Looks like I'm moving out . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Looks like I'm moving out . . .
58
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:15am
Dh had a revelation today in therapy. He can't function knowing that I'm still having a relationship with gf and thinks it best that I move out of the house. He says that he'll rent me an apartment until we can figure out the rest of the stuff, but that he is not able to function at work, etc. with all the heartache that he is enduring.

He told me last night that he was going to have to take another position at work due to his inability to work at the proper level, would probably lose his company car (brand new bmw,) and take a significant pay cut, (-about 40K.) His therapist told him that like it or not, it is his responsibility to financially care for his family and that he couldn't flush his career down the drain (thank God for her . . . )

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, but I just don't get it. I have supported his career and raised our children for eight years. I haven't built my career because we made a decision together to make the choice for me to be home with our three daughters. I can't go out tomorrow and get a job making what he makes because I sacrificed my career building for what we felt was best for our children.

Also . . . He had ten years to show me how much he loved and valued me and never did. I never felt like I was first in his life and never felt valued. He made me feel like I was just some very lucky girl to have him supporting me.

I am so sick of him and all of our friends feeling sorry for him and his terrible sorrow. Who was there for me all of those years when he treated me like crap? I found something in gf that I didn't know existed. I feel loved, connected, and valued for who I am and what I offer to the world.

Not even mentioning the fact that I now look back at my life and my relationship with women and say, oh . . . I get it now, I understand why I felt the way that I did; I must be a lesbian.

I don't know if I shared before, but I had never felt an attraction to another woman before, never even considered it. The night that I kissed gf for the first time, (now that's a good story . . . ) I felt like I was completely changed for the rest of my life.

I'm rambling. It's late. Just thought I would update.

Best to everyone, (my new understanding friends . . .)

Scarlet

Scarlett
my blog

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Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 7:14am

Scarlet,


My STBX was very much the same way, in thinking I wasnt entitled to anything because all I did for 14 years was stay home and raise our son.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:59am

Good luck to you! Hopefully with your newfound independence you can reclaim your identity as Scarlet, the woman, in addition to Scarlet, the wife and mother. Sending big hugs as you make this move into a new life.


Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:19am

(((((((Scarlet)))))))


Not to put too fine a point on it, but get a lawyer A.S.A.P.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:52am

Pam is right Scarlett... seek the advice of a lawyer before moving out... you could seriously weaken your position by leaving the family home.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:30pm
Scarlet, Do not leave without your children, and without speaking to a lawyer. In many cases you could remain in your current home, at his expense, until the girls graduate from high school. Stay strong, and be true to yourself. I am at a crossroads right now, and having a very dificult time "breaking away", I admire your courage and strength. I am afraid I am not as strong, and I am going to be sorry if I don't make things happen vs. waiting for things to happen. Thank you for posting here, while you seek help from these wise women - you are helping me. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:28pm
I am grateful for the advice. The plan is to rent me an apartment that I can take the girls and we'll continue to work our current parenting plan which is my taking care of them during the day, he takes care of them Tue/Thurs evenings, works from home every other Friday, and every other weekend. The only thing that should change is that he'll have to get them off to school on Wednesday and Friday mornings I guess. I don't know, we'll have to work that out.

As far as the order for support, I'm a little confused about this. We have seen a mediator to work out the details so far. We have an appointment on Monday with her again and I will address protecting myself in that way. I looked into hiring a private attorney and the retainer fee was $4,000.00. I don't have 4k lying around so I was hoping that we could work with the mediator for as long as possible.

On Tuesday, I opened up my own bank account and applied for my own Visa. We still have three joint accounts and I plan on going through info tomorrow and making copies of anything I think is important.

I know that if I file for divorce while in the house, I could have the judge order him out of the house, but I really don't want to go down that road. I know I may be being naive, but I really do think that we can work through this appropriately without getting hostile. If I did that; he would get hostile.

I will try to keep checking in with reality; I know this could get messy, I just don't want it to.

Scarlet

I plan on taking everything I want with me when I go.

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:00pm

It sounds as though you have thought this through and are taking good steps to protect yourself and your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:33pm

(((((( Scarlet ))))))


The sage ladies here gave me most of the same advice they gave you when I left my STBX ( I have no kids - that's the difference ). Getting a lawyer was the best advice I was given, and it has made my life so much easier.


Many tight, warm huggles of support to you and the kids,

"Kitty Cat Rules"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:22am
Probably a good thing for bothe you and dh. I am sure it is hard on both of you.

I hope that it goes well. Maybe it will give you and g/f a chance to spend some quality time together as well.

Are you taking the kids? Sounds to me like he might be if he is keeping the house.

Maybe this will give you good quality time to decide what you will do as far as school and work etc.

I wish you all the luck.

Laurie

Ps. I do believe you have earned things. I know that a stay at home spouse has to sacrifice so much and has to start from scratch when out on their own.

Don't let anyone tell you that you do not deserve anything. DH would not have his school and career if you did not sacrifice yours.
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 3:11am

This is going to sound just a bit off topic, but what the heck, you're getting my two cents too...


My ex got really mean and vindictive as soon as he found a girlfriend. His machismo came back with a vengeance. He had to be sort of sneaky about it because he was

 

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