Looks like I'm moving out . . .
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| Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:15am |
He told me last night that he was going to have to take another position at work due to his inability to work at the proper level, would probably lose his company car (brand new bmw,) and take a significant pay cut, (-about 40K.) His therapist told him that like it or not, it is his responsibility to financially care for his family and that he couldn't flush his career down the drain (thank God for her . . . )
I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, but I just don't get it. I have supported his career and raised our children for eight years. I haven't built my career because we made a decision together to make the choice for me to be home with our three daughters. I can't go out tomorrow and get a job making what he makes because I sacrificed my career building for what we felt was best for our children.
Also . . . He had ten years to show me how much he loved and valued me and never did. I never felt like I was first in his life and never felt valued. He made me feel like I was just some very lucky girl to have him supporting me.
I am so sick of him and all of our friends feeling sorry for him and his terrible sorrow. Who was there for me all of those years when he treated me like crap? I found something in gf that I didn't know existed. I feel loved, connected, and valued for who I am and what I offer to the world.
Not even mentioning the fact that I now look back at my life and my relationship with women and say, oh . . . I get it now, I understand why I felt the way that I did; I must be a lesbian.
I don't know if I shared before, but I had never felt an attraction to another woman before, never even considered it. The night that I kissed gf for the first time, (now that's a good story . . . ) I felt like I was completely changed for the rest of my life.
I'm rambling. It's late. Just thought I would update.
Best to everyone, (my new understanding friends . . .)
Scarlet

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Edited 9/11/2004 12:55 am ET ET by rayeellen
I know that my kids are going to have a rough time; but a huge part of me that brought me here was wondering how hard of a time my kids were going to have with my staying in a very patronizing, verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship with someone who had little regard, respect or admiration for me.
So many times I have looked at my life and wondered, "what the hell am I doing here and how on earth did I end up like this?" I could have gone on living a lie, continued to be depressed and un-fulfilled and then looked back at my life and wondered, "what did I do with my life?"
The whole time that I was carrying on the "secret" affair with gf, I was trying to figure all of that out, what it meant to me and what I was to do with the feelings that I had. It wasn't my intention to destroy everyone's lives, I just wanted to figure out what I should do with the information.
I don't think that I'm a terrible person for falling in love with someone else. The only thing that I regret is hurting other people in the process and I do have to live with that for the rest of my life. But even if things don't work out with gf, I feel like I found out so much about myself that I didn't know. I want a mutually respectful relationship that is equal and loving; that is not what I had in my marriage.
Re: homestead states. I live in Oregon, where it's not a homestead state but, a married person cannot buy or sell their property without the consent of their spouse, (except if I were incapacitated in some way and then we have a durable power of attorney to allow that.) I wouldn't even be able to buy another house until we were divorced.
It's also a community property, no-fault divorce state and is pretty cut and dry when it comes to things like this. I know that we made a choice together for me to stay home with our kids, it was a sacrifice that I made for them, (all of them, including dh, who wouldn't have been able to work the hours that he worked, traveled as much as he did, etc. without my support at home.)
Re: Him leaving. He wouldn't even think of it. I think he would see it as a huge defeat and would never consider it.
I do appreciate the feedback and I'm sorry if I sounded heartless, but it does get old being portrayed as a thoughtless, immoral bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself.
Scarlet
Scarlett
my blog
>>I want a mutually respectful relationship that is equal and loving; that is not what I had in my marriage. <<
To me that is reason enough to end things whether there was "another woman" or not.
*hugs ~ Caly
Sandr
(((((((Sandra)))))))
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
I know that I can't defend the "cheating" part, but I also know that I'm not the only person in the world who's ever had an extra-marital affair. (I think the statistics are 70% of men and 50% of women cheat on their spouses.) This of course doesn't make it right, it just makes it kind of the norm.
I've always held myself to very high standards and hold (held) a very prominent place in my community. I know this is hard on everyone, but it's equally as hard on me to have my life turned topsy-turvey as well. This came out of no where, and here I am with everything different. Throughout it all, I've listened to my heart and let it guide me, and that meant letting it guide me to love someone else, despite the commitments and the promises that I made.
I DO appreciate all of the support that you all have given me. You have been the only validation that I have in my life, (besides gf and my shrink.)
People are entitled to their opinions and I don't mind hearing them. It's really okay.
Love and hugs to you,
Scarlet
Scarlett
my blog
For the kids' sake, try to understand that some of the anger he expresses is because he's hurting. Anger and bitterness are natural reactions, ones that you would have if he was leaving you for another woman... and screwing up your marriage and kids.
And you know Scarletter... staying home with your kids was NOT a sacrifice; I did it for 15 years. And yes, you CAN earn the money he does... you're just going to have to work your bootie off for the next 5 years to do so. You seem like an intelligent woman... so I know you can do it. Spend less time being overwhelmed; decide on a career and get going on it, my dear girl. Start your new life with your love and glory in it all!
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