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| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:58pm |
Well.
Here's the thing.
I can't do graduate school.
It is not for me. I have been absolutely miserable. I can't sleep. I cry all the time. I have no motivation for anything. I can't focus. Its just gotten really bad. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther. I would sink so low every time I had to go back to Radford. Part of it was leaving here, leaving Kim and Amanda. But the bigger part of it was going there. I hate my job. With a passion. I hate school. The pressure to get published and present at national conferences is intense. Especially for the GA's. They want us in one of the national journals by next spring and presenting next fall. I can't do that. It doesn't interest me. At all. The work really isn't all that hard, there's a LOT of it, but its not so hard. It just bores me to tears. I've always been much more interested in application of the law than the theory and cause behind it. And different graduate schools have different emphases. Where I did my undergrad was very much application focused, and since I had friends in that grad program, I saw what it was like all the time, I even took a grad level class there ~ and loved it, and that's what I was expecting here. Radford isn't a BAD school, per se, its just a bad fit for me. Their entire basis is in criminological theory and research methods of current theories. I hate that stuff. Add to that, the only purpose for getting a master's in criminal justice is to use it as a building block for getting your PhD. Which is at least 4 more years of the same crap. And I know I can't do that. I know it. It would be enough to send me over the edge.
So.
I've decided not to see this through to completion. Kim and I have been talking about it quite a bit the past few days. And I finally emailed one of my former professors, a lady who I count as one of my closest friends and best mentor/advisor, and I told her how miserable I was. And I told her what I felt like I should do and what I wanted to do. And she agreed with me. So I've decided to go to law school. I'm going to take the LSAT very soon, so if need be, I can take it again. I'm going to apply to a couple of different law school around here and see where I can get in at. I'm going to finish the semester here, and probably the whole year too. We'll see. I'm not certain about spring semester yet. My goal is a fall enrollment at UVA Law. Just having made the decision to not finish this has done wonders for me. I'm already feeling a lot better.
But at the same time, in some ways, I feel like such a failure. Have you ever been in a position where you have worked soooo long and so hard to really reach a goal that you want more than anything, only to finally get there and realize its not at all what you really want? That's where I am now. I think back over my time as an undergrad, when I always knew that I wanted grad school to be my next step. I think back over the past year especially. Its been almost exactly a year since the injury/surgery and I think about all the tears and pain and effort and time I put in last fall, making sure that nothing stood in the way of graduate school. I remember semesters of 24 credit hours, working 4 jobs, making sure to keep my GPA up. I remember the ansticipation/excitement/nervousness of applying to different graduate programs, waiting on GRE results, waiting always waiting to find out if I got in, if I got my assistantship. And getting accepted. I was so happy. So excited. But now I'm here. I have everything I ever dreamed of. And I hate it. And

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Well Courtney.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Courtney}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Know that we will support you in anything and everything, on whatever path you feel is best suited for you. I do know the feeling, I built a business from scratch only to find that it did not match the person let loose from the closet. It's painful to have struggled mightily, achieved, and then walk away... our endings are different, but I do understand.
Follow your heart... you are young, and you are gifted. Happiness in life is what matters, doing things we don't enjoy just for achievement is a mistake for most. You are no failure, ms. courtney, far from it. You are in fact wise beyond your years.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Courtney}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}... just 'cause.
How much better for you that you figured this out sooner rather than later! There's nothing wrong with the discovery that this graduate school isn't for you. After all, how were you to know till you got there, right?
Yes, you worked really hard.. and it isn't what you had anticipated.. but look at what you've learned about yourself and your abilities in the meantime. Superwoman Court, overcoming all adversity to get where she wants to be. Hold your head up woman, you're no failure.
*hugs* ~ Nony
But at the same time, in some ways, I feel like such a failure. Have you ever been in a position where you have worked soooo long and so hard to really reach a goal that you want more than anything, only to finally get there and realize its not at all what you really want?
You know what, Court? How can ANYone really know what they want until they reach the point of arrival? If we didn't have goals, dreams, aims, we would never have the motivation to achieve anything, to progress and move forwards. We ALL need something ahead of us, something to fuel us, you know?
Instead of thinking about this as discovering what you don't want, why not see it as a realisation about what you DO want? It sounds to me like you have made an extremely positive decision, hon. That's not failure at all! In fact, it has taken you FAR more courage to make the decision to change your tack at this point. It would be criminal indeed (excuse the pun
Courtney,
I have no additional words of wisdom to add to what these wonderful women have said but I agree 10,000 % YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!
There is only one failure in this world and that is the failure to try. And you certainly did that!
*hugs ~ Caly
(((((( Court ))))))
You ARE NOT a failure !!! You have to be one of the brightest people I know. Well, graduate school wasn't you ...but Law School ?!? I am so proud of you ! You go with your heart hunny, whatever feels right for YOU.
Ever think of taking some time off just for Court ? Not a looong time, maybe a semester ? Hunny, you have been on nonstop for way too long. You deserve some Kim, Amanda, Court, and Vickie's time.
Huggles & love you,
Robin
**Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**
I can feel your pain partly because right now I'm in a major that I wish I could change. I have interest in it, but the job market is awful in regard to IT. And, outsourcing to other countries is happening more and more now. I wonder now if I'll even be able to find a job after I graduate. My real love is writing. However, where I live there aren't any colleges offering journalism as a major.
We do have a 2+2 program where I live offered by several surrounding colleges and universities such as Gardner-Webb, App State, Western Carolina, and East Carolina. You take the first two years at a community college and finish up your last two years at the 4 year institution. Even commonly known Associate's degree credits can fully transfer. You don't have to be in a pre-major program to qualify.
But, you know what that means? Two more years where I'm living. And, that doesn't excite me too much. I may have to do that because the IT job market is so awful. How can I possibly compete with BA or MA jobless applicants? And, how can any of us Americans compete with outsourcing to other countries? I mean, some corporation may hire me over a Bachelor's or Master's job candidate, but it would only be because they were looking to cut costs and pay me less.
Looking back, I sometimes wish I had majored in something medical. But, that doesn't mean I cannot go back for a medical major later. Sometimes in life, you just have to change directions. It doesn't mean you are wrong or giving up, it just means that you realize the direction you are going in isn't suitable.
BTW, I was told that because I only lack 4 classes to graduate that I cannot transfer to another community college and graduate from another community college. Like for example- moving to another area and finishing up my schooling elsewhere. I wonder if this is true? I was told this by my community college. And, I wonder why that is? I mean, I know that I only have 4 classes left, but I thought college credit was college credit. H'mm...
Take care,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Having said that though, I truly think failure is given a bad rap. I always encouraged my kids to do things they would fail at or at least not be the best, especially my overachieving, perfectionist daughter. Like making them take drama, run for school government, take water polo, sing for show 'n tell; all sorts of crazy things. Why? 1) so they learn life goes on after failure, 2) to expose them to an activity or life experience (whether it was a good one or a learning one is probably debatable, lol), and 3) so they don't have a fear of failure and will continue to try new things throughout their life.
It sounds like you're celebrating, or at least accepting your newly found awareness... good for you!
Sandr
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