Part 2 (Very long, winded, etc)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Part 2 (Very long, winded, etc)
17
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:28pm
I posted the other night about not knowing how to explain what went on during my get-together w/ Brittany. I guess in a way I feel differently posting about her than I have with anyone else, maybe b/c I've known her since she was so young and I have a definite soft spot in my heart for her I dunno...I came here the other night wanting to let it out, but at the same time not wanting to - I know that may sound confusing, wierd maybe? If I seem two-faced, deciding to relay this story as it unfolds yet withholding my thoughts on some levels I apologize.

Anyway, Thursday night (her actual b-day) was great, for the most part. I went into it with the intention of catching up on her life, and I'll admit I was curious about her. I never paid much attention to the little girl she was, but seeing the way she's matured and the direction she went really hit me. Hell, I didn't even realize that I reached out for her first at Target that day after realizing who she was until she told me, and I don't get why that means so much (she kept bringing it up all night)...I'm still trying to figure out also how she could remeber my voice after all of those years. She brought that up too, said she was standing dead still in the next isle, listening to me & T for a minute trying to determine if it was...then I raised my voice and let out an obscenity and she knew (lol, yeay me. that's how I'm remebered?). She described so many feelings that went through her, and when I reached out for her first she almost started to cry *yikes*.

I basically came to the conclusion that she wants to live out some sort of fantasy or something, that she remebers who I was and that I'm still that same person. I made it clear to her, without divulging too much info on my life, that I'm not. She said "Well, I'm not the same person either, except for one thing"...Yeah, she did have to remind me several times that she's not a little girl anymore - guess I reverted to "baby sitter" role a few times, though not intentional. At one point while I was driving, I came to a sudden stop and the right arm impulsively shot straight out and across her chest. I

grinned at her sheepishly and apologized, figuring she would blast me again for treating her like a baby. She grinned back but didn't say anything.

Personal conversation goes on for several hours before I remeber that it's a school night and call it an evening. Got direction to the party for Sat night and said our g'byes. Okay yes, we did kiss on the lips in the end.

Now to yesterday(saturday). Trish bailed on me. Remeber, she and I told Brit that we'd make an appearance. When I finally got ahold of T to find out what time she'd be ready, she was like "What? I'm not going to that. I was just being nice". On top of that, I had just had another very unpleasant dispute with ex hubby and a tearful visit with sweetfeets, so I was depressed as hell and on the verge of another anxiety attack. When I started arguing with T, she advised me that I would be stupid to go to this party myself. She went on to express her HOP that Brit is a freak now, probably her friends too, there might be drugs going around, and definitely alcohol. T didn't think I needed to be drinking while I was depressed - would only make it worse - and said if I needed to be around ppl to just go over to her place and hang with them. I agreed that I didn't need to be around alcohol, but also didn't want to go to her house either.

As I felt the anxiety attack getting worse, I took a Risperdal that was perscribed to me about a year ago. I've only taken it about 4 times before b/c the effect is extremely strong (at least with me it is). I think the last one I took was right after my car accident earlier this year. It calms my nerves and knocks me out, but if I am awakened while on this drug before it wears out, my consious mind remains in this fuzzy cloud of light and bliss and fairies etc...and each time I've taken a pill, for one reason or another, I've been awakened. As was the case last night.

The last thing I remeber after taking the pill was that I needed to call Brit and tell her I'm not comming. Then remebered something T said - Brit's friends are younger, wilder, and probably wouldn't miss me if I blew it off. I kicked back on the couch watching the Olympics and then faded out. I vaguely remeber hearing the phone ring, picking it up, *feeling warm and fuzzy, fairies dancing around* Brit on the other end yelling something. Don't know what she was yelling but she sounded pissed. Got her off the phone somehow, went to bed. Phone rang again, sis asking me if I'm okay (still feeling nice and warm and very groggy, but at least I could understand L). I told her I took a Risperdal and needed to go back to bed. Right b4 I hung up I heard her mention Brit, but don't remeber what she said. Then banging on the door awakens me, once again. I am still in a nice, light and fuzzy aura so I'm not ticked, as I would normally be in this situation. It's Brit (guess she called sis for my address). She was upset, but all I remeber is wrapping my arms around her and saying something whacked like "Oh Brit! Don't be sad, everything is wonderful!!!" or something like that. Oh gawd!

