Looks like I'm moving out . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Looks like I'm moving out . . .
58
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:15am
Dh had a revelation today in therapy. He can't function knowing that I'm still having a relationship with gf and thinks it best that I move out of the house. He says that he'll rent me an apartment until we can figure out the rest of the stuff, but that he is not able to function at work, etc. with all the heartache that he is enduring.

He told me last night that he was going to have to take another position at work due to his inability to work at the proper level, would probably lose his company car (brand new bmw,) and take a significant pay cut, (-about 40K.) His therapist told him that like it or not, it is his responsibility to financially care for his family and that he couldn't flush his career down the drain (thank God for her . . . )

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, but I just don't get it. I have supported his career and raised our children for eight years. I haven't built my career because we made a decision together to make the choice for me to be home with our three daughters. I can't go out tomorrow and get a job making what he makes because I sacrificed my career building for what we felt was best for our children.

Also . . . He had ten years to show me how much he loved and valued me and never did. I never felt like I was first in his life and never felt valued. He made me feel like I was just some very lucky girl to have him supporting me.

I am so sick of him and all of our friends feeling sorry for him and his terrible sorrow. Who was there for me all of those years when he treated me like crap? I found something in gf that I didn't know existed. I feel loved, connected, and valued for who I am and what I offer to the world.

Not even mentioning the fact that I now look back at my life and my relationship with women and say, oh . . . I get it now, I understand why I felt the way that I did; I must be a lesbian.

I don't know if I shared before, but I had never felt an attraction to another woman before, never even considered it. The night that I kissed gf for the first time, (now that's a good story . . . ) I felt like I was completely changed for the rest of my life.

I'm rambling. It's late. Just thought I would update.

Best to everyone, (my new understanding friends . . .)

Scarlet

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:36pm
Of course Pam, she should protect herself, if she needs protecting. I'm not sure she does, just because her husband wants her out of the house. I think she should be the one to go, quite frankly. She is the one that wants the new life, in fact, has one, so I don't think it's unusual for her to go.

I find attorneys complicate things. My ex did not have one; he used mine. I REALLY had to control my attorney from trying to screw him. She was a little peeved when I said I didn't want any spousal support. To me, that wouldn't have been fair when I was the one who wanted to leave for another woman... and then make him support ME? Don't think so.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I truly think it's not divorce that screws up kids, it's bitterness and anger between the couple... and a lot of that is from working out the divorce settlement, with attorneys.

If they can work it out, FAIRLY, without bringing in two attorneys... that would be ideal, especially for the kids. If Scarletter truly thinks he's trying to screw her, yes, by all means, get attorneys... and battle on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:07pm

Believe it or not Jaydi, I agree with you on many, many points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:57pm

One of the things I really appreciated about my attorney is that she wasn't about going for the jugular.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:28pm
>>And... you gave everything up because you knew Terri was hurting, and probably, to prevent further conflict. Are you suggesting Scarletter to that?<<

Nope... could never suggest my path to another. It just was what I wished to do. Lots of guilt with this one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 2:52pm
Sandra... as I've said in other posts, I DO support her. LOL, I have to, I dumped my husband too.

Sometimes though, by giving too much support, we sometimes encourage bad choices. I will sometimes try to balance that out, and honestly, if someone is just coming here for support and not advice, I'm sure they'll ignore my posts, as they should.

I understand everybody wanting to jump on the "protect yourself" bandwagon when it comes to property, etc., but I'm not sure that her husband had evil intentions just because he wants her out of the house; although, I don't know that. I'm reversing the scenario; if my husband was cheating on me and wanted a divorce, I'd want him out too. I left our house because I was cheating, and I KNEW it would hurt my husband, something I wasn't particularly proud of and something I felt guilty about, no matter how big of an a-hole he was. Again, as I've said in another post, I'd be very careful about taking the attorney route. I'd explore other options first if at all possible. I don't think the battling attorneys route is in the best interest of the kids.

Sandra... I'm not judging scarletter, how could I possibly do that when I've been in her shoes and have made some of the same choices? I'm just conveying some of my experiences that may help her in making her choices in the next few months... just a reminder to see the big picture... not just hers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:25pm
I agree with both you and Kim re: needing to protect your interests; of course you have to. However, what concerned me, and maybe I misread the posts (but I'm too lazy to go back and look), but everybody seemed to jump on the "protection" bandwagon based on the fact that hubby wanted her out of the house and wasn't doing well at work. Everybody immediatley thought he was up to something, and I'm just saying... the guy may really, really be hurting. I know my ex was devastated, even though he asked for the divorce first and I just took him up on his offer.

Hubby is going to be bitter (as he freakin' should) and that is going to manifest in some of his actions. I think it's wise to know that comes from hurt and it's better not to react in kind, whether it be on the advice of an attorney or online friends.

All through my divorce, I ALWAYS kept in mind that I hurt someone very, very much. Did I allow myself to get cheated? No... but I was very, very fair. There would be no way I would demand spousal support, when it was my choice to leave. Who cares that I could under the law. When I left him, I left his money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:21pm

(((((Jaydi)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 5:18pm
I feel compelled to say something here, though I know you know Pam... this is for the benefit of others.

jaydi is a dear friend. I respect her opinion and her judgement. She will speak her mind, and far more often than not she is right on target. She also happens to be a sweetheart, a very very nice person. I've spent a couple of days last year with her and her partner, and it was a very enjoyable time (except when she was singing.) I'm writing this because I wish to avoid misunderstanding over what has been said... jaydi has offered up added explanation, though her initial words seemed fine to me.

I've been this route, been through a nasty breakup, and my personal choice was to leave most all of it so long as I had joint custody of my daughter. Everything else can be replaced. Yet I will not advocate this to anyone else, on the surface it is dumb to do. My reason for doing so was because of the little one, and a personal aversion to fighting.

Anyway... jaydi is a friend, and when she offers up advice, I (usually) listen.

*hugs* to everyone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 7:28pm
rofl, had read that... which is why I put the qualifier up front. Excuse my typing, I have to set with my leg elevated, it is swollen like a pumpkin right now.