Just mulling over the facts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Just mulling over the facts...
12
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:10am
I've never admitted I liked women until recently, because before my life was complicated enough... I've been attracted to many women (lol, you know, i used to think EVERYONE was bisexual to a certain extent, it's whether they admit it to others or not -- I'm still not sure about this, I still think this is true, lol... but nv about that) I've only really fallen in love with one woman. I think, having this happen is what finally made me come out to myself. I think I should like to be with a woman, I think I would like to raise kids with her, I'm not sure if I'm thinking and feeling this way because I'm envisioning it ALL happening with just this ONE girl that I like/love... yes, love. I don't know if I want to continue this way, without her. Still, there's every chance because I still prefer how a woman feels as opposed to a man (physically, emotionally) I have no close gay friends I can confide in, at this point who can tell me what it's like out there, to build a family with a woman, to hold a family together, esp. Mayb I'm thinking too far ahead, lol but I am at that age... I have an inkling it's a bit harder, and why do I keep feeling I'm going to be biting off more than I can chew... (((LOL, this is NOT a personal ad, btw!!!) Just wanting to talk...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 10:08am

Well, building a family, straight or gay, is a big job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:06pm
I agree with NursePam. If women is what you really want then go for it. There is no shame in this. It is a free world sweetie, even though the government can not decide. LOL Go for your dream.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:16pm
*hugs*

We all find our way as we go. I know many who came out in the 30's, 40's, even 50's, and there is no road map. What matters is being true to you, fishing out what you feel, and giving it value. Some of us came out late, but hid in closets for what seems like forever. I was a closet dweller from age 6 to age 48.

Anyway... whilst we wonder about who we are inside, worrying over if this is right, or if we should do this, and what does this mean... don't beat yourself up... it will come to you. I can remember about a year ago sitting across from someone who left her husband at age 31 (3 years before) her path was certain, but just as certain was that there was no roadmap to being a dyke, no way of living, no way of acting... we are who we are and we are as everyone. My best advice: be you.

Finally, with regard to friends... they will come with time... and right now are only people you haven't met yet. This board is a great place to develop friendships, and if you can make the meet and greet in Chicago, all the better. This board is all about venting, and it is a great sounding board for your soul in self discovery.


Edited 9/8/2004 11:18 pm ET ET by rayeellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:38pm
Talk all you want hun, that's what we're here for. I also hope to raise another child one day with the right woman. Hopefully I'll get my head on straight in time to do that.

>>lol, you know, i used to think EVERYONE was bisexual to a certain extent, it's whether they admit it to others or not -- I'm still not sure about this, I still think this is true, lol... << *giggle* mee tooooooooo!!!!! lololol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:54am
heyyy ALL...

yeh, the fact that it seems harder kinds of scares me off sometimes, and i do want what's best for my kids. i've actually thought about marrying a man (i love), having kids by him and having a girlfriend (i love)as well... basically give my kids and I legal protection as a family, but i do know for a fact *threesomes* do not work for me. No matter how i may love these two person separately, i will inadvertently love one of them MORE than the other, and the other would know or guess, and then this would turn into a *foursome*... me, my husband, my girlfriend/wife, and... my guilt! Ughhh!!!! LOL...this can never be fair, this is SO OUT!!!

Whatever it is, I know these feelings are not going to go away so I might as well deal with it. I may not be with the woman I want right now, but I do not want to be unprepared when the next one comes along and whacks me off my feet, LOL. *whack* you’re never quite ready for it…

“I don’t think I’ll state it outright but if anyone asks I’m not going to deny it…” This is what I’d LIKE to say, but part of me is sooo chicken. Let me tell you what happened at the office the other day. There’s this guy in my office who exhibits lots of gay traits: lame wrist, emotionality (he cried at spiderman 2 and every other movie… sigh), and then says things like: “I have a girlfriend but if a cute guy comes along, I don’t mind having a boyfriend’ then he says he’s NOT GAY. I just want to wring his neck!

Me: You are SOOO gay!

Him: No, I’m not!

Me: Yes, you are, just because you have a girlfriend doesn’t mean you can’t be gay!

Him: I’m not gayyyy but you must be, because you keep talking about this!

(I do, I tease him about it once every other day)

Me: (Momentary silence, then loudly) I’m straight, I’m TOTALLY straight…

Lol, I couldn’t stand that he was so obviously gay but wouldn’t admit it, I’m so…

I’m not sure if I’d tell, but ppl will just know in time, I’m sure… they’ll go, what’s with her? She’s in her early-30’s, not ugly and seems not at all concerned about getting a boyfriend… hmmm…hmmm… lol, but it’ll be that, I won’t deny it if I’m asked, but when I’m ready.

I’d love to come for the meet in Chicago but I don’t even live in the States, so best I can do at the moment is wish y'all have a great time in there. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:18am
And talking about my 'homophobia'...

I have always said I was homophobic because I never wanted a gay woman to come close enough to me to trigger me off, knowing how easily that could happen...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 3:55am

I think, when the realization you're gay finally hits, there's just no sense denying it. You might want to go the safe route, marrying a guy to have the kids and all the protections.. but at what cost to your future happiness, to your sense of self? It can all come back to bite you. Having children will not mute those things you want for yourself..


Better instead to build your life with a true foundation.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 5:06am
you know what, i actually do agree with you, lol. no matter how i try to fight this, i'll end up in the same place as i was before - here. i'm panicking a little right now because it's all new to me, lol - but it will settle, like most things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 5:22am
48 years is an awful long time to be inside a closet.

alright, i'll just keep this in mind... stay true to who i am. there's a guy i know who's very, very successful in his field, young too (35years) to be that successful, gorgeous and as straight as a strand of afro hair, lol (and not denying) if being true to himself hasn't stood in his way, it shouldn't in mine, too right... so i'll keep him in mind too.

this is like jumping out of an aeroplane for me, rayeellen, lol.

having no road map can be such an adventure, or it can be a bit scary... but lots of women have done this, lots of women will be doing this, so I can, too... right? lol, yeh, i can.

alright, i've only come out to myself 5 months. No rush.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:37am
Unfortunately, none of this is easy, and it is a very emotional process. As we saw with Kim sharing her story of telling her sis, each time we share how we feel inside, and each time someone responds positively, there is this feeling of exhilaration... suddenly we wish to tell the world! It got that way with me, and in looking back that aspect of it is comical.

Follow your own pace... it isn't up to anyone else but you to decide how you feel and how you wish to deal with that, who you wish to share with. When I came out to my sis (the first person beyond my ex) I was at the point of feeling it had to be, the pressure from within was enormous. There were things we discussed that left me feeling how I felt inside, keeping it to myself, was getting in the way of our interaction. After agonising for a weekend, Monday morning I called. With my eldest daughter, circumstances led to me speaking up. She asked me a question, and the only way to answer it was to tell her I had issues, that she had done nothing wrong.

You will know what is right, your inner self will take control and guide you. I found fighting or ignoring that inner self is what caused me so many problems. Once we are in sync with it, the conflict within disappears.

Best wishes to you, and please feel free to rant and ramble and share as you wish!

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