I am so unsure what to do or how to feel
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| Sat, 07-10-2004 - 8:26pm |
I sure could use some brutally honest opinions and suggestions. I feel pretty alone and misunderstood with my situation right now. My partner and I met online many years ago, and she lived in MN and I live in MI. Our long distance relationship only lasted a few months when she decided to move to MI to with me. I offered to be the one to move, but she wanted to be the one to move. I'm actually very grateful that she didn't ask me to move because it would have been terrible if I had at the time- I have a daughter that I share joint custody of and I woulnd't have been able to move with my daughter. At the time, her mom and sister lived in NH and my partner wasn't too involved with the rest of her family in MN. She also wasn't out to anyone in her family, so it was easier on her at that time to move to MI. She wasn't picky about where she lived in MI, so it wasn't hard to find a place that she liked. Since then, her mom and sister has moved back to MN, they now know my partner is gay and that we're a couple, and my partner has very strongly wanted us to move to MN. Her family is giving me a bit of pressure to move too. We've been planning for us to move to MN within the next couple years (hopefully with my daughter too), but anytime we have come to MN to visit her family, she's never understood my request to show me around for a little while here or there to allow me to get acquainted with the different suburbs and neighborhoods, etc. to get an idea of where to start looking for houses. I don't understand it - is my request unreasonable? We are in MN right now, and before we left on this trip, I asked her to please plan to spend a few hours with me showing me around and the different neighborhoods, etc. She got pretty pissed at that. We're obviously very different in this because she doesn't think it's that important to plan ahead.
Everytime we come to MN, my partner's mom and other relatives make all of these plans and we are stretched so thin on time. I couldn't have one cup of coffee this morning without her mom telling me to hop in the shower. I am so exhausted by the time we leave. My partner is thrilled with everything we do, and I feel like I'm a weirdo for not also having a good time. It is so hard to act cheerful and pleasant after several days of this...it's hard to stay patient when I've become angry and bored out of my mind over this. I love most everyone in her family and enjoy the parties and funfare, but it's always dragged out so long. I wind up having to listen to all of the reminiscing and the family talking about themselves so much, and it's ahrd to keep a smile on my face for hours at a time and keeping track of all these events, etc. as if I had been there. For every 15-20 minutes of time I'm listening to family talk at these events, I probably talk for a minute. I know my partner has not noticed, but the only types of things anyone wants to know about me often are awkward questions. It's so hard to stay sane. They[re great people, it's just so tiring and soooo boring after awhile.I feel like I'm this bystander. My partner gets more time off of work each year than I do, and I've given up a lot of my vacation for this long trip. We did get to drive around for a few hours to look at neighborhoods and to go to this one store that I wanted to pick up a couple things at (some of the items were for a get together), and except for that, every damn thing we've done on this trip has been decided by everyone else. And it's like this every time we come here. Finally today which is the last day of the trip, a big party was planned at a cousin's home and I just can't take anymore faking cheerfulness and dragged out stuff, so I said I'd hang out at my partner's mom's house. That didn't go over real well and I know my partner's mom thinks I'm totally unsociable now despite my having attended every other event. Last night, I suggested to my partner to pay for all 12 relatives/friends who attended dinner and I'm pretty sure she did due to the comments I heard (like I've had privacy to ask her?) and not one person thanked me - yet they know we share finances. Yet when my partner's mom comes visit us in Michigan, she lays around watching t.v. so much- it's her "relaxation" time my partner reminds me. My partner's mom probably works 10 hours a day, but for some reaon, the fact that I work equally long hours isn't really ever acknowledged by anyone unless I mention it myself.
On top of all this, I quit smoking 3 years ago and virtually everyone in the family smokes a lot. It is so stinky and tempting for me to smoke because I'm going mad here. Yet my partner who also quit smoking started smoking again right BEFORE we left on the trip so now I"m stuck smelling all her smoke in the car and here too. My enjoyment is to have a cocktail here and there socially or to just unwind (we're talking just 1-2 an evening) and I can count on one hand how many times in my entire life I've been drunk and haven't been drunk in years, but because my partner's mom went through treatment 23 years ago, I can't usually have a cocktail when I want. My partner's mom is understanding to a degree, but my partner isn't. I have no individuality...it's like I have to conform to the way they act.
My partner tells me if we move to MN, things would be different and it wouldn't be a constant barage of family in and out, but I doubt that because they don't seem to have a good sense of keeping things in balance. I'm starting to wonder if I'd be making a huge mistake moving to MN. I love my partner so much, but I'd be away from my daughter (I haven't even gone into how hard that would be as she lives with her dad and it would be sooo rough for me and my daughter to be apart). What it all boils down to is I love my partner with all my heart, and want her happy... but selfishly, I'm sick of feeling guilty that she's away from her family so I also want to move just so she doesn't complain so much. I'm worried if I don't move to MN, I'll either feel guilty for the rest of my life or she'll break up with me... or that I might eventually break up with her if I can't continue to take this for much longer. I'm writing this fairly fast, so I hope I don't sound like a nutcase...I wouldn't be surprised if I truly am a nutcase because that's how I feel right now.
Does anyone have any similar experiences, thoughs or advice? I'm so confused. I know this is a novel, and I appreciate your reading it. I'm still in MN, and I look forward to getting back home and having privacy to read responses on Tuesday.
