Sliding into the surreal...
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| Mon, 08-09-2004 - 6:32pm |
In mid-April, my belongings left there arrived here... thought the issue was all sorted in my head, but... au contraire raye ellen! I damn near sent the package back with a note saying to throw it all away. Instead I wrote her, found that she was still in the same place as last November, wished her well, told her why I could no longer hold out hope for our friendship, and said goodbye. Along with it, I said goodbye to her partner, even though there was no issue between us. I simply could not heal without doing so.
Fast forward to the present, or at least... this past weekend. I had written an innocent post in answer to a question about friendship. I mentioned a "spectacular failure."
I had a private message from... her ex. Oy.
I did not read it initially... went to bed somewhat panicking... thoughts swirling through my head "she saw that post..." and if so, what did I say, what did it trigger, what did she read into it? As far as I knew, she had never learned the details of what transpired between max and me after max left her. When I went to the board the next day I clicked on the message. And surprise... far from taking me to task, she was expressing support, saying not to beat myself up, that it took two to tango, not one... I was taken aback.
I know she has suffered *badly* because of their split up... she has serious issues to wrestle with. She had ended the message with a note about how cryptic it was, but that she was unsure of what was appropriate to say and not say. It resonated with me, and my response was to offer encouragement and support in return. It also opened the floodgates wide.
I was up until 3:30AM this morning discussing this... pieces that niether of us were aware of we now had. The discussion continued today, and hope against hope she can now heal because of has been shared. I worry still.. she did write her a generic message that called max on the lies told her ex. I fear my intentions, while they may help her heal, have also created new issues... who else but me knows? I probably have a more complete picture than anyone at this point. There is plenty I simply will not share, ever.
A new fear... Max knows where this came from, and will write me... my outlook on it all has changed.. the nice message of April would be anything but now. I don't want to be here, in this surreal world of a past life. It's o-v-e-r... just wanted to help someone realise it wasn't them... but in fact, may have created a monster.
I'm still thinking, my head is still swirling over it all. This message likely makes no sense, but I wrote it, got it out of me, and can always edit/add later.

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I read your post twice and am taken by that each time..
But your way with words is not of course what the post was about.. I understand your thoughts and feelings on this.. Wow Huh?
Well time surely will be the teller of this one..
I know how much this friendship became to you and the cost of it by means of your input of feelings and time and beyond.... I also know how you've worked to overcome it and let it stand as was..
Just sending ((((((Hugs))))))"CAT"
C >^. A .
(((((((Raye)))))))
Glad you got some of it out.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
Yikes, Rayeellen!! *imagining you in a Dali painting, melting clocks hanging about and ghosts of past friendships lurking behind them*
I wouldn't worry too much about Max knowing the source of Ex's new knowledge. The contact came innocently enough and when you realized you had a virtual salve for Ex's wounds... *shrugging shoulders* Of course you helped! You're a generous, loving person. Anybody would have done the same. I know I would have.
With what you know, don't you think the 'nice message of April' was little more than a pretty bow on a box of crap? While she wants to maintain the illusion of being nice, you have nothing to gain by buying into it. You said it's over. Ignoring any contact, should it come, would make it so.
My worry for you in this situation, is that Ex might come to expect you to participate in regular complaint sessions, making you her emotional crutch. You've given her the tools, now she's the one who needs to do the work. You want to be over this.
You take care hon, and don't let this upset your equilibrium ~
((((((((((((((Raye)))))))))))))) From what you've said, I don't think you did anything wrong or to intentionally hurt someone. You just helped another person when you were in a position to do so. It sounds like you did the right thing. (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))
~C
Time is indeed the only answer... it has always gotten me through, no different now. And the words help, they are like casting it out of me in order to examine the worthiness of what they describe.
Nothing 'whimsical' about it though...
I don't know the story between you/max/and the ex. I just want to say don't worry about what Max knows or don't know and where any information is coming from or going. Max must have left a strong impression on you both. You were being a nice person to help another human being.
I hope you got out the majority of stuff you need to take out with this post. If not, there's always takeout chinese food. *S*
((((((((((((( Raye )))))))))))))
No longer worrying over Max knowing... last night before bedtime was rough... I felt sooooo unclean. I hate seeing people hurt, wish to see everyone to work past things and find happiness. Max deserves that, her current partner does, Kari does... and I do. Anyway, I wrote Max today, not looking for a reply, and told her so. I just wanted her to know why Kari knew, and that we can take one for her, to help her heal.
I agree there is a danger in her relying on me for support, and perhaps even for information. Kari will not heal if she remains in search of what I know... and I've already backed off a little... no way I was going to be involved in an hours long exchange today. I've done my part... there is much that remains in my head and will always be the province of only Max, Taylor, and me.. revealing any of it serves no purpose, and it would help no one.
I appreciate your kind words, nony! This has been such dyke drama over the last year... it was nice to write Max today from a calm, reasoned place... that did much for me as well.
Thanks again!
(((smooch)))
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