~~sigh.....oh well

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
~~sigh.....oh well
36
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:30pm
I've been sitting here for the past 20 minutes, trying to send an email to "Cat", but for some reason I keep getting a message saying that I need to be signed on. So I signed on, 6 times, went back to do the email and still got the same message. grrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

Anyway, this is going to be very hard for me to write. My reason for originally wanting to email Cat is b/c she has been through this, and I really really really didn't want to bring any more negative personal *stuff* to the board -- btw, to all the Newbies, I'm not always such a downer, I swear.

Last night, I had to go to my ex husband's house to go over some insurance stuff for our son, who is currently seeing a psychiatrist for depression b/c of the situation with his parents, among other things. It started out tame, we were getting along allright I guess...but then he tripped on me (once again). He started in on my lifestyle, said that he was NOT going to allow HIS son to be around it under any circumstance and that I am still being followed by a PI. This led to a long, drawn out fight (I even cried damn it, I hate that)...He knows that I am going through some finacial difficulties right now, cannot afford an attorney, and that I am going through another bad case of depression triggered by my current financial and custody issues well...he gave me an ultimatum. He said I can either sign a document, hereby giving up all rights to my son or he would finally take me back to court - using all of his resources (inside the system). I have been advised by more than one or two ppl that if this were to happen, I would be on the streets homeless within a year b/c of the $$, power, and influence his family holds over the small county this will battle take place in. And even if I were to win, his parents would sue for custody next. And if I were to win that battle, his sister would sue next, and so on and so forth.......

So anyway (big long sigh after all that), I was thinking about a dream I had several years back. I was in a field I think, middle of the afternoon, the sky was clear...and I saw my son's face, smiling so sweetly at me, full of love -- and I smiled back, but then his face faded and I felt this tight, constricting squeeze around my heart. I woke up sweaty and panicked, thinking I'd lost him. Even when I realized that it was just a dream, I wasn't consoled. Now I am having that feeling IRL. My ex's family has started the process of turning my son against me - saying that I am sick and that my lifestyle means more to me than he does. The last time I saw him, he was distant and uncertain of me. He hesitated when I said "gimme 5", etc...things are strained now...

I spoke with one of my best friends when I got home last night who works as a legal secretary, and she made me feel a little better when she got into her legal jargain (she could be an awesome attorney herself if she wanted to)...but then I remebered the chain of custody battles I am facing with that entire family, the hurt I see in my son's face whenever I see him now, and I wonder.....Should I let go? If so, how? How would putting my son through all this legal tug-of-war going to affect him? Would everything be better off? It's not like these ppl (ex's family) are a bunch of druggies, prostitutes, sex offenders, alcoholics, etc...they are white bred, high class church goers who can give my son everything he wants and needs...which is more than I can say for myself right now.

Cat, I don't mean to dredge up painful memories, but I can really use some guidance here (and anyone else who wants to jump in).

Thanks. ~~sadie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:18pm
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sadie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am outraged. This using your son against you... threatening you... you do need representation, and someone well versed in these issues. I'm totally ticked thinking on this, heck I'd like a word with him.

Feel free to write me anytime... rayeellen@hotmail.com.

I think what he is doing is unconscionable. You are that child's mom, and you should not be deprived of seeing him. No way. You do have things to work with, to fight back with. I know you don't wish to for your son's sake. It all sounds like me a year ago, jaydi can vouch for me on that...

followed by a PI. What an ass.

*hugs* again... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sadie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:41pm
Ohhhhhh ((((((((Sadie))))))) I cried some as I read your post!.. I don't like crying either you know that..
But it's not your fault in any way that I cried.. please know that..
I ((((feel))) all your going through and as raye said.. "the nerve of him!"..
I want to give you advice but I made choices all out of fear.. Fear tactics were used against me also, and yours seems in the same line but with more money and authority in it, but I would tell you sadie Hon if you really believe in your heart you should fight him on this then go ahead and do so.. Talk to the other's out here that just found great legal councel for their situations..... I was very afraid of all my ex would and could do and now I am in the spot I am with my son's so grown and all the years missed.. I was just now... trying to let him(my ex) know, I am sending my son's out 2 packages tomorrow and they will arrive Friday.. Friday is my older Son's birthday.. I have to walk sort of

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:54pm

(((((((Sadie)))))))


I agree with Rayeellen 100%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 1:32am

Oh Sadie. (((((((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) and many, many comforting and healing thoughts. Don't ever worry about being a downer, we want to know what's going on.

~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 3:22am
Sadie, here are lots of hugs coming your way, you need them now and will for a long time so use them often. I don't know how to respond with a short note since this is so complicated on several levels so please bear with me here. I have been in a similar situation as well and also have friends in an identical situation as you are right now. I'll try to respond here seperating each level so maybe its less jumbled to read.

Since I am new here I don't know how old your son is but that is an important piece of information legally. If he is 12ish or older then what he wants may count equally as heavily in the eyes of the law as what you or your husband want, in some cases more so. Each state has a minor's age minimum where their wishes are heard and taken into consideration in this situation. If your son is younger his input is still important to a judge. Sometimes this all boils down to what is in the best interest of the child and sometimes this can get so complicated because both parents are really ok, stable and able to care for the child. Threatening to sue you for custody and then have each member of his family do the same is nothing more than a control issue on his part and it is not that easy for someone to win over a parent so his threats about bringing in the family is more hot air than anything. Courts want children to be with natural parent/s unless a parent is unfit. In todays age being gay is not evidence of unfitness.

