Sometimes it's hard to sort out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Sometimes it's hard to sort out...
13
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:36pm

WHAT the heck I am feeling--lol! So I'll start by saying hello! I know it's been a while since I've initiated a post but oh well! Hope all you ladies are having a good summer! I've missed being around as much as I normally am but being here with my Sandy for the past nearly two months, let's just say we've been busy--with one thing or another! LOL! Also, life itself can get kinda hectic...have had some family issues happen while I'm here plus hosting my board....


Anyway, I just need to ramble a bit if you'll allow me? I think by now most (if not all) of you know that Sandy and I are deeply committed to each other and love each other dearly! For the most part, our families are accepting of each other, too! But ladies, I gotta tell ya, sometimes, my buttons get pushed--and I'm sure Sandy's do too!


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Avatar for mschiffven
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 6:59pm
We have a lot in common there, Lori!

Nat's kids are exactly the same towards their mother. Nat will stand up to everyone else, even when she knows she is wrong, but she wont stand up to her kids! They get away with just about everything. They frequently swear at her and call her obscenities which mean "prostitute". It's very hard to deal with. And the hardest thing is she wont let me discipline her kids. I cant do anything about it. All I can do is tell them the things they say when they are angry and very hurtful and they upset mum more than she will let on. All I can do is say to Nat, you know, there was another way to handle that situation.Er, and also remind them that if they EVER call me anything like that, even in anger.. I hope they like the taste of soap....

But at the end of the day, they are her kids, her responsibilty and I have to respect that. As her partner, the best I can do is support her even when I dont agree with her.

Most of the arguments and rifts we have had stem from a situation with the kids. Usually we are able to talk it through. Doesnt always help.

I also have the added difficulties that she treats my kids differently to hers, I am not allowed to discipline her kids but she is very hard on mine. Even when I ask her to leave it to me, she will not let my kids get away with what hers do. Then again, I dont let my kids do even half the things her kids get away with.

And also there is the fact that her boys spent a major part of their early years in hospital. She was told her youngest wouldnt live past two years. She gives him everything he wants, nothing is ever his fault. She says my kids are not sick so I cant understand.

No, I dont understand. BUt what I do understand is that I have to do the best for MY kids, not hers. I am moving out into my own place as soon as housing finds me one. Nat and I will still work on our relationship but the dynamics of it all should even up.


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Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 7:27pm

Hi Lori!


Im not sure I have much advice to give at this point but I did want to send alot of *HUGS!! ((((((((((((Lori)))))))))))))


I suppose down the road this will be something that I will have to deal with, when I am with TiNG full time and helping to raise her girls.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:14pm

Hi Caly and thanks for sharing your thoughts and hugs! I do agree with you on the "Choose your battles" front and I guess I need to do that too! In my head I KNOW these aren't my children legally and for so long, I wasn't even in the picture (they are almost young adults now). I truly am not saying or even insinuating that I would be the perfect parent or even a superior one--just that I dislike seeing the verbal abuse they throw at her and the lack of help/cooperation that happens when she asks them to do something. In my head, I picture myself "doing it different"--and I know I would but different is just that--doesn't mean it's right or wrong--just different!


Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:12pm

Hi again Lori and thanks for your reply too!


I do keep meaning to send that email but it seems between this board and my DS one and day to day stuff,

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:14pm

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting these young adults

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:47pm

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your thoughts with me--what you said makes a lot of sense! I guess deep down I did worry that perhaps she was going in to work because she was upset at me for sticking up for her (how confusing is THAT sentence? LOL!) but really deep down, I KNOW that in those two areas especially, kids/work, she can't say no or assert her wants/needs. She took this job at this new place as a "for now" job--something to pay some bills and buy groceries until she starts getting child support REGULARLY and, until she starts school in September. There have already been a few instances there where I feel they were unfair to her and asking too much of her---not respecting her boundaries as far as availability and a few other things. But I try and remind myself that is HER decision to go in or not and that I KNOW setting a boundary is hard for her as is confrontation so just "go with it" the best I can. Sometimes I do better at it than others but I guess that's normal!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 1:53pm

>Sometimes I do better at it than others but I guess that's normal!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:39pm
Lori, keep in mind though that those kids have been through a lot of changes... you, dealing with their mother's sexuality, a change of home, and I'm sure all sorts of dad crap.

Kids get stressed too and need an outlet. They can't pop an anti-depressant or sleeping pill when they want to, drop in on their psychiatrist or take off for a relaxing and romantic meal with their partner. Not to excuse their behavior but understand they may be getting out some very legitimate stress and anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:59pm

Hi Jaydi,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 1:32pm
One other quick reminder. Hormones are completely RAGING at 14, for most kids. Boys are surly and girls become very emotional... and they both can be as rebellious as heck. It is very normal to repeatedly tell your 14-year old to do something and get a rebellious answer in response.

We, as parents, seem to accept the 2-year old trantrum-type behavior, but somehow, get all bent out when a 14-year old goes through their "tantrums."

Quite frankly, if the girl didn't want to shower... so what? I wouldn't have picked this as one of my battles. If she didn't want to pack, I would have made sure she understood the consequences of her not packing and then left it up to her. Teens, especially boys, need to feel they have some control over their life; especially lives that are so out-of-control. It may have been that your partner realized (too late) that this wasn't a battle she should have chosen, thus the withdrawal.

And please keep in mind that the inability to do these things (like shower or pack) or the lack of desire to do them, may be signs of other problems (depression?) and something to be sensitive to... considering their background.

Kids are not easy, especially other people's kids... good for you for taking it on and showing concern.

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