Part 2 (Very long, winded, etc)

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Part 2 (Very long, winded, etc)
17
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:28pm
I posted the other night about not knowing how to explain what went on during my get-together w/ Brittany. I guess in a way I feel differently posting about her than I have with anyone else, maybe b/c I've known her since she was so young and I have a definite soft spot in my heart for her I dunno...I came here the other night wanting to let it out, but at the same time not wanting to - I know that may sound confusing, wierd maybe? If I seem two-faced, deciding to relay this story as it unfolds yet withholding my thoughts on some levels I apologize.

Anyway, Thursday night (her actual b-day) was great, for the most part. I went into it with the intention of catching up on her life, and I'll admit I was curious about her. I never paid much attention to the little girl she was, but seeing the way she's matured and the direction she went really hit me. Hell, I didn't even realize that I reached out for her first at Target that day after realizing who she was until she told me, and I don't get why that means so much (she kept bringing it up all night)...I'm still trying to figure out also how she could remeber my voice after all of those years. She brought that up too, said she was standing dead still in the next isle, listening to me & T for a minute trying to determine if it was...then I raised my voice and let out an obscenity and she knew (lol, yeay me. that's how I'm remebered?). She described so many feelings that went through her, and when I reached out for her first she almost started to cry *yikes*.

I basically came to the conclusion that she wants to live out some sort of fantasy or something, that she remebers who I was and that I'm still that same person. I made it clear to her, without divulging too much info on my life, that I'm not. She said "Well, I'm not the same person either, except for one thing"...Yeah, she did have to remind me several times that she's not a little girl anymore - guess I reverted to "baby sitter" role a few times, though not intentional. At one point while I was driving, I came to a sudden stop and the right arm impulsively shot straight out and across her chest. I

grinned at her sheepishly and apologized, figuring she would blast me again for treating her like a baby. She grinned back but didn't say anything.

Personal conversation goes on for several hours before I remeber that it's a school night and call it an evening. Got direction to the party for Sat night and said our g'byes. Okay yes, we did kiss on the lips in the end.

Now to yesterday(saturday). Trish bailed on me. Remeber, she and I told Brit that we'd make an appearance. When I finally got ahold of T to find out what time she'd be ready, she was like "What? I'm not going to that. I was just being nice". On top of that, I had just had another very unpleasant dispute with ex hubby and a tearful visit with sweetfeets, so I was depressed as hell and on the verge of another anxiety attack. When I started arguing with T, she advised me that I would be stupid to go to this party myself. She went on to express her HOP that Brit is a freak now, probably her friends too, there might be drugs going around, and definitely alcohol. T didn't think I needed to be drinking while I was depressed - would only make it worse - and said if I needed to be around ppl to just go over to her place and hang with them. I agreed that I didn't need to be around alcohol, but also didn't want to go to her house either.

As I felt the anxiety attack getting worse, I took a Risperdal that was perscribed to me about a year ago. I've only taken it about 4 times before b/c the effect is extremely strong (at least with me it is). I think the last one I took was right after my car accident earlier this year. It calms my nerves and knocks me out, but if I am awakened while on this drug before it wears out, my consious mind remains in this fuzzy cloud of light and bliss and fairies etc...and each time I've taken a pill, for one reason or another, I've been awakened. As was the case last night.

The last thing I remeber after taking the pill was that I needed to call Brit and tell her I'm not comming. Then remebered something T said - Brit's friends are younger, wilder, and probably wouldn't miss me if I blew it off. I kicked back on the couch watching the Olympics and then faded out. I vaguely remeber hearing the phone ring, picking it up, *feeling warm and fuzzy, fairies dancing around* Brit on the other end yelling something. Don't know what she was yelling but she sounded pissed. Got her off the phone somehow, went to bed. Phone rang again, sis asking me if I'm okay (still feeling nice and warm and very groggy, but at least I could understand L). I told her I took a Risperdal and needed to go back to bed. Right b4 I hung up I heard her mention Brit, but don't remeber what she said. Then banging on the door awakens me, once again. I am still in a nice, light and fuzzy aura so I'm not ticked, as I would normally be in this situation. It's Brit (guess she called sis for my address). She was upset, but all I remeber is wrapping my arms around her and saying something whacked like "Oh Brit! Don't be sad, everything is wonderful!!!" or something like that. Oh gawd!

