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| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:58pm |
Well.
Here's the thing.
I can't do graduate school.
It is not for me. I have been absolutely miserable. I can't sleep. I cry all the time. I have no motivation for anything. I can't focus. Its just gotten really bad. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther. I would sink so low every time I had to go back to Radford. Part of it was leaving here, leaving Kim and Amanda. But the bigger part of it was going there. I hate my job. With a passion. I hate school. The pressure to get published and present at national conferences is intense. Especially for the GA's. They want us in one of the national journals by next spring and presenting next fall. I can't do that. It doesn't interest me. At all. The work really isn't all that hard, there's a LOT of it, but its not so hard. It just bores me to tears. I've always been much more interested in application of the law than the theory and cause behind it. And different graduate schools have different emphases. Where I did my undergrad was very much application focused, and since I had friends in that grad program, I saw what it was like all the time, I even took a grad level class there ~ and loved it, and that's what I was expecting here. Radford isn't a BAD school, per se, its just a bad fit for me. Their entire basis is in criminological theory and research methods of current theories. I hate that stuff. Add to that, the only purpose for getting a master's in criminal justice is to use it as a building block for getting your PhD. Which is at least 4 more years of the same crap. And I know I can't do that. I know it. It would be enough to send me over the edge.
So.
I've decided not to see this through to completion. Kim and I have been talking about it quite a bit the past few days. And I finally emailed one of my former professors, a lady who I count as one of my closest friends and best mentor/advisor, and I told her how miserable I was. And I told her what I felt like I should do and what I wanted to do. And she agreed with me. So I've decided to go to law school. I'm going to take the LSAT very soon, so if need be, I can take it again. I'm going to apply to a couple of different law school around here and see where I can get in at. I'm going to finish the semester here, and probably the whole year too. We'll see. I'm not certain about spring semester yet. My goal is a fall enrollment at UVA Law. Just having made the decision to not finish this has done wonders for me. I'm already feeling a lot better.
But at the same time, in some ways, I feel like such a failure. Have you ever been in a position where you have worked soooo long and so hard to really reach a goal that you want more than anything, only to finally get there and realize its not at all what you really want? That's where I am now. I think back over my time as an undergrad, when I always knew that I wanted grad school to be my next step. I think back over the past year especially. Its been almost exactly a year since the injury/surgery and I think about all the tears and pain and effort and time I put in last fall, making sure that nothing stood in the way of graduate school. I remember semesters of 24 credit hours, working 4 jobs, making sure to keep my GPA up. I remember the ansticipation/excitement/nervousness of applying to different graduate programs, waiting on GRE results, waiting always waiting to find out if I got in, if I got my assistantship. And getting accepted. I was so happy. So excited. But now I'm here. I have everything I ever dreamed of. And I hate it. And

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(Not to change the subject. FWIW, RJ, I agree with Kimmie... methinks seriously contemplating her words would be a wise course to take.)
shuddup, raye.
Yes, I do fear moving off to a place and not knowing anyone. IRL, I'm a shy and quiet person. I don't make friends quickly. I'm an introvert who can only handle so much of people time, then I need my own time alone. People tend to drain my battery so to speak. It is quite common for introverts to feel drained after being around people for an extended period of time. I'm talking more about crowds of people. However, I couldn't handle someone like a partner being up in my world 24/7 either. I fear being somewhere new and not knowing anyone. I fear needing someone that I don't yet know well enough or don't yet trust enough.
If all that equals wimp, then so be it. At least I'm honest enough to admit my fears rather than attempt to paint everyone a scenery of fallacies.
Take care,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
I can be tough at times though. I ran 6 miles yesterday. Broke my own record. Because, I'm thinking that maybe I'm not fearless, but I'm tough. I can take physcial pain. I can endure under the pressure of being tired and yet finish the 6th mile. But, maybe that type of tough isn't what I need to be.
Not that I have to explain anything to anyone here. I questioned my advisor on the credits and graduating from another community college because I feared not getting the classes I needed to graduate. NC is still hurting economically and that sometimes trickles down to the community colleges, which equals less classes offered. If the college wasn't offering the classes I needed for the next two upcoming semesters(which should be all I have left), I had planned on getting my education elsewhere. Otherwise, if the community college was offering the classes I needed, I decided to finish up where I am. Why? It is simpler that. Why move right now? Furthermore, I don't have a resume together, because my plan wasn't to start job hunting until after graduation. I actually have a plan believe it or not.
