Sliding into the surreal...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sliding into the surreal...
19
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 6:32pm
I've shared before the crazy story about how I was going to assist a friend in her quest to become legal in this country. It never quite wants to be relegated to the past.

In mid-April, my belongings left there arrived here... thought the issue was all sorted in my head, but... au contraire raye ellen! I damn near sent the package back with a note saying to throw it all away. Instead I wrote her, found that she was still in the same place as last November, wished her well, told her why I could no longer hold out hope for our friendship, and said goodbye. Along with it, I said goodbye to her partner, even though there was no issue between us. I simply could not heal without doing so.

Fast forward to the present, or at least... this past weekend. I had written an innocent post in answer to a question about friendship. I mentioned a "spectacular failure."

I had a private message from... her ex. Oy.

I did not read it initially... went to bed somewhat panicking... thoughts swirling through my head "she saw that post..." and if so, what did I say, what did it trigger, what did she read into it? As far as I knew, she had never learned the details of what transpired between max and me after max left her. When I went to the board the next day I clicked on the message. And surprise... far from taking me to task, she was expressing support, saying not to beat myself up, that it took two to tango, not one... I was taken aback.

I know she has suffered *badly* because of their split up... she has serious issues to wrestle with. She had ended the message with a note about how cryptic it was, but that she was unsure of what was appropriate to say and not say. It resonated with me, and my response was to offer encouragement and support in return. It also opened the floodgates wide.

I was up until 3:30AM this morning discussing this... pieces that niether of us were aware of we now had. The discussion continued today, and hope against hope she can now heal because of has been shared. I worry still.. she did write her a generic message that called max on the lies told her ex. I fear my intentions, while they may help her heal, have also created new issues... who else but me knows? I probably have a more complete picture than anyone at this point. There is plenty I simply will not share, ever.

A new fear... Max knows where this came from, and will write me... my outlook on it all has changed.. the nice message of April would be anything but now. I don't want to be here, in this surreal world of a past life. It's o-v-e-r... just wanted to help someone realise it wasn't them... but in fact, may have created a monster.

I'm still thinking, my head is still swirling over it all. This message likely makes no sense, but I wrote it, got it out of me, and can always edit/add later.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:18pm
stalking???

say it aint soooo.

raye, do take care.

(((rayeellen)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:54am
Hi eastie, and thanks... it did indeed get ugly, and think a lot of emotion stored over 9 months came flooding out.

Max was stalked at one time by a partner she had lived with in South Carolina... her last partner, and the one I tried to help, had issues, but wasn't quite stalking level... I'd say possessive! I have no illusions about her, but did think she needed to heal and live her life. There were issues between the two, and neither covered themselves in glory. When she asked questions of me... I was tired of hiding it all, covering it up; as mentioned, I had written Max and owned up to it, and told her why I answered the questions, she wrote a response that tried to shift guilt on me once again, and she finally heard all of the emotion I stored since last fall in return. As expected, her partner defended her last night, and we exchanged messages that were... not friendly, basically called her on abhorrent behaviour. By the time I went to bed...

all three of us had resigned our accounts there. I did not sleep well, hardly at all. When I got up this morning... there were 4 emails from max overnight. Apparently she does have a conscience, and could not sleep either. I glanced at one, but sent a short note saying I could not read them now, that I needed a few days to find a place of peace to read and perhaps respond... one was a copy of what her ex sent her (which I'd already seen) but the one I looked at seemed to be an attempt to smooth things over, but she was doing so by shifting it all on her ex, saying she was using me. I'll not do that - I make my own choices. I'm not sure what to make of it. Max lives in fear of being sent home, and think she may be worried someone would report her. Her ex has assured me she would never do such a thing, but it is such a concern for Max that I can understand why she worries over it.

Anyway, I feel like a lot of stuff that needed to be out is out, and maybe everyone can live in peace now. I've had a few experiences with dyke drama now, and... yikes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:57am
Actually, I quoted you to the curly one... though I did not identify you as the person who said it, but it worked for me! I'm waiting for the hitman to show up.

Hope you and Diana are having fun... I still smiel thinking of that *huge* sandwich she ate the first day I was there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:09pm
I've not had Chinese since it poisoned me New Year's Eve. Yuch.

I'm going to write a book about this experience (the Max one, not the barfy one), and it would make a fun movie. Elvira Kurt can play me.

Did Max leave a strong impression on me? Yeah... for 4 months I was as close to her as to any human being ever, and she probably knew me better than my ex did over 27 years. The sad thing is... the first email she sent me yesterday bothered me in another way, besides what she was saying to me. The confident person I knew was gone, she sounded desperate and fearful. One comment in particular both floored me and scared me, because she is so not like this... saying if she was forced to leave this country she could not bear to leave her partner, and would off herself. I've no doubt she would, she has more willpower than anyone I've ever met. She deeply loves her partner, and I understand why: she is a genuinely wonderful person. Yet... one other element of that troubled me: her partner has had her father, uncle, and cousin do so, and she has had to go through therapy because of it all. The potential for disaster here is all too real.

Despite the anger and the exchanges, these are people I will likely always have a genuine affection for - it's tough to be pissed at them. No matter what, there are good memories that shine through it all, especially of Max. I don't want those memories tainted.





Edited 8/12/2004 1:00 pm ET ET by rayeellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:10pm
Thank you, traci... and *hugs* back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:11pm
Thank you, ic... hope you are letting Kim get her beauty sleep on occasion...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:36pm
Sometimes Rayeellen one needs to just bring forth from brain to fingertips. I may not know what is going on but always happy to lend an ear or is that eyes? *shrug*

Take care of you. {{{{Hugs}}}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 3:39am
Your message makes a lot of sense to me ... (((((raye)))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 12:27am
Thanks, papiro... good to see you here... don't be a stranger!

I should mention whilst posting that the events are all over, and my emotions are totally drained. Now if amnesia would befall me, wiping out say... 12 months of memory... I'd be blissfully ignorant.

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