Weddings, Commitment Ceremonies, & more

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Weddings, Commitment Ceremonies, & more
14
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:54am

I've got a few questions that anyone who wants to can offer their thoughts on. That is, you don't have to currently be in a relationship, you don't even have to have had a relationship ever, I am just interested in everyone's opinions. Some of the questions will obviously be for those in or have been in a relationship, but some are just opinion questions.


1.) Are you currently in a committed relationship? If not, have you ever been?


2.) What are your thoughts on weddings (with some sort of religious person officiating, for example ~

~C

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 5:53pm
>>1.) Are you currently in a committed relationship? If not, have you ever been?<<

Beans whee! Um, not in a current relationship, but... made it 27 years, 7 months, of which 23 years 11 months were married.

>>2.) What are your thoughts on weddings (with some sort of religious person officiating, for example ~ a Unitarian minister) with or versus commitment ceremonies (no religious overtones of any sort, just a friends and family type thing)?<<

Whatever works for the partners. If someone wishes to marry, or wishes to do a commitment ceremony, have a minister, Justice of the Peace (scary thought, my ex is one) etc... what matters is what you both wish, not anyone else.

Story time... when Max and me were on our way to our nuttiness, we decided to have some fun doing so, but that was tempered by my attorney advising us we should have pics and stuff of the ceremony and any gathering afterward. Bummer, she was going to be in drag, which would have been pretty hard for her to pull off. And it would have meant me also being in drag, because the INS would not have not been understanding of my gender issues. Through in her in drag... they were ruining our fun! My sister's bil and sil had been following the raye ellen saga with more than mild interest (ya have to admit not every family suddenly finds it has a 49 year old tg dyke in their midst.) My niece blurted out that I was getting married again, which caused their jaws to drop. They asked to whom? and my sis signaled her to knock off the info sharing. Tam, catching on to that signal, simply answered "to Max" and they assumed Max was a guy. No one offered any more info, and my sis made arrangements with Max to meet them in drag. Of course, we never got that far, they would have fainted once they saw her, and there is no way I could have kept a straight face. My one regret was not spoofing them, would have been great sport!

>>3.) Since, in general, we *can't* legally marry, what does being married mean to you?<<

Ya mean anywhere in the US other than Sttesuhcassam? It means one way of two people committing to each other. All are valid, because it is what is in their hearts and minds.

>>4.) If your state made *traditional* marriage legal or even offered civil unions as an option, would that be something that you would want to do? Why or why not?<<

I've no plans to partner again, let alone marry someone. 27 years is plenty for one lifetime!

>>5.) What about jewelry? Do you believe in exchanging (have you exchanged, if partnered)jewelry as a sign of your commitment to one another? What do you use? (Rings, necklaces, ring on a chain, something else?)<<

We exchanged rings, and my eldest daughter now has mine. I know, boring answer, but... you are only limited by your imaginations.

>>6.) If yes to the above question, how did it come about that you decided to do that? Did one partner say something like I want a ring and you just decided to exchange rings? Was it something you always knew you would do? How did you decide to do it?<<

I'm easy. There was no formal proposal, a fact that ticked her dad off, but he got over it quickly. I got along well with her mom - until we announced our engagement, then I was a villain. My ex's aunt used to tease me about how I could do no wrong, then could do nothing right, then could do nothing wrong again. Wanna bet? My picture is on a bullseye now, I'd venture. Oh... we went to a local jewelry store and she picked out her ring. That would have been in summer 1977.

>>7.) If yes to #5, how did you actually do the exchange? Laying in bed one night? At a party or dinner in front of friends and family? How, when, where did you exchange your jewelry?<<

Bought them and exchanged at the wedding. Dopey me forgot the license, and we had to pay extra to get it on time.

>.8.) Do you celebrate an anniversary? How did you choose the date?<<

A long time ago in a land far far away. As for the date, we wished a fall wedding, people grumble about summer ones because they wish to be floating on boats and stuff. As it turned out, it was a beautiful day, in the high 70's, which was unusual for late October. Speaking of high... on the way there I was drinking tequila. When Terry came into the chapel, I took one look at her and knew she was seriously buzzed, because she turns red when she drinks. Speaking of chapels, I found out many years later than the goofy thing is actually a mausoleum... it is a beautiful building, and it is used for weddings all the time. When Ter told me that the people who donated the land for the town high school were buried underneath the building, I damn near gagged.

Aren't ya glad I answered?






Edited 9/2/2004 6:30 pm ET ET by rayeellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:39am
1.) Are you currently in a committed relationship? If not, have you ever been?

