New here, seeking support

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
New here, seeking support
19
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 3:08am
I am a suburban homemaker/ mother of three who has been married to a man for ten years. I have been having an affair with one of my best friends, (a lesbian in a long term committed relationship,) for several months. I am completely in love with her and she with me, although everything is very complicated and messy. I had never been with a woman before, never even gave it a passing thought, (except for a crush on Angelina Jolie,) and considered myself a reasonably happily married straight woman.

The moment our relationship began, I felt like a whole world opened up to me that I never knew existed and I was forever altered by it. I have never felt more complete and whole in my entire life and can't imagine settling for anything less. My husband and I are ending our relationship, mostly for this reason and I am trying to find the courage to move forward through my life, whatever that brings me.

I have searched high and low trying to find some information that would give me some validation as to what I am going through. Mostly everything I read are stories of woman who always had some attraction to other women but denied it. I feel like I am the only woman in the world who went from being completely straight, to never wanting to be with another man, virtually overnight.

Is there anyone, anyone who can relate to what I am going through? My husband and my friends (the ones who are speaking to me,) all think that I have lost my mind. My therapist says that I don't really need to determine my sexual orientation at this time, but I feel like I do. I just really need to hear that I'll find my way through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Scarlett
my blog

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:06pm

(((((Scarlett)))))


I'm looking forward to getting to know you better :o)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:09pm
HI! I don't believe I know EXACTLY what you are saying or if my situation helps you understand yours better.. But I can tell you that I left my life in Florida to join the Army at 27 after a divorce, a long relationship with my exhusband which lasted a total of 6 years. Once I arrived to Germany I was FREE in some way. I had just had a "fling" with a guy before I flew there and actually thought this guy was worth me coming back to when I was done with my tour. Needless to say, my roommate was/is a lesbian and then is when I said I could explore thoughts that maybe I had long before yet covered them up so well. I am a very femme looking woman and had many boyfriends in my day.. But here I met a woman and had my first lesbian encounter which was weird and ok. I didn't think much of it. Out of nowhere I was invited to a party where the host was a woman who swept me off my feet like no man had ever. Since that day I have never felt the same again. I am DEEPLY in love with her. Unfortunately she was deployed to Iraq. She'd be gone for a year and my batallion was getting ready to be deployed six months later which meant it would be at least 2 years before I saw her again. I KNEW she was the one! When you know and are certain of such feeling there is no doubt in your mind.. all you want is to hold onto what you searched all your life for and there I was getting out of the Army because I came forward being a homosexual. Now I only have 6 months left until I see her again. The pain I have caused my family and friends is huge, yet I for once am most happiest internally because I found the void I had, not knowing it was this.... My love is Angela, I miss her and even though people try to analyze what the heck is wrong with me.. I KNOW how I feel. I say just follow your heart. If you live your life to make other happy by following the norms of society in the long run you will end up devasted and regreting you never made your sould and heart happy. Good luck... If you ever want to chat, email me at Citagirl2004@yahoo.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:21pm
Scarlet.. Just wanted to extend my welcome

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:26pm
Hi and Welcome citagirl... You gave wonderful advice and hope you decide to come here more and get to know us..
***Smiles***"CAT"

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:07am

((((((((((Scarletter))))))))))))


I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better. I hope you will stay and continue posting

~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:05am

Wow Citagirl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:21pm
citagirl, mind if I ask more about "the pain you have caused my family and friends is huge...?"

*hugs* and welcome!


Edited 9/2/2004 9:26 pm ET ET by rayeellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:25pm
*hugs*

I agree with what all the others have said. What counts is the love you feel, not the reasons why... that sorts itself out with time. I've met plenty who never expected to find themselves in a relationship with another woman only to find they are. I'm going to find how that works and bottle it. ;-)

Hello and welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 9:32am

Hi citagirl, I just wanted to say welcome to the board and thanks for sharing your story. I hope we'll see you around here some more :)


Hugs!


~C

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