Ch---Ch---Ch---Changes!
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:58pm |
Well.
Here's the thing.
I can't do graduate school.
It is not for me. I have been absolutely miserable. I can't sleep. I cry all the time. I have no motivation for anything. I can't focus. Its just gotten really bad. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther. I would sink so low every time I had to go back to Radford. Part of it was leaving here, leaving Kim and Amanda. But the bigger part of it was going there. I hate my job. With a passion. I hate school. The pressure to get published and present at national conferences is intense. Especially for the GA's. They want us in one of the national journals by next spring and presenting next fall. I can't do that. It doesn't interest me. At all. The work really isn't all that hard, there's a LOT of it, but its not so hard. It just bores me to tears. I've always been much more interested in application of the law than the theory and cause behind it. And different graduate schools have different emphases. Where I did my undergrad was very much application focused, and since I had friends in that grad program, I saw what it was like all the time, I even took a grad level class there ~ and loved it, and that's what I was expecting here. Radford isn't a BAD school, per se, its just a bad fit for me. Their entire basis is in criminological theory and research methods of current theories. I hate that stuff. Add to that, the only purpose for getting a master's in criminal justice is to use it as a building block for getting your PhD. Which is at least 4 more years of the same crap. And I know I can't do that. I know it. It would be enough to send me over the edge.
So.
I've decided not to see this through to completion. Kim and I have been talking about it quite a bit the past few days. And I finally emailed one of my former professors, a lady who I count as one of my closest friends and best mentor/advisor, and I told her how miserable I was. And I told her what I felt like I should do and what I wanted to do. And she agreed with me. So I've decided to go to law school. I'm going to take the LSAT very soon, so if need be, I can take it again. I'm going to apply to a couple of different law school around here and see where I can get in at. I'm going to finish the semester here, and probably the whole year too. We'll see. I'm not certain about spring semester yet. My goal is a fall enrollment at UVA Law. Just having made the decision to not finish this has done wonders for me. I'm already feeling a lot better.
But at the same time, in some ways, I feel like such a failure. Have you ever been in a position where you have worked soooo long and so hard to really reach a goal that you want more than anything, only to finally get there and realize its not at all what you really want? That's where I am now. I think back over my time as an undergrad, when I always knew that I wanted grad school to be my next step. I think back over the past year especially. Its been almost exactly a year since the injury/surgery and I think about all the tears and pain and effort and time I put in last fall, making sure that nothing stood in the way of graduate school. I remember semesters of 24 credit hours, working 4 jobs, making sure to keep my GPA up. I remember the ansticipation/excitement/nervousness of applying to different graduate programs, waiting on GRE results, waiting always waiting to find out if I got in, if I got my assistantship. And getting accepted. I was so happy. So excited. But now I'm here. I have everything I ever dreamed of. And I hate it. And

Pages
Sandr
Bug,
CVCC has two IT openings:
Kim
Check out my
Court, you are NOT a failure.
Kim
Check out my
(((((((((((((Court)))))))))))))) I can't add to anything that hasn't already been said.
~ ML ~![]()
Hey Courtney, you did what you thought was right. You sometimes have to make decisions for yourself that will benefit you in the long run. Believe me, you're not a failure by a long shot. Look at what you've accomplished? Very impressive indeed.
I can understand that when you get to where you want to be, you suddenly realize that you don't want it anymore, because you have gained enough information about what you want and don't want.
So, keep doing what you're doing and all will turn out well.
Hugs.
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
After a lot of hard work and sacrifice and 9 years in the Navy and far away from home in order to be able to afford school. I new it just was not what I thought it would be. It was a huge relief when I decided to quit and do something else.
The thing is, you are not a failure, you just sometimes come to one of those forks in the road and have to choose the one you prefer to travel.
Everything you have done so far will only add to what you choose to do next.
We grow and we change and that is okay.
Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be a comedian. Suddenly one day I just started to get very homesick and each day on the road made me cry.
I had to step back and spend sometime at home. I still have not figured it all out except that I still love doing comedy, I love the laughs and applause. I can still do this without to much travel and maybe get a writing job again.
Be true to yourself, that will make you a success.
Best of luck, Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
You know, where I work Kim, I don't do one particular job, which leaves me with a low self esteem. I do our web site, however, I'm not able to do just web work. I do queries in the AS400, web work, some graphics, installing some hardware, answering software questions, overseeing an Ebay store, answering customer service calls because we cannot keep a full staff even in a bad economy (sigh), web maintenance in the AS400 (we have an IBM server), and the list goes on and on- trust me! I feel like I'm not strong in one area because I'm too busy doing everything under the sun. I have some experience with Dreamweaver, Fireworks, Photoshop, and FrontPage. I have cascading style sheets pretty much understood. As a matter of a fact, our top menu and left menu is completely controlled by an external css file. There aren't any graphics for the menus, which saves download time. But, I don't feel completely strong in one area, you know?
Give you an example, last week, a guy called in. Here is what he said to the customer service rep:
caller: "I need to speak with someone in your marketing department."
customer service: "That would be one of our IS people, let me transfer you."
caller: "No, you don't understand. I need to speak to marketing."
customer service: " Yes, sir. Our IS handles the web and marketing."
caller: "No, I don't need IS. This isn't related to computers. I need marketing. Or, I'll speak to your graphic artist."
customer service: "Yes sir, our IS handles the graphics."
The guy gets mad and hangs up. We joked about that forever. Yes, I'm IS/Customer Service/ Weedeater/Shipping/the list goes on. LOL
I do all the graphics except for what our sister company produces. I'm not an artist. I'm more of a layout person. I can turned several photos into an ad with a jingle. But, I can't draw. I have drawn stuff like sales tags or simple stuff in Illustrator, but that's about it. Like for example, once I did a layout on Milk Paint. I put a cow on the ad and added the jingle..."You don't get the cow, but you do get 10%."
I do have a game plan. I would like to get my A+ certification before the year is out or at least by early next year. I think with a certification, I'll develop a bit more confidence in my abilities. It will show that at least, that I am certified.
Thanks for your advice. Sorry for the long message. Virginia scares me--too much snow. Oh, my community college is CVCC. Catawba Valley Community College. Isn't that cool?
Take care,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Too much snow?
Kim
Check out my
Pages