New here, seeking support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
New here, seeking support
19
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 3:08am
I am a suburban homemaker/ mother of three who has been married to a man for ten years. I have been having an affair with one of my best friends, (a lesbian in a long term committed relationship,) for several months. I am completely in love with her and she with me, although everything is very complicated and messy. I had never been with a woman before, never even gave it a passing thought, (except for a crush on Angelina Jolie,) and considered myself a reasonably happily married straight woman.

The moment our relationship began, I felt like a whole world opened up to me that I never knew existed and I was forever altered by it. I have never felt more complete and whole in my entire life and can't imagine settling for anything less. My husband and I are ending our relationship, mostly for this reason and I am trying to find the courage to move forward through my life, whatever that brings me.

I have searched high and low trying to find some information that would give me some validation as to what I am going through. Mostly everything I read are stories of woman who always had some attraction to other women but denied it. I feel like I am the only woman in the world who went from being completely straight, to never wanting to be with another man, virtually overnight.

Is there anyone, anyone who can relate to what I am going through? My husband and my friends (the ones who are speaking to me,) all think that I have lost my mind. My therapist says that I don't really need to determine my sexual orientation at this time, but I feel like I do. I just really need to hear that I'll find my way through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Scarlett
my blog

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:37am

Hi Scarletter and welcome to the board! I tend to agree with your therapist, though I know that it is important to you and I can understand that. It can be very difficult to label ourselves. Especially when you've *always* felt one way, never expected anything else, and then boom! one day out of the blue it just hits you. Does the woman you are having a relationship with have any plans to leave her partner? Are you two planning on maintaining your relationship either way? Does your husband know why you are divorcing?

~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:43am
Hello,

Reading your post literally sent chills up my spine. It was like I was re-living my story all over again.

I am a mother of 3 girls, married 16 years and fell in love with my best friend of 10 years just 7 short months ago. Like you, a whole new world opened up to me once we realized how we felt about each other. She makes me feel things I thought were never possible. What I feel for her cannot even come close to what I have ever felt about any man I have been involved with. I have never found myself attracted to another woman before so these feelings were very confusing to me. I don't think I woke up one day gay. I am not much for labels. Everyone is way to quick to place lables on everything. I am in love with a woman. It is what it is!

It's a bittersweet place to be I'm afraid. One minute you are so incredibly happy and the next you realize how many people are going to be affected by the choices you may make.

I am very fortunate to have a supportive husband. He knew our marriage was over long ago and we have simply been going through the motions. The "other woman" was a shock but he took it quite well. I think he feels less threatened because it's a woman and not a man plus he has known her for the last 10 years.

I know what you mean when you say you feel alone. Most of the gay couples I know were "born that way", acccording to them ,so they can't relate to what I have been going through. MY partner and I have been having a hard time finding others like us. Most of the couples we meet either have no kids or have adopted.

I would love to talk to you and compare notes. It sounds like our situations are similar.

Take care.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:23am
Scarletter, Scarletter... relax, you're far from the only woman who dumped her man for a woman, LOL. I consider it a stroke of brilliance that I did so. I don't think I spent more than two minutes of my life thinking about the reason for falling in love with Phoebe. My divorce attorney said she's had many women recently "going female."

My advice... lose the need to determine your sexuality. What for? Really now, how often did you identify yourself as a HETERO to yourself or others?

After more than five years, I have never questioned my decision to go female! Enjoy your life as it is now... stop thinking about it so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:27am
You came to the right place to find people in your same situation. I am married to a man, we have a 15 year old daughter, and last April (only 5 short months ago) I fell in love with a woman. I didn't plan for this to happen, sometimes I even wish it didn't happen. I don't know how or when to tell my husband, I may never. We are divorcing, he moved out of our home, Jen moved in. He thinks I am just helping her out, like she needed a place to live. After living a straight life for 35 years and now living an alternative lifestyle for 5 months, I can clearly see that the traditional way was easier. BUT, I could never ever turn back. I love Jen, and we are happy. We are planning to move back to my hometown on the east coast. I came from a gay friendly community and currently live in a judgemental, closed- minded, bible belt town in the mid west. My daughter is ok with my choice to live as a lesbian, she is very mature for her age and has been exposed to many gay couples in her life since my sister is gay also. She only gets angry/jealous because she doesn't have me all to herself anymore. I try and spend as much time as I can with them both individually but I am only one person.

My point is, don't waste time trying to figure out what happened, just accept it because it did happen and there really is no turning back. Whenever I consider trying to put my life back the way it was I know its just because I am scared. He was my best friend and I have loved him for a long time, as a friend. I am going to hate having him out of my life completely. If I ignore my new feelings I know they will come back to haunt me. I just need to keep moving forward.

We can all get through this together, keep coming here, it's a wonderful place to be!

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:02am

Welcome to Lesbian Life Scarletter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:10am

(((((Babystr)))))


Good to see you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:12am

>My divorce attorney said she's had many women recently "going female."


ROFLMAO!


Well Jaydi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:37am
Hi Scarletter,

Welcome to a wonderful and supportive board.

I happen to be one of those who has always known I was attracted to women. The confusing thing for me was, I later fell for a man, then another woman then a man, and then all women.

I think the labels are okay if a person needs a way to identify to someone else or feels the need to have a label.

I also do not try to figure it out for myself which label I am. I just know that some souls connect deeper than others and maybe souls do not have sexual orientations, you know, maybe they are just in a certain body to use as a vehicle for getting around.

(I drive a Toyota, but I also would love to have a jeep) I never worry about wether I am a Toyota or a jeep person, you know?

I do think it is much deeper than just making a choice or being born that way or the way a person has been treated. As far as I know, there are just some things we may never have the answers to. The choice becomes whether or not we just accept what is.

Just be true to yourself.

I hope we see you around more often. I think you will like it here.

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:45am
Just wanted to say welcome and give you some (((hugs))). I didn't acknowledge my feelings for women until a couple of years ago. When I realized how strong the feelings were, I thought back to instances in my life and crushes that clearly indicated those feelings. I don't really

Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:46pm
Thanks to all of you for the support. I don't feel so alone now. My husband does know about my relationship as does her partner. He does know why we are divorcing; because I cannot agree to not be with her. He gave me the option if I wanted to say it was all a big mistake we could try to work on our relationship, but I can't do that. Not only would I be lying, I would be denying myself my hearts desire.

She and her partner are just now separating. Her partner really wants to work it out with her and doesn't understand how she could suddenly be in love with someone else. We don't understand it ourselves and are shocked that things turned out this way.

I know that I want to be with her but if I ultimately don't end up there, I do know that the changes that I am making in my life are in my best interest. There wasn't enough in my marriage to sustain me; I just didn't realize how much I was lacking in so many areas.

Thank you all again, I look forward to posting more and learning more. I'm so glad I'm not the only woman in the world who has a midlife crisis and an illicit lesbian affair!

Scarlett
my blog

Pages