Losing it all

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Losing it all
39
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:04am
Well I think I have finally hit rock bottom. Jen moved out the other day because my daughter and her could not get along. I take that back, my daughter would not get along. Then yesterday my daughter springs it on me that she is going to live with her father. After 15 years of devotion and unconditional love, this is the love I get in return. Words cannot express the pain in my heart. I had my daughter when I was 19, raised her alone until she was 4, met my husband and he adopted her when she was 5. She is going to stay with him. He is never even home, she will not be ok. I don't know where I am going to go or what I am going to do. I don't even remember who I was before I had her, she is my whole identity. I gave up Jen, my only happiness, and lost everything and everyone else too. I don't know what I expect you all to say I just needed to tell someone. I better go figure out where to go from here. I figure I have 2 choices, I can live or die. I created my destiny, so I guess I had this coming. Sandra

Sandr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:08am

(((((((((((Sandra))))))))))) I am so, so sorry, and please don't think this is all your fault. You found your happiness in Jen, and I really hope you two can salvage things. I know it's all incredibly painful now but in time I'm sure things will settle down and you can figure out a way to fit everything back into your life. Please hang in there and know that we are all here for you.


Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:23am

{{{{{{{Sandra}}}}}}}


I am so sorry it has come to this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:54am
sandralea,

I am so sorry.

I think this is wrong of your daughter. My younger sister used this form of punishment on our Mom when she divorced our Dad and started to date. We were in highschool then.

She finally came to her senses, but it took a few years.

I'll say what you do not want to say. I think DD is being very selfish. She is young and feels she has the right to tell you how to live since she is the DD. Wrong!

She should go live with Dad until she can learn that she does not run the adult's life. When did she last pay the bills?

Sounds to me like she needs time away to deal with things in her way and maybe it is best for both of you.

I hate to sound so harsh.

I think you should try to salvage things with Jen. Now you two have time to really have some privacy.

I think DD will come around in time. (When she wants money perhaps) Ouch! That's cold I know, but I have a problem when kids do not allow their parents to be human.

My sister, during her "I'll show you" phase towards my mom made everyone miserable.

Tell her you love her no matter what or how long she needs to punish you and that your door is always open if she decides she would like to make up.

I hope it all works out for you and do not harm yourself over an emotional teenager. It is a phase they and we all grow out of eventually. (At least most do.)

Hugs,

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:19am

Sandra,<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:33am
Jen and I still want to be together although at this point I question our relationship too. How can I love and be with someone when my daughter hates her? Am I the best choice for Jen, after all I am 17 years older than her? What was I thinking????? It is very difficult for me to "forgive" my daughter for hurting me so badly, I am angry that she is acting like a selfish, spoiled little girl. I know this was difficult for her, and I take full responsibility, I still can't change the fact that I am resentful. This was honestly the first thing I asked for in 15 years. I lived for her and did what I thought was best for her. In the process I gave her nothing to look up to, no one to model after. I know I need to find myself, and work on me, but what do you do when you don't want to do that? I liked being her mom, I didn't mind giving up myself to devote my life to her. With every year that passed I worried about losing her to college, or marriage, or whatever she decided. I didn't think she would leave me before her 16th birthday. I anticipated empty nest syndrome long before it was meant to happen, and now the time has come. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:36am
Laurie, I know you are right it's just so so hard. As much as I would love and cherish the time with Jen, it will only provide my daughter with the ammunition she needs to insult me further. If I go live with Jen, which is what we would like to do, my daughter would tell everyone she stayed with her Dad because I moved in with my young girlfriend. Then, I am the bad guy. Thanks for your kind words. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:38am
Ting, Thank you for your support and sympathy, I need it. I appreciate you, and everyone here. I am so grateful to have people to talk to. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:43am
Kim, I agree. I think she see's her Dad as stable, safe, and steady. She sees me as irrational, irratic, and unstable. I know he will take good care of her, it just hurts to admit he is the better parent. I gave birth to her, he adopted her at 5 years old. We were a team, I didn't think anything would ever come between us. I handled all of this very badly and I don't know how to fix it. Things have been said between us that will stay with us forever and there's no way to erase the hateful words. My Dad always told me that words are like a bullet from a gun, once they are out you can't take them back and they could kill someone. He is so right. We can recover from this, but it will never be the same, that is a terrible loss to me. Thanks for everything, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 1:27pm


Sandra, I have an idea of what you're going through. But try to give the relationship with Jen another go. As we've suggested before, age shouldn't be a factor if you love someone and want to be with them. Of course, you should spend some time with yourself to get to know yourself. I know how it feels to have your parent(s) change the rules on you and not give you forwarning. But, understand, You are the parent, not your daughter.

Well, that was just my two cents,

Mulitple Hugs.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 1:35pm
Thank you. I don't feel like the parent, she has always been in control. Hindsight is 20/20. I would feel very selfish if I continued a relationship with Jen. I want to but my loss is so great right now, I don't know how to feel anything but sadness and grief. Jen deserves better, she has done nothing but bring me happiness. Sandra

Sandr

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