Looks like I'm moving out . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Looks like I'm moving out . . .
58
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:15am
Dh had a revelation today in therapy. He can't function knowing that I'm still having a relationship with gf and thinks it best that I move out of the house. He says that he'll rent me an apartment until we can figure out the rest of the stuff, but that he is not able to function at work, etc. with all the heartache that he is enduring.

He told me last night that he was going to have to take another position at work due to his inability to work at the proper level, would probably lose his company car (brand new bmw,) and take a significant pay cut, (-about 40K.) His therapist told him that like it or not, it is his responsibility to financially care for his family and that he couldn't flush his career down the drain (thank God for her . . . )

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, but I just don't get it. I have supported his career and raised our children for eight years. I haven't built my career because we made a decision together to make the choice for me to be home with our three daughters. I can't go out tomorrow and get a job making what he makes because I sacrificed my career building for what we felt was best for our children.

Also . . . He had ten years to show me how much he loved and valued me and never did. I never felt like I was first in his life and never felt valued. He made me feel like I was just some very lucky girl to have him supporting me.

I am so sick of him and all of our friends feeling sorry for him and his terrible sorrow. Who was there for me all of those years when he treated me like crap? I found something in gf that I didn't know existed. I feel loved, connected, and valued for who I am and what I offer to the world.

Not even mentioning the fact that I now look back at my life and my relationship with women and say, oh . . . I get it now, I understand why I felt the way that I did; I must be a lesbian.

I don't know if I shared before, but I had never felt an attraction to another woman before, never even considered it. The night that I kissed gf for the first time, (now that's a good story . . . ) I felt like I was completely changed for the rest of my life.

I'm rambling. It's late. Just thought I would update.

Best to everyone, (my new understanding friends . . .)

Scarlet

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:47am
Yay for you! I obtained my attorney through GLAD so that my issues would not be used against me. She was absolutely wonderful, and we managed to settle without court involvement. Best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:51am
I understand what you are saying, and agree with most... just as Ter's life was being turned upside down. Still, some of what she said about his lack of caring etc, does leave some of this on him. I know with us most of the blame was with me, but her reaction and handling of things left me feeling she deserved some of it. I don't know the whole story here, and just hope that it settles quickly and with as little negativity as possible, given the children. I still think it is easier for him to move than it is for her, given 3 kids who must be uprooted, and perhaps a way can be found to work that out.


Edited 9/11/2004 12:55 am ET ET by rayeellen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:53am
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ms. kitty}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 2:13am
Of course I understand that he feels like his life is being screwed up and I do feel sorry for him on many levels. I know that he thinks that I don't care about anyone but myself and that's why I'm doing this but that's just not true.

I know that my kids are going to have a rough time; but a huge part of me that brought me here was wondering how hard of a time my kids were going to have with my staying in a very patronizing, verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship with someone who had little regard, respect or admiration for me.

So many times I have looked at my life and wondered, "what the hell am I doing here and how on earth did I end up like this?" I could have gone on living a lie, continued to be depressed and un-fulfilled and then looked back at my life and wondered, "what did I do with my life?"

The whole time that I was carrying on the "secret" affair with gf, I was trying to figure all of that out, what it meant to me and what I was to do with the feelings that I had. It wasn't my intention to destroy everyone's lives, I just wanted to figure out what I should do with the information.

I don't think that I'm a terrible person for falling in love with someone else. The only thing that I regret is hurting other people in the process and I do have to live with that for the rest of my life. But even if things don't work out with gf, I feel like I found out so much about myself that I didn't know. I want a mutually respectful relationship that is equal and loving; that is not what I had in my marriage.

Re: homestead states. I live in Oregon, where it's not a homestead state but, a married person cannot buy or sell their property without the consent of their spouse, (except if I were incapacitated in some way and then we have a durable power of attorney to allow that.) I wouldn't even be able to buy another house until we were divorced.

It's also a community property, no-fault divorce state and is pretty cut and dry when it comes to things like this. I know that we made a choice together for me to stay home with our kids, it was a sacrifice that I made for them, (all of them, including dh, who wouldn't have been able to work the hours that he worked, traveled as much as he did, etc. without my support at home.)

Re: Him leaving. He wouldn't even think of it. I think he would see it as a huge defeat and would never consider it.

I do appreciate the feedback and I'm sorry if I sounded heartless, but it does get old being portrayed as a thoughtless, immoral bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself.

Scarlet

Scarlett
my blog

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:30am

>>I want a mutually respectful relationship that is equal and loving; that is not what I had in my marriage. <<


To me that is reason enough to end things whether there was "another woman" or not.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:18am
Jaydi, I don't understand why you just said this? No one mentioned a lack of sympathy for her husband, he just isn't the issue. If he wants support he can go seek it like Scarlet did. I am sure she already knows he is hurting, and cares that he is. I am also sure she is aware that cheating is bad, we all do. What was your point? No good could come from it, unless of course her husband was reading these posts. It shocked me to hear you address his issues when she came here looking for friends. I don't want to start trouble, but I think it was careless of you to say what you said. I just don't know why you did it. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:44am

(((((((Sandra)))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:04pm
((((((Sandra))))) You are very sweet to stick up for me; but it's really okay. Believe me, I've had to deal with everyone in my life thinking that I've totally lost my mind and how could I possibly do this to everyone around me? I'm getting pretty used to being berated on a regular basis. (One of my friends called me yesterday to say that she wishes I could go get electric shock therapy and "snap out of it," my dh says that he wishes I would be struck by a lightening bolt to get me "back into reality," etc, etc.)

I know that I can't defend the "cheating" part, but I also know that I'm not the only person in the world who's ever had an extra-marital affair. (I think the statistics are 70% of men and 50% of women cheat on their spouses.) This of course doesn't make it right, it just makes it kind of the norm.

I've always held myself to very high standards and hold (held) a very prominent place in my community. I know this is hard on everyone, but it's equally as hard on me to have my life turned topsy-turvey as well. This came out of no where, and here I am with everything different. Throughout it all, I've listened to my heart and let it guide me, and that meant letting it guide me to love someone else, despite the commitments and the promises that I made.

I DO appreciate all of the support that you all have given me. You have been the only validation that I have in my life, (besides gf and my shrink.)

People are entitled to their opinions and I don't mind hearing them. It's really okay.

Love and hugs to you,

Scarlet

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:14pm
Scarletter, I'm not questioning what you did... heck, I did something similar. I just cringe that everybody assumes your ex is going to screw you just because he wants you out of the house, or that you don't seem to understand why friends are sympathetic to your husband. It's because he is the one that is hurting, not you.

For the kids' sake, try to understand that some of the anger he expresses is because he's hurting. Anger and bitterness are natural reactions, ones that you would have if he was leaving you for another woman... and screwing up your marriage and kids.

And you know Scarletter... staying home with your kids was NOT a sacrifice; I did it for 15 years. And yes, you CAN earn the money he does... you're just going to have to work your bootie off for the next 5 years to do so. You seem like an intelligent woman... so I know you can do it. Spend less time being overwhelmed; decide on a career and get going on it, my dear girl. Start your new life with your love and glory in it all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:23pm
And... you gave everything up because you knew Terri was hurting, and probably, to prevent further conflict. Are you suggesting Scarletter to that?