So, I wake around 9am feeling awesome, refreshed after a full night's sleep (something I haven't had in months). I got up to go to the bathroom, then decided to lay back down for a little bit longer. As soon as I flop back down, Brit walks into the room and over to the bed (found out later she crashed in the other room). The events of the previous night came back and I remebered that she had come by, but don't recall anything really after that. I have since thrown out the rest of my Risperdal, and will be calling my P for something a bit less potent on Monday. Brit climbed into the bed, kissed me on my forhead and started playing with my hair (some things never change I guess). For the first time I started looking at all of her ink, reading her body and all. Lots of symbols, a few do-overs, and played with some of her jewlery...started to get a bit too hot, so I jumped up and proposed we go get breakfast.

Got to IHOP just down the road. I was famished, so I devoured my pancakes and bacon. Brit just stared down at her plate while I ate and talked (or at least tried to talk with mouthfuls of food). I finally asked her what was her deal. She asked if I remebered anything I had said to her last night, on the phone or after she came over. Well, not really...She got up, threw some cash on the table, said she needed to get back home and make sure she had a house still standing (also found out she left her b-day party in full swing). Then she told me to tell T to go *word* herself...

I don't know what was said last night, but I feel awful. Mentally refreshed but awful at the same time. I just finished reading an email from Brit that she wrote I guess when she got home. Very personal, but I will say that I don't think anyone has ever felt anything about me the way she does. Even if she still thinks she's talking to the wild girl I was...I don't know what to do at this point. I want to call her but I don't. I want to pick up the phone when I see it's her calling but I don't. ~sigh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:07pm

Raj was prescribed Risperdal.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:08pm

(((((((Sadie)))))))


Well, that was an interesting experience.

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 6:25pm
man,some story......well,hmmmm only my two cents but ummmm???"freak" and tattoos....well I have mine ummm and well some to rebel,some because it is an adrenline rush,and well alot just because I am a creative person....Your friend may be young but well....maybe her comming and leaving her own party was a sign that she rather spend time with you then party the night away.I know if I saw any of my old crushes now ,some would be re-living but think I would realize that I had to get to know a new person also....and well she is young but well???age is a number????she maybe would be a little more mature then usual 21 year olds???I matured fast I think????Her wanting to sleep you for she has fantasized for years???well I think it was a good step she stayed in the other room,instead of taking advantage of you????maybe she is mixed up and really your relationship is one of a bond as sisters????I am only guessing...I think you are a smart lady sadie and you will firgure it out for yourself.....sorry about the ex problem and I wish the best for you and your son....have a great one,Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 6:10am
I never really thought about whether or not it was a good drug for me. I guess I'm a little too trusting, when my Pdoc says "here, take this", I just do without really reading the printouts describing what the drug is primarily used for. I have no complaints about the other medication I am on, so I figured she knew what she was doing when she gave me the Rip. I am only suppose to take it under extreme cases of anxiety, and really don't like to take it when I'm alone b/c of the confusion and disorientation it causes when I am on it. I guess I need to ask her if this is a normal reaction to this drug when I talk to her again...I fished the bottle out of the garbage just in case she is insistent that I still need them, but really hoping that she agrees with nurse on the Benadryl idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 6:23am
Living up to expectations is a concern weighing at the back of my mind, but really not at the top of my list...

I agree that this is merely an infatuation thing with her and should we pursue anything sexual, it would die out pretty quickly. I guess I don't need to worry about it right now, seeing as I am not looking for any kind of love interest right now - not until I get my own life together and all.

Thanks for the idea about the Benadryl. I thought that was for allergies, I don't really know much about meds, even the ones I'm on (which I'm sure everyone here knows by now lol).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 6:37am
I don't think the tattoos have anything to do with Trish's opinion. If so, then she has no room to talk. Not that T is covered from head to feet with art and piercings, but she's got her share. I really don't know what set off that red light with Trish regarding Brittany, but for whatever reason, I don't agree. She's not a freak and I got pretty offended when T called her that. But oh well. In some ways Brit is mature for her age. And I don't think I have a problem with her age really, but I would like to know...should she meet me on the street somewhere, never knowing me in childhood, would she even look at me twice? I don't think I could go into anything serious with her, having that thought pulling at the back of my mind all the time. I believe that this will turn into a nice big sis/little sis thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 8:36am

I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:14am

Benadryl is an antihistamine and is primarily used for allergies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:16am

How'd you get so smart Loubie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:45am
Who me?!

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