Anniversary - Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Anniversary - Sad
15
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:25am
I hope this isn't a downer to anyone. I was told by my therapist several years ago that I should talk about this if it ever began to bother me. It usually does bother me each year when the anniversary rolls around.

****WARNING***** This post is of a sad nature. So, if you aren't feeling down, perhaps you shouldn't read it. Thanks.


In July of 1995, I attempted suicide. My husband and I had just signed separation papers. I wasn't dealing with the possibility of being a lesbian very well. I decided that it would be better if I were dead. So, I overdosed on sleeping pills. It is long story that I'll not try to cover. It is very intense, and I don't know that everyone could handle it, so I'll stop here in regard to details.

Each year when the anniversary rolls around, I think about my life. I have to admit that sometimes I'm disappointed in where my life is going. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm lonely all the time. I'm tired of being lonely. I mean, what in the heck is so wrong with me? There's got to be something wrong! Who goes for years without a date? Who constantly gets rejected? I do!

I don't feel suicidal, so don't get all worried. But, I'm just tired of my life. I mean, this morning, I'm going to drowned myself in homework. Why? So, I'll not feel lonely. Don't you think that is pathetic? I do.

Gee, I mean, I must be hideous looking. Or, boring. I don't know. Something has to be wrong, because I've been alone sooo long. Nobody is alone this long. I bet I could qualify for some kind of Guinness Book of World record.

Anyway, you are probably wondering why in the heck I'm sharing this. Well, maybe you think it is because my life is pathetic. But, after the suicide attempt, I had to spend a night in a lockdown facility. Let me tell you something, you think you've got problems? Spend a night in a lockdown facility, and you'll realize that you don't have that many problems!!! The appointed psychiatrist told me that I should talk to someone when I feel very negative. So, that's what I'm doing.

So, now that I've shared all this negativity, I must end it with the positives in my life. I was told that I should do this. Sometimes, it does help. Okay, I have car (transportation), a roof over my head, food to eat, I can run ( I enjoy working out), and my health is excellent.

Okay, thanks for letting me spew my negativity and list my positives. Like I mentioned before, I was instructed to do so.

Take care,

Bug

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:53am

((((((((((((((((( Bug ))))))))))))))))))


Talking things out is what is helping me thru this divorce crap I'm going thru, so KEEP TALKING !!!


We all love you here and care about you. You are a very brave person to be able to share such a deeply personal part of your life with us, and for that I give you many-many-many hugs and kudos.


As I was told, you are among FRIENDS who love you & have huge shoulders. Think about all the positive in your life ! This is not a sad anniversary, it is a GREAT one ... we didn't loose you !!!


All my hugs and love,

"Kitty Cat Rules"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2002
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 11:21am
Thank you for sharing, I know it is difficult do at times. I have been a single parent for 19 years raising two children, one with multiple disabilities. My point is that I haven't had a date in that time. I too have days, where I hate being alone and not having someone's company. I have also asked two different woman both rejected me, so I went the route , what is wrong with me. I realize nothing, it is there loss for not knowing who I am. I wonder sometimes, if I can love again or capable, or when that special person will come into my life. Life is short and the wait is long, but I think it will be worth it.

Please continue posting and I offer my support. Takecare gracemae59
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 12:22pm
Bug????? Wow! Okay, I didn't realize that was you....I really don't know what to say but that I'm glad you were able to find a sounding board here. Don't let things get you so down Bug, you are NOT hideous looking, and your life is NOT pathetic, so long as you continue your schooling and do that homework, you'll definitely go somewhere and living will be worth it.

~~sadie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 12:44pm
Thanks Robin! That was a very encouraging post. Talking about things makes them seem smaller than they were before you began to speak. I appreciate your post!

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 12:48pm
gracemae59:

Thanks for your support! I couldn't imagine the responsiblity of raising two children--especially with one have multiple disablilities. Thanks for sharing that. I know what it is like to be rejected. I can definately feel your pain there.

Thanks again,

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 12:50pm
Thanks Sadie!

For some unknown reason, my membership was deleted/cancelled. I couldn't come back as Bug. Since most people know me by that here, I decided to begin signing as Bug. I picked the current screen name because I'm a big Star Wars fan.

Thanks again,

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 3:45pm
Dear obi wan kenobi jedi, Gigi here,

Hey, I understand where you're coming from. But the many times that I attempted suicide, I had to stop myself. I didn't take pills, but I won't tell how I did it. My life isn't so bad now. I have friends, straight and gay friends that I love very much and that love me.