I've been living together with Phoebe for 5 years. Committed, I'm not sure right now; we're tying to be. She needed to go back to SC to take care of her ex, who is ill and won't be getting better. I understand that this is something she needs to do and wouldn't ask her to do otherwise, but I don't like it. She comes out here every two months for about 3 weeks; I visit her on occasion.

2.) What are your thoughts on weddings (with some sort of religious person officiating, for example ~ a Unitarian minister) with or versus commitment ceremonies (no religious overtones of any sort, just a friends and family type thing)?

No religious cermony for us. Maybe some day a family/friends ceremony.

3.) Since, in general, we *can't* legally marry, what does being married mean to you?

It means a great celebration and a romantic honeymoon, LOL, but not something I need to do to show my committment.

4.) If your state made *traditional* marriage legal or even offered civil unions as an option, would that be something that you would want to do? Why or why not?

Yes. For the rights and protection it offers.

5.) What about jewelry? Do you believe in exchanging (have you exchanged, if partnered)jewelry as a sign of your commitment to one another? What do you use? (Rings, necklaces, ring on a chain, something else?)

We have rings; I wouldn't call them committment rings though.

6.) If yes to the above question, how did it come about that you decided to do that? Did one partner say something like I want a ring and you just decided to exchange rings? Was it something you always knew you would do? How did you decide to do it?

She saw it and knew I'd like it.


7.) If yes to #5, how did you actually do the exchange? Laying in bed one night? At a party or dinner in front of friends and family? How, when, where did you exchange your jewelry?

Very romantically on Valentines Day last February... in a small Italian restaurant. I gave her the same one by mail.


8.) Do you celebrate an anniversary? How did you choose the date?

The day we said our electronic "I love you's"... March 3.

Anything else you want to share re: being partnered would be much appreciated. :) I'm feeling nosey ;-)

I like nosey. Even after five years, Phoebe and I are still taking it very slow. We have identified our problems, and we are working them out. A very slow process, but a necessary one... because "being in love" may be uplifting, but hardly the basis for a good, forever relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 9:27pm
Courtney,

I saw this question in Lesbian Issues and thought I'd repeat myself here....the beuaty of copy and paste!

My partner and I had a family wedding in May ( my mom likes to say we got committed ). Our families both came from out of state and we were married by an ordained minister in front of our family in a nice restaraunt where we held the reception. We did exchange rings ( and had engagement rings before that ) and wore matching black suits, me in an electric pink shirt and Donna, my partner in a bright purple shirt...and I had sparkly pink converse sneakers. Donna shiny purple converse sneakers and the minister wore black converse sneakers. I have the coolest picture of just our feet.

Even though marriage is not recognized in our state I completely feel married and commited. We will be completing papers through our attorney for power of attorney, wills and assorted papers we got through Lambda that will cover us in case any medical issues should arrise. We also own a home together and raise a teenage son.

For us the wedding was a great time but we both agree it made it real for our families, they treat us as a married couple now instead of just girlfriends.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 10:37pm
Okay, if it is alright with you, I'll share my experience of marriage with my exhusband. I have zero luck with women. Sorry.

1. No. Yes, I was married for 6 years to Bill.

2. I can take them or leave them. I'm really not a traditional person. Bill and I did have a church wedding. Back then, I was 18 and didn't really know myself. Now if I were to remarry, I wouldn't have a traditional type of wedding. I probably would skip a wedding.

3. Gosh. As one who has been in a heterosexual marriage, I always thought of marriage as a bidding agreement on a legal piece of paper. To be quite honest with you, I haven't a clue about a deep committed relationship. I married so very young that I really didn't know what I was getting into. My husband was 32 when he married me, so he knew more about himself than I knew about myself at the the time we married.

4. I'm more into the civil union for gays/lesbians. Marriage to me seems so heterosexual. I hope I don't get blasted on this board for feeling that way, but I do.

5. Bill and I exchanged rings. I think as long as the main focus isn't going so deeply in debt that you'll pay a lifetime on the item, exchanging a ring etc is fine. It is a symbol. Like I mentioned before, I'm not traditional.

6. Well, it was the expected thing.

7. We didn't exchange the rings. He proposed to me without the ring. I cannot remember when he proposed or how. OMG! I was really paying attention, huh. LOL

8. We chose August 12. Married Aug 12, 1989. I cannot remember why we chose that date. LOL

I cannot think of anything else to share. I hope it was okay that I described my heterosexual experience. I haven't any lesbian experiences to share.

take care,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

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