Losing it all

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Losing it all
39
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:04am
Well I think I have finally hit rock bottom. Jen moved out the other day because my daughter and her could not get along. I take that back, my daughter would not get along. Then yesterday my daughter springs it on me that she is going to live with her father. After 15 years of devotion and unconditional love, this is the love I get in return. Words cannot express the pain in my heart. I had my daughter when I was 19, raised her alone until she was 4, met my husband and he adopted her when she was 5. She is going to stay with him. He is never even home, she will not be ok. I don't know where I am going to go or what I am going to do. I don't even remember who I was before I had her, she is my whole identity. I gave up Jen, my only happiness, and lost everything and everyone else too. I don't know what I expect you all to say I just needed to tell someone. I better go figure out where to go from here. I figure I have 2 choices, I can live or die. I created my destiny, so I guess I had this coming. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 6:06pm

Hi Sandra,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:05pm
"For, if you've taken for granted all these years that things will "stay the same" in your relationship with your daughter and that most basic of relationships changes, how could you NOT worry, question and wonder about every other thing in life right now?"

I don't think I will be able to trust again for a long, long, long time. Not fair to Jen is it?

"We also sensed that it was important that they get to know me a bit as "Mom's friend" first."

My daughter only saw us act as friends, Jen and I did not even hold hands in her presence. Jen was my friend, anything my daughter thought she knew about us was fabricated in her head.

I have more to say about what you said but I am having daughter interference and need to tend to her.....be back later

Love and thanks, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:13pm

(((((( Sandra )))))))


My heart aches for you hunny. I can't add to anything any of our great friends have told you ( I can't put 2 thoughts together right now - meds

Robin

 **Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**   

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:22pm
Robin, I am thinking of you also,I hope you feel better. I know what you can do for me.....send me your drugs! Just teasing, that would make me not only the worst mother in the world but a drug addict too! Lets' not give my sweet daughter anything else to hold against me! Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:34pm

Hi and ((((Hugs Sandra))))))) I think you have gotton much wonderful advice from your friends out here..
I am sorry you are hurting and I can understand that pain..
Our babies are just that.. (our babies) but I have to agree with Alisha that she needs to learn from the choice she made..
Loving her and being her Mom means telling her you love her but not allowing her to control you with these choices..
Tell her you are there for her, that you don't really feel the same as her about her choice to move with her Dad... and that you'll miss her but,


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:49pm
Sandra,

I am thinking back to the good ol' days, when I was just a pimply teenager.



If I could have found an excuse to go live with dad who was never home, heck yes, I would go. I am thinking partyyyyyy!

Remember when we were teens? We thought we knew everything. We would make irrational spontanious decisions based on emotions and what reactions we hoped we would get. It mostly had to do with, how can I get what I want when I want it. Everything is so magnified as a teen. We go through some weird changes as teenagers.

I think the teen years are a period of time when we are like butterflies, coming out of our cacoons only now we become a catapiller. Yes, a catapiller that eats holes in everything, causing devastation to everything in it's path before turning into a beautiful adult.

A teenager is somewhere between human and worm. Only other teenagers can understand teenagers. That's the way it has always been. Don't you remember?

It was not untill I graduated from highschool that the skin shed from my eyes like a snake, and suddenly I saw my parents in a new light.

I guess I am trying to say that as kids/teens, our mom's are these people who have no feelings but for us. They are robots that gave us life and now they owe us for bringing us into this world, and they will be punished if they so much as show a human side to anyone else, because then the teen may lose some power and control. To a teen it is all about self, self, self.

It is not right it is just teen years. It cannot be helped. I think the best you can do is sit and talk with her and ask her to remember this when she metamorphisis into a human again.

Sigh, so much for a walk down memory lane.

Big hugs,

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:56pm
This is what I have been going thru with my 17 yr old son. Hang in there sweetie. If your daughter is leaving maybe there is a reason to get back together with your g/f? My son came up for the month of August from FL. Sent me thru hell all over again. I need money for this, I need money for that. I want to live up here when I become 18 but I want to move to far eastern NY with a guy I met. I told him no way unless he is working and bringing money in. If he wasn't I would kick him out. He is due for a rude awakening. Hello, you are 18, time to grow up. Kids can be so demanding and we as mothers can only go so far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:50pm
Thank you very much. You are right, you are all right. I am getting so much strength from you all. I can't thank you enough....

Jen and my daughter had a blast together, then my daughter started locking herself in her room (I fixed that, after Jen left I took the door off!) My daughter said she thought I spent too much time with only Jen and no alone time with her. I made every attempt to correct that. If my daughter stayed up until midnight, Jen and my time began then. I never pushed her away, I always included her in everything. Jen sat by, ignored and patiently, becasue she understood. Jen took insults from my daughter about her weight, her appearance, etc..my daughter acted like she was superior and I told her that was unacceptable. I told my daughter that she can't treat ANYONE like that, not even a stranger on the street. That led to,"you always take her side". I couldn't win. The day Jen left my daughter came straight out and said "get out of my house" they ended up F-you-ing eachother in my living room and I took my daughter out for a short drive. When I got home Jen was packing. Through my tears, I apologized, and Jen's sister came and picked her up. It was heartbreaking.

I have issues with Jen's age, I have from day one. I know the odds are against us, I know I will be judged and ridiculed. I am ready and willing to take what the evil, heartless world has to offer. Jen and I will be over when one of us decides that, not a minute sooner.

Well, thanks again, I appreciate you all. Love and thanks, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:55pm
Laurie, I hated my teen years and I would never want to go back to that time in my life. I hated everyone, including myself. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? When she became a teenager and began her egocentric stage, I told her it would be a roller coaster ride. I told her to hang on and we could make it through. When she got her first boyfriend I said congratulations and you have my sympathy. When they broke up she understood why I said it. I love my little girl, and always will. She is killing me, but I love her. love and thanks again, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:57pm
I feel for you, I anticipate many calls from her when she needs something, I am preparing for that. Its like we just can't win but we have to play.....thanks for your support, Sandra

Sandr