Thank you so much.
Hugs,
Tini

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Hi Tini and Welcome to Lesbian Life.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
Wow Tini!
Certainly seems to me like you have done your share of compromising and arent getting alot in return.
*hugs ~ Caly
I can feel you in your post ..I have been in those type situations before as well as my bestest friend /partner..
Both our families have treated us both in that type of senenario, mine more so to her I think.. Her's a bit more welcoming..
Anyways.. We have many things that we see together as a pair that can be threatining to us as a partnership and we have learned we are what counts and anything that interfers with us or can cause us to tumble is well... (off limits).. We compromise at how long we stay amongst family and have our little signals for (it's Time to get outta here!) LOL
We talk over things that we think are big descions that will affect both of us..
You deserve to be happy and be heard..
Doesn't sound like you are.. Seems like if you make this move you will pay a high price for it!
Believe me if it's like that now it's not going to change..
Leaving your daughter is also another biggie..
You need to be heard in that and if she doesn't feel your feelings then she is not really loving you..
Sad as it may be to accept ....better you do it now,
C >^. A .
Thanks very much for your warm welcome and replies. I really appreciate it. Of course, I wish there was some "magical" answer to my dilemma, I really appreciate your brutal and helpful honesty. It's so good to know that I'm not absolutely wacko for how I feel. Though I know I'm at least a little wacko by nature! :)
As I knew my post was going to be novel-size in length and I tried to keep some details concise, I'm afraid I may not have been too clear about some things. I do love my partner with all of my heart and our relationship otherwise is fairly wonderful (intimacy is severely lacking and that can be extremely lonely). I hate to admit it, but we're getting to be more like very close friends than lovers. I need a lover. Breaking up would be devastating, but I went through a really difficult divorce, so I know I could survive breaking up with my partner if I had to. I also don't think I was too clear about who makes the plans when we come visit her family - I'm actually never all that clear who makes all the plans, but I think my partner does have a significant involvement in all of the plan making - it isn't just her mom or her relatives arranging everything. What hurts me so much is that we've been here quite a few times and it's always like this and I have tried to discuss it with her.
My partner and her mom got back from the "party" at around 2a.m. so they had been gone nearly 11 hours and they pretty much went right to bed. I am so glad I didn't go. I know it was jerky of me to do, but I pretended to be asleep when they got home. I just wasn't in the mood to hear about all their fun and how I should have gone. My partner has been sleeping in her mom's bed with her since we got here (normal for each trip)... I have to sleep on the most uncomfortable hideaway bed that I've ever slept on. Yesterday evening, we played cards for a bit and we had a lot of fun...until I asked if we could play Rummy and then all of a sudden they were too tired and had to get to bed. It was a lighthearted time and I joked about having to sleep alone, but then her mom said something strange... she said "well you better get used to it." When I asked if she knew something I didn't, she said she was kidding... but that was so strange... it completely made the happiness I had for the past hour totally disappear.
I was mistaken about there not being anything else that I wanted to do on the trip... we did go to a restaurant that her mom and I have wanted to try - it happened to be in the mall of america (world's largest mall) and my partner's cousin's two kids came along. Long story short, we stayed at the Mall of America for what seemed like an eternity and tons of walking (this was never part of the plan) and my back has been hurting pretty darn bad ever since. It just seems like anything that is fun is dragged out to death until all of the excitement has long passed. There has been so many little things that are just adding up.
buterflikisses2, my partner's family is Swedish and a bit of Irish. I don't think it's their ethnicity that makes them act the way they do, but her family doesn't have any really serious interests besides some sports. Getting together and clowning around is pretty much it as far as I can tell. They truly are funny and friendly people for the most part (though some of their joking can be at the expense of others). There is absolutely no balance. I am different from them in so many ways.
My partner's mom is getting married in October. A marriage with the full fanfare. I must admit I am not looking forward to another trip, the expense (it's never cheap to come out here cause we're always buying stuff for everyone it seems) and the lost vacation days. I really do not want to go but I know I will really get a hard time or be looked down upon if I don't go. How would you handle it? Assuming we're still together - we own a house together so breaking up won't be the easiest. And my partner's mom is kind of a control freak... she hasn't lived with her fiance and I don't expect this marriage to work because they are so different. I think it's very likely that within a couple months of her marriage, she is going to want to come out to Michigan to "get away." I am not looking forward to that either (my world is shifted upside down when she stays with us because I manage my own business from my home office).
I know I'm not the easiest to get along with either, but I always feel like the "black sheep" having to comform to everyone else whether we're staying in Minnesota or staying at our house in Michigan. Thanks so much for listening. Sorry to be dragging you guys into my "pity party!" :) I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to vent.
Hugs,
Tini
Hey Tini,
I think the mother/child relationship comes first.
Aww crap, Tini... none of that sounds any good. You need a long talk with your partner, find out what's going on.
Did you get any sleep last night at all? *counting on my fingers* 4am? Go to bed woman.... being dog-tired is not going to help things. *massive hugs* ~~
Hey Tini!
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
It was good stuff Nony.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
The nest you fell out of would have to be pretty cool, Pam ;)
*hugs* ~
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