanks again Caly.

Take care,

Bug ( I'll just sign as Bug...the big fan of Star Wars)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:02am
LOL Gigi!!! Thanks for sharing. I'm not laughing at you...I'm laughing with you. Your post reminded me soooo much of me back in the late 90's.

You know, it is truly a wonder I didn't end of in some kind of BIG trouble. I pulled a few stunts unlike you. As you did, I too rushed to church to see her. I wasn't there for the message, but the messenger.

:) Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:06am
I agree with you. I never thought about the possiblity of her getting a restraining order. WOW! That would be AWFUL!! Yes, you are right, I don't have a RECORD (thank God), and I don't want one either!!

Thanks again. I'm glad I asked for advice on the board now.

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:09am
Thanks! :)

I was a full-time worker plus a full-time student during the spring semester. I don't care to ever put that kind of workload on myself again. However, I was very impressed with my accomplishment- especially under pressure.

The summer semester is proving to be just as demanding with 3 classes crammed into a 10 week session. I had only 1 week's rest between spring and summer. When the first week of August is over, I'm RESTING! I'll get, I think, 3 weeks of rest before fall semester begins.

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:36am
Kim,

Thanks for your advice. It is fine with me that you were candid.

For me, she was the PERFECT crush. I guess that's why I've held on to her for so long. Plus, when you've got someone to love (even if the lady isn't returning your affection), the loneliness is a bit more bearable, because then when you are alone, you can dwell upon her. She was the perfect crush because she couldn't date due to her being a pastor unwed. So, no one was going to come along and "take her." In past crushes, either the woman is married, or she doesn't return the affection because I'm not her type.

I can agree with you that, yes there wasn't anything there other than what was in my mind. ~Unfortunately~

I guess I was hoping that she was afraid to like me. Perhaps due to her being in the ministry. I wanted to maintain some sort of hope, I guess.

As far as moving is concerned, I see no other avenue unless some miracle happens. I cannot move until I have some sort of specialized training or degree. Since I'm only 2 semesters away from graduating, I'll stick with my current degree option--Information Systems.

I have considered going back to school to obtain a Bachelor's. I majored in Information Systems at the local community college because at the time that was all that seemed interesting to me. My greatest love is writing. If possible, I would like to pursue a Bachelor's in some sort of technical writing curriculum.

My plan is to graduate, move, rest, and then think about going back to school again. I've been considering Asheville, NC; Raleigh, NC; and FL. VA hasn't entered my mind. Thanks for the suggestions.

Asheville is a very liberal city. I've done some research on Asheville. It offers several gay bars (I'm not much of a gay bar person though), 1 jazz restaurant (gay friendly), gay friendly coffee houses, clubs that are gay friendly, and locally owned gay/lesbian hotels.

I'm not so sure about Raleigh in regard to gay friendliness; however Raleigh has abundant IT jobs. I could transfer to NC State University. LOL (NOT! I probably couldn't afford NC State) Dreaming. Go WOLFPACK! LOL

And, FL...Well, FL has the beaches and warm weather. Plus, I have family in FL. Though, I'm going to have to break the news to my mom that "Hey, mom, guess what...Me thinking I was a lesbian isn't a phase." I'm sure that will cause a major stress event! :(

You are also correct about the scholarships. Since I'm a member of Phi Theta Kappa, I qualify for a host of scholarship opportunities.

I liked your Move On theme of the post. Very creative. The writer in me approves!

Your post was very informative and helpful. Thanks again!

Bug

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