Because I'm in couseling,(which my counselor has made the silly decision to cut down, because she's made the decision that I have better coping skills and all of that) she's have me done an exercise in looking at my lonliness. I have come to the conclusion that I don't have to just settle on just anyone that comes into my life. That I do have my own standards and expectations, realistic expectations, that I require for my next mate.

Even though I'm lonesome, and I've been depressed for about a week now, I simply have come to that conclusion, along with a health scare, I simply can't accept just anyone, no matter how much I want someone in my life. I have to be honest with myself and go it alone (of course, sex is still welcome) until Ms. Right (I guess she exists) comes into my life, or we happen to meet, or have met (I don't know for sure). So hold on and things will work out for you. Just be patient and everything will work out all right.

Hugs.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 7:01pm
Gigi:

Thanks for the advice. It could be the color of my mood, but I don't feel very hopeful in regard to Ms. Right. I wish I could be more optimistic. However, I'm not going to lie. I have great doubts about such a love or experience for myself. I've come to the conclusion that lesbian love like I wish it to be exists in the movies. I'm attracted to a feminine sort of woman, but yet I'm not butch. Let's face it, in the real world, that combination isn't as common. I'm not on some career job making BIG bucks. I'm not driving some SUV or BMW. I don't have a cottage on the lake. I'm not some big shot who helps the town council vote out anti-gay legislature. I'm just an average woman trying to make it. In the real world, that equals less than optimum chance of such a love happening.

If I were some celebrity like Ellen or Melissa, then yes, my dreams of being with a feminine type woman would come true. In an average Jane's life, that isn't as much of a possibility.

I don't have the resources to travel to find Ms. Right either. Heck, my wage is so low, that in the state of NC, I qualified for interest free school loan. Yes, interest free. Did you know that in the state of NC to qualify for that type of loan, you have to be considered low income. Now, no doubt about it, I don't look low income, but on paper, my income as total household income looks bleak. If I didn't live in an area where the expenses were so low, I would be in trouble. I would probably be working two jobs.

Next spring, I'll hopefully be graduating. But, still yet, my degree will only be an Associate's. Let's face it, Associate's isn't going to make me rich. I can only hope that it will bring a better opportunity outside of the area I live in. However, there aren't any promises in that.

I guess I'm just tired of banging my head against the wall. Yes, things could be worse. However, things could be better too. You know, I used to wish for a girlfriend. I used to dream about being in a relationship. I've lowered the bar now. Here lately, I just wish for one date. Or, hope for one time to hold a woman's hand. Heck, I'll even forgo the kiss, if I could just look into her eyes without being told I'm some misfit or that I'm not butch enough to please her.

I do want to express that I appreciate your post. I'm not trying to unload on you. Your post was kind and geniune. Thank you.

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:54pm

((((((Obi Bug)))))) I am sorry you feel this way every anniversary and I do understand how you are feeling and I know lonely is terrible..
You need to not think of your looks as hard as that is.. If people are not coming your way because of that and I know thats not it, cause I saw you pic, but besides that, if they are looking for what you are not then later for them!..
You are you!.. You are the only you there is!.. You will not come along again.. You bring what is you everywhere you go and loving you is the first step..
Loving you and enjoying being with yourself..


Easy words yeah probably easy to say but I have been where you are and no person.... No Love.... or so called love.... No sex... nothing... is worth trying to be something your not....
If and when someone thats compatiable for you comes along you will know it and it will be wonderful.. It will happen.. Til then just be ready and take care of you ..
But even if no one came.. still take care of you.. You are worth that..
I am tired so perhaps I am not getting out all I want to say but know we are here for you.. Cyber yes but still here and eventually perhaps you may meet some of us..
(((((((Hugs Hon))))) "CAT"



 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 11:39pm
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think it is healthy to get it out there and see in writing what is going on within... that always helps me.

Sometimes it is hard to believe in ourselves... so much is flowing the wrong way... but I've great faith in the universe... if we get into the flow of the universe, the current that we belong in... we float along and connect with others on the same journey. In my experience, the good things are worth waiting for. In order for others to believe, we first must believe in ourselves...

keep getting it out there, keep exorcising these feelings from you, and try letting good thoughts about you take their place.

*hugs* again...

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