I broken promice,
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I broken promice,
| Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:22pm |
Thanks for all the hugs, good vibes, and Angles sent my way, to both Lori and I. The way I feel, acted, lets give them to Lori, she deserves them. I won't go into details, most of you know I was inhumenly abused as a child. My grandparents where my only excape visiting them ,a 8 hour drive, eight hours away from the abuse, every summer. My Omma knew of my mothers abuse, but not of the from the preist. ( I think) to make a lomg story short, before she died I promiced 3 things, I would forgive myself for my sisters death ( another story/post), I would not blame myself, and I would never hide my pain with drugs/booze. I dont drink. So when I bought the case of 24 beer, it hit me hard, just what I was hoping for, it killed the pain. I was/am alone, I hid my car keys, and these last to days.......I descraced my Omma's memery, put Lori through and I feel not only pain from deprasion, but I feel ohhh so dirty. There is no way I can let Lori in this filth. I love her to much for that.Do I go to school, or try again, I will not have Lori see me like this.
Edited 9/18/2004 12:51 pm ET ET by oceanwaves2003
Edited 9/18/2004 12:51 pm ET ET by oceanwaves2003

Sandr
(((((( Sandy & Lori ))))))
Sweetheart, you did not disgrace your Omma. She loves you for your soul, not your actions. We had a similar 'childhood' and my Gramma was my saving grace. She was/is the most beautiful caring lady I will ever know. I miss her everyday.
Robin
**Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**
Give yourself a chance and get some help. You are more than welcome to e-mail me through my profile if you wish.
Gentle hugs.
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Kathy
Thanks ladies for the supportive words/hugs/thoughts for my sweetie... I guess you can see she isn't in a place where she can easily accept anything good but the fact that you all care warms my heart!
To my baby... I know you are in a very dark place. I can't erase the darkness--I'm not that powerful--lol. But I CAN and am willing to help you navigate the path! I've also been in that place of feeling undeserving of hugs, kindness and caring but your words are not true in my eyes and the eyes of those that care---you DO deserve those hugs--just as any one of us would and does when we hurt! Yes, you slipped. Yes, you absolutely TERRIFIED me beyond any fear I've ever known and you also worried these friends of ours here but that doesn't make you "dirty" or unworthy of caring and getting up and trying again! Becka and your grandparents would want that and we BOTH know that to be true! As for me going there? Well, you know my feelings on that. I'm more than willing to be by your side---just as I've been through so many other life stressors. But as I said earlier in an email to you, I can't force my presence upon you--although your
I hope that you will realize that you do not have to keep punishing yourself. I know it is hard.
You do deserve good things and good people in your life.
The little Sandy that was so hurt in childhood is and was still a good person and deserves so much better. And so does the adult Sandy. We do not need to keep abusing ourselves just because that is what we went through as children. The adults who abuse us as children are sick and they are wrong. Nobody deserves to be punished like that, by abuse. Not as a child and not as an adult. For some reason we decide to punish ourselves in the worst way as adults because we grew up thinking that we were bad enough to be abused.
I am so glad that I have gotten help and that my sweet gf did not leave me when I needed her the most. Yes I tried to push her away thinking neither she nor I deserved this relationship. I believed she could do much better than me.
I even went so far as trying to commit suicide to punish myself once and for all. Before I did it well enough to need to be hospitalized I made some practice runs and shut myself off from everyone to think about it on my own and try to talk myself into it. Because there was that little piece of me that still had fear of suicide.
I really have to believe that you are at a very dangerous and desperate place in your life right now. If you keep shutting down your feelings and punishing yourself you will end up trying to kill yourself if you have not come close all ready.
I believe you have been giving it alot of thought at least. Allow Lori into your life, try to find a good therapist and maybe check into a hospital while you still have a choice.
You have to believe that there are people that love you enough to go through this with you even if you feel they do not deserve to be dragged through your darkest time. But you need to appreciate the fact that someone does love you enough to be there at your worst and most desperate times. Someday you might be there for Lori when she needs you.
I believe that you are suffering from PTSD like many of us who have been through severe trauma in our lives. It does not get better in time but it does get worse unless you get help. Let people love you.
You did not disgrace your Omma. She would not want you to punish yourself would she?
If you are thinking about killing yourself and I know you are, then please Sandy, please call for help.
My email is didoangst@aol.com. that is also my IM. You have to get help so that you can start living again instead of wanting to die. Please call a professional or a hospital.
We are birds of a feather Sandy. I know you are sinking in to a suicidal place and you are to ashamed to say it. I have been there and I know that place and I know when someone else is there.
You deserve to be loved and little Sandy deserves to know that she is loved and is a good person. It is okay to get help and to talk about it Sandy. Honest I know.
You deserve so much more than you know or will admit.
Love and hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html