You have to be scared, miserable, shakey, angry and a boatload of other things, if you can seek counseling or therapy right now it would really benefit you. Making decisions on your own out of fear or anger or depression puts you at a disadvantage so seek some therapy for yourself. Be sure it is someone very supportive of Lesbian lifestyle and someone who if called upon can stand up in court and state that you are sane, stable, a loving mother etc. and can take care of your son. If you are feeling less threatened personally and more in control of emotions and actions your decisions will be something that you can live with later down the line.

Your communication with your son is also important, at times like this where there is hostility by a parent in this case his father the child wants to do things to please the parent and bring back calm. Your son may not realize he makes decisions this way but its what kids do, they want to take the path of least resistance. Its important that when you talk with your son that he not feel more torn than he must already feel. He needs to know that this is not his fault cause down deep kids think it is. He needs to know that sometimes things change for the parents and they cant live together anymore but that the love for your son never changes, its a different kind of love. He needs to know that no matter what he does or feels that the situation for the adults isn't going to change but that you care how he feels and what he does.

Sadie, dont fall into a trap of thinking this is your fault, it isn't. The man you are married to was a controller before you married him, he feels jilted and vengeful, you didn't cause him to have these insecurities. Being a Lesbian has little to do with where the situation is for the both of you. I know it seems like it is the cause and he sure wants to make it the cause but it isn't. Life is fluid, people change, their needs and wants and desires change and if both partners can change and flow together then the relationship is solid. Once the partners begin to find new direction without the other then the relationship begins to deteriorate. Not being able to flow together can be caused by a hundred things in life, aging, work, physical health, responsibilities, interests, hobbies, sexual differences, control issues, kids, my lord the list goes on and on and on. Any of these things or combination of these things changing causes partners to reevaluate and compromise and since things change constantly then compromises and reevaluations are often. When partners don't do this then we find other things outside of the relationship to help with our changing needs and wants. Its nothing more than evolving which we all do all the time like it or not. You have evolved into what you are today, a Lesbian. He has evolved into what he is today which is not close to where you are so you are no longer compatible. Its way to easy to point fingers and say this caused it or that caused it but the reality is that life caused this as it evolved. So my friend, don't allow yourself to put a label on your forehead and say I am a Lesbian so therefore I broke up the happy family, it just doesn't happen that way. Where you are now is the end result of what has happened in your life up until now. Same goes for your husband.

I know of several friends who gave up their children rather than fight, some because they didn't have much money to fight with but mostly because they were worn down with guilt and fear and it was a matter of survival. In each case they did regret not fighting because the kids were left in only one environment and the father managed to turn the kids against the Lesbian mother. As the kids got older all but one was able to see it for what it was, make their own decision and reunite with their mothers. But it was so hard on the kids to be brainwashed and to listen to hatred and hostility morning noon and night as they grew up with the father, that has some real negative outcomes for the kids. At the same time, if you are worn down to survival mode there is not much that you can do to help yourself or your son. So, find a sympathetic lawyer who unerstands all of this and is willing to work with you and find a therapist who will do the same, they can be your lifelines through some tough times ahead. Let them decide how much of what your husband says is smoke and how much has validity in court and worry only about those things.

I was able to fight and keep my daughter with me in spite of my husbands threats and legal action to have her removed from me. Hell even the neighbors got together and formed a committee to help him since they were sure that being a Lesbian was identical to being a satanic pervert. The neighbors told the court that I had a Lesbian whore house going and my daughter was in mortal danger. My best ally way my therapist who came forward and told the court the truth about both myself and things my husband had said and done in her presence, that was what made the courts decision.

It's impossible to remain calm all the time during this even if that is your goal but try to build things into your daily schedule that give you peace and calm because that will help you see more clearly. Make yourself believe that this is not your fault no matter what anyone hurls at you. Remember your son loves you and always will no matter what is hurled at him. Believe in yourself by making yourself stronger as you seek for help from professionals.

I ache for you Sadie, I think we all do on the board. We are here for you anytime you need any of us. When you are mad there will be some to help you scream out the pain, when you are crying there will be some to help lift the load of tears and cry with you, when you want ideas and suggestions there will be some with those as well, use all your resources my friend :)

Judy

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:16am

Oh Sadie! *************HUGS***********************


This was soo hard for me to read, as yesterday I sat with my STBX and signed final divorce papers and talked about Jordan living full time with Dad when I move to Tennessee..

*hugs ~ Caly

Avatar for tookie12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:42am
Sadie...Please don't sign anything without speaking to legal representation....as mother you have rights...like Pam said even if for now it is occasional visitation that will lay the foundation for the future when you are back on your feet financially and emotionally. Sweetfeets WILL remember that Mom was always apart of his life that way. PLEASE.....contact legal aid. Don't give it all up....the pain will be overwhelming.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

my blog....where i scoop the poop

htt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 8:15am

Sadie,


I agree with Pam on this one.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:25am

I absolutely HATE your ex, Sadie.


There's something awful about a man who will take his hurt out on a child, under the pretense of 'protecting' him. That's all this is. For proof; if he wasn't so motivated, he and his family wouldn't be putting you down to your son.


I'd dig in my heels, Sadie.. resist with everything you've

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:26am
Judy, I have to say that was an excellent post... heck all of them in this thread are... but you really registered with this.

*hugs*

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