So, I wake around 9am feeling awesome, refreshed after a full night's sleep (something I haven't had in months). I got up to go to the bathroom, then decided to lay back down for a little bit longer. As soon as I flop back down, Brit walks into the room and over to the bed (found out later she crashed in the other room). The events of the previous night came back and I remebered that she had come by, but don't recall anything really after that. I have since thrown out the rest of my Risperdal, and will be calling my P for something a bit less potent on Monday. Brit climbed into the bed, kissed me on my forhead and started playing with my hair (some things never change I guess). For the first time I started looking at all of her ink, reading her body and all. Lots of symbols, a few do-overs, and played with some of her jewlery...started to get a bit too hot, so I jumped up and proposed we go get breakfast.

Got to IHOP just down the road. I was famished, so I devoured my pancakes and bacon. Brit just stared down at her plate while I ate and talked (or at least tried to talk with mouthfuls of food). I finally asked her what was her deal. She asked if I remebered anything I had said to her last night, on the phone or after she came over. Well, not really...She got up, threw some cash on the table, said she needed to get back home and make sure she had a house still standing (also found out she left her b-day party in full swing). Then she told me to tell T to go *word* herself...

I don't know what was said last night, but I feel awful. Mentally refreshed but awful at the same time. I just finished reading an email from Brit that she wrote I guess when she got home. Very personal, but I will say that I don't think anyone has ever felt anything about me the way she does. Even if she still thinks she's talking to the wild girl I was...I don't know what to do at this point. I want to call her but I don't. I want to pick up the phone when I see it's her calling but I don't. ~sigh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 10:30am

(((((((((Sadie)))))))))) Sounds like a lot of confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. I hope you can get it all sorted out the best way possible.


And about the Benadryl ~ it really does help with sleep. Its one of the few things that has been able to cut through my worst bouts with insomnia so that I can sleep.


Hugs!


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:37am


Wow Sadie. That's some stuff. I can't speak for Brittany, but I think your friend was way out of line. Even though you were upset about your your argument with your ex and your sad visit with sweetfeets, you were very vulnerable.

I think you had every intention to go to Brittany's party, but I really think that you did the right thing about going home to rest.

When I read the part about Brittany coming over to see you, I was kind of hopeful, and when she came into your room and sat down on your bed, I was really hopeful. But, I was on Brittany's side, when she told you that Trish could go and TOS herself.

I really understand where Brittany was coming from, I wasn't too happy that she yelled at you, but she really must like/love you. But, I can appreciate your side too. You weren't feeling all that great, and at least you did have the best intentions. Oh, well. Maybe Brittany will come back to you and you two can talk a little more.

But hang in there.

Hugs.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 2:08pm
Wow! What an interesting story...

I think back to all the crushes I had growing up... on babysitters, swim teachers, etc. If I ran into one now... and found out she was actually gay- well, I'd probably go nuts!!! I don't know any of your background, so can't really advise, just wanted to tell you that it is interesting. Good luck!!!

Brownie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 12:01am
Okay, I finally answered the phone and let her speak her mind.

Yes, I would like to get to know the person she's become through friendship. She wants more than that, so we came to a compromise. We will be dating casually until we both figure out what we want. So, no more over-analyzing and boring long winded posts from me (promise).

xo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 12:12am
OOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK That sounds good..
We know your a level headed.. sweet person and will do what is best for you and Brit..
Keep in touch and (hey!) your posts were in no way boring!..
(((((Huggles))))"CAT"

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 8:42am
Hi sadie,

I hope things go well either way it turns out.

It does sound very interesting.

I think your friend Trish may have been a tad harsh in judging Britney.

Have you told Trish/ you sister about the casual thing or are you keeping it private.

Never worry about long windy posts. This is a good place for venting and getting things

off your mind. I have never thought anyone's post's are too long.

Well, best wishes to you. Hugs, Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 9:34am
Please don't stop the posts! I am really interested in how this all comes out. Since you have decided to date, does that mean you have some feelings for her too? I didn't get that before- just that you were glad to see her. Good luck!!

Brownie
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