Part 2 (Very long, winded, etc)
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| Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:28pm |
Anyway, Thursday night (her actual b-day) was great, for the most part. I went into it with the intention of catching up on her life, and I'll admit I was curious about her. I never paid much attention to the little girl she was, but seeing the way she's matured and the direction she went really hit me. Hell, I didn't even realize that I reached out for her first at Target that day after realizing who she was until she told me, and I don't get why that means so much (she kept bringing it up all night)...I'm still trying to figure out also how she could remeber my voice after all of those years. She brought that up too, said she was standing dead still in the next isle, listening to me & T for a minute trying to determine if it was...then I raised my voice and let out an obscenity and she knew (lol, yeay me. that's how I'm remebered?). She described so many feelings that went through her, and when I reached out for her first she almost started to cry *yikes*.
I basically came to the conclusion that she wants to live out some sort of fantasy or something, that she remebers who I was and that I'm still that same person. I made it clear to her, without divulging too much info on my life, that I'm not. She said "Well, I'm not the same person either, except for one thing"...Yeah, she did have to remind me several times that she's not a little girl anymore - guess I reverted to "baby sitter" role a few times, though not intentional. At one point while I was driving, I came to a sudden stop and the right arm impulsively shot straight out and across her chest. I
grinned at her sheepishly and apologized, figuring she would blast me again for treating her like a baby. She grinned back but didn't say anything.
Personal conversation goes on for several hours before I remeber that it's a school night and call it an evening. Got direction to the party for Sat night and said our g'byes. Okay yes, we did kiss on the lips in the end.
Now to yesterday(saturday). Trish bailed on me. Remeber, she and I told Brit that we'd make an appearance. When I finally got ahold of T to find out what time she'd be ready, she was like "What? I'm not going to that. I was just being nice". On top of that, I had just had another very unpleasant dispute with ex hubby and a tearful visit with sweetfeets, so I was depressed as hell and on the verge of another anxiety attack. When I started arguing with T, she advised me that I would be stupid to go to this party myself. She went on to express her HOP that Brit is a freak now, probably her friends too, there might be drugs going around, and definitely alcohol. T didn't think I needed to be drinking while I was depressed - would only make it worse - and said if I needed to be around ppl to just go over to her place and hang with them. I agreed that I didn't need to be around alcohol, but also didn't want to go to her house either.
As I felt the anxiety attack getting worse, I took a Risperdal that was perscribed to me about a year ago. I've only taken it about 4 times before b/c the effect is extremely strong (at least with me it is). I think the last one I took was right after my car accident earlier this year. It calms my nerves and knocks me out, but if I am awakened while on this drug before it wears out, my consious mind remains in this fuzzy cloud of light and bliss and fairies etc...and each time I've taken a pill, for one reason or another, I've been awakened. As was the case last night.
The last thing I remeber after taking the pill was that I needed to call Brit and tell her I'm not comming. Then remebered something T said - Brit's friends are younger, wilder, and probably wouldn't miss me if I blew it off. I kicked back on the couch watching the Olympics and then faded out. I vaguely remeber hearing the phone ring, picking it up, *feeling warm and fuzzy, fairies dancing around* Brit on the other end yelling something. Don't know what she was yelling but she sounded pissed. Got her off the phone somehow, went to bed. Phone rang again, sis asking me if I'm okay (still feeling nice and warm and very groggy, but at least I could understand L). I told her I took a Risperdal and needed to go back to bed. Right b4 I hung up I heard her mention Brit, but don't remeber what she said. Then banging on the door awakens me, once again. I am still in a nice, light and fuzzy aura so I'm not ticked, as I would normally be in this situation. It's Brit (guess she called sis for my address). She was upset, but all I remeber is wrapping my arms around her and saying something whacked like "Oh Brit! Don't be sad, everything is wonderful!!!" or something like that. Oh gawd!
So, I wake around 9am feeling awesome, refreshed after a full night's sleep (something I haven't had in months). I got up to go to the bathroom, then decided to lay back down for a little bit longer. As soon as I flop back down, Brit walks into the room and over to the bed (found out later she crashed in the other room). The events of the previous night came back and I remebered that she had come by, but don't recall anything really after that. I have since thrown out the rest of my Risperdal, and will be calling my P for something a bit less potent on Monday. Brit climbed into the bed, kissed me on my forhead and started playing with my hair (some things never change I guess). For the first time I started looking at all of her ink, reading her body and all. Lots of symbols, a few do-overs, and played with some of her jewlery...started to get a bit too hot, so I jumped up and proposed we go get breakfast.
Got to IHOP just down the road. I was famished, so I devoured my pancakes and bacon. Brit just stared down at her plate while I ate and talked (or at least tried to talk with mouthfuls of food). I finally asked her what was her deal. She asked if I remebered anything I had said to her last night, on the phone or after she came over. Well, not really...She got up, threw some cash on the table, said she needed to get back home and make sure she had a house still standing (also found out she left her b-day party in full swing). Then she told me to tell T to go *word* herself...
I don't know what was said last night, but I feel awful. Mentally refreshed but awful at the same time. I just finished reading an email from Brit that she wrote I guess when she got home. Very personal, but I will say that I don't think anyone has ever felt anything about me the way she does. Even if she still thinks she's talking to the wild girl I was...I don't know what to do at this point. I want to call her but I don't. I want to pick up the phone when I see it's her calling but I don't. ~sigh.

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Raj was prescribed Risperdal.
Kim
Check out my
(((((((Sadie)))))))
Well, that was an interesting experience.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
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I agree that this is merely an infatuation thing with her and should we pursue anything sexual, it would die out pretty quickly. I guess I don't need to worry about it right now, seeing as I am not looking for any kind of love interest right now - not until I get my own life together and all.
Thanks for the idea about the Benadryl. I thought that was for allergies, I don't really know much about meds, even the ones I'm on (which I'm sure everyone here knows by now lol).
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I
Benadryl is an antihistamine and is primarily used for allergies.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
How'd you get so smart Loubie?
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
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