I don't feel like I fit in with other lesbians. I obviously don't fit in or I would be willing to move wherever, whenever, and not fear it a bit. Or perhaps, I wouldn't fear at all. Well, that's not me. I have fears. I can't be this all knowing not fearless person. I've never been that and never will be that. So, I think that I should rethink me thinking I'm gay.
All I know is that where I currently live, I have someone to call if I needed someone. I don't know that I like the thought of being somewhere in which I have no one to call. This is why I have considered FL so heavily because I have family there.
I guess if I were gay that wouldn't bother me. I would be willing to move anywhere and not need a soul. I think I'm too much of a wimp to be gay.
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Sandr
(((((( rj ))))))
Hunny ... sexuality & fears, IMHO, have nothing to do with each other. I am a bi woman ( more towards Lesbian ) and I have fears up the ying-yang. They have nothing to do with who I choose to sleep with or have a relationship with. I
Robin
**Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**
The strength within is strength we are all too frequently shocked to find exists. Usually it happens not of our free will, but because we've no choice... like being tossed in a pool with two choices: sink or swim. We all can swim, but not all do, be it because of panic, or a refusal to believe we can.
It's easy to sit on the other side of the fence that once seemed impossible to cross over and tell those on the other side "you can do it!" What else can we do? We can't help you cross it, for that will not lead you to find the strength you need to go forward... and that strength will be needed for many other things. One cannot rely on others to help them over every fence, sooner or later we have to learn how to do so for ourselves.
The strength is within you. Kim knows this. So do we all who have crossed. We have faith you can do it, even as you deny you can. We all denied it at one time, said we could never do it. How many of us were in marriages, had children even... it is incredibly tough to be honest and say this is not me, and it does not work. I did this after 27 years, 7 months with another. I see your struggles, and think back to this and other iV lgbt boards not too awfully long ago. Another host that left before your appearance here would push me and challenge me and I'd always have this "I can't do it!" mentality... and she'd basically say "yeah... you can. But I won't do it for you, because it will do you no good. If you don't wish to do it, I'm not going to waste my time trying to coax you. If you are willing to do it... I'll be here to lean on and to listen. I wish you could see how it all evolved, because it was so like this.
I'd fear what the community would say. Or my family. My ex. My clients. How I would be perceived. What would happen to me. I was safe playing on the boards. Here I could be me, free to share how my feelings and thoughts. A vicarious life. My inner self would push me closer to the fence, and there would be marks where my feet were dragging, resisting the movement. Little by little I gained strength, albeit not knowing I was. And one day it all exploded. When the dust cleared... how the hell did that happen? I was on the other side of the fence. With each person I came out to the strength increased. And it goes beyond being gay... the fence crossing for me was a distinct point in time 1 April, 2002... and yeah, the date is fitting! Anyway... on 5 April, 2002... four of us flew to Baltimore. I don't know if any of you know hobbit, but she had an overcoming fears board then, and I'd post there about my flying issues. Scared silly of flying, even though I had many times. One time we bounced down the tarmac at SFO and it left me scared silly. Yet on that early April day in 2002, on our way to see the Sox and Orioles... surprisingly found my fear of flying had disappeared, a side effect of what had happened four days earlier. I had crossed the biggest fence in my life then, and no longer was going to live in fear - of anything.
You can do it, rj. We can't help you over, but we can provide a shoulder for you, be here to listen and comfort when you try things and don't quite make it. We will also be here for when you try and do. If you don't wish to do something, nothing we say or do can change that... and it would be a mistake to do it based on our words. One is ready to cross when they are prepared to deal with the consequences of crossing - good and bad. When you can say "hit me with everything you've got, I'll still be standing, because I am stronger than what you can throw at me!" you are ready to cross. That strength can only come from within... not without.
*hugs* again!
Edited 9/12/2004 12:19 pm ET ET by rayeellen
I guess if I were gay that wouldn't bother me.
I would be willing to move anywhere and not
need a soul. I think I'm too much of a wimp
to be gay.
That's total BULL Bug.
Kim
Check out my
RJ, Listen to Kim, she is very wise. Big smooch to you too! Sandra
Sandr
"The only true failure, is the person who fails to try."
So... fail on, girly!
Geeze rj, come on. I think I have to agree with Kim here.
You are really missing the message here.
I have read your posts and I know many times you have stated that you have no friends there etc.
Kim is just trying to help with giving you some good advice. That is the nice thing about this board.
Maybe you can go back and read Kim's posts with an open mind.
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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