Update from Sandra (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Update from Sandra (long)
12
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:26am
Well, I thought I would get everyone up to speed on my life. My stbx should be my ex very soon. He brought the revised edition of the divorce papers and stood over me while I re-read them and signed them. He wouldn't even let me hold them over the weekend. He is in such a hurry I wonder if he found someone new, good for him if that's the case. I want him to be happy. So I signed 300 times and now his lawyer will file them. I didn't get a lawyer, I got everything I asked for, whew.

He never found out about Jen and I, I am suprised since my daughter and 2 sisters knew all along. Nice of them not to say anything, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him angry. I am not sure how he will respond once he finds out I am living an alternative lifestyle. Since my sister is gay and he loves her, maybe he will just shrug it off. Maybe. Guess I'll see when the time comes.I hope he will still be my friend, we have a daughter to raise.

Jen and I had a rough night. After signing my papers I felt weird. After 10 years of marriage and 12 years together it was sad. I feel bad for my daughter especially, she had a picture perfect life. Now she has divorced parents and a gay mom. She is a good girl, I hope we aren't doing too much irrepairable damage. Anyway, I questioned my ability to keep a relationship and told poor Jen we should hold off a few years. Stay in touch, but as friends. I didn't want to hurt anyone else, especially never her. I guess I feel like I am unable to keep a relationship. She convinced me that I should try again, that this time would be different because we are both women. I say people are people and I obviously don't get along with people. She wouldn't take no for an answer so here I go with another relationship. Yesterday was our 5 month anniversary and I tried to break up with her - I am such a bi#ch sometimes. I don't know why she wants to be with me. I am 35, divorced twice, and grouchy. She is young and beautiful, and happy all the time. What in the world is she thinking???? My daughter was out for the night, staying with her friend overnight, so of course Jen slept here with me. We disagreed about this until very late and then she asked to make love one last time, she called it "break up sex". Well, it ended up to be make up sex...good one Jen. I tried not to, but she's a pushy little thing. (I am not sure I am allowed to be saying this, hope I don't get in trouble) OK, you get the point.

So, short version...divorce almost done + new relationship already begun = potential disaster! Someone talk some sense into me!

Also, my daughter SAYS she is ok with my decision to live an alternative lifestyle. Yet when she sees me posting/reading here she rolls her eyes. Should I take her to counseling over this divorce/lifestyle change? I really can't afford it but I will figure something out if I have to. Is her behavior just as its expected to be? I know she doesn't get why I was always straight and now I'm not. I don't even understand it so I can't explain it to her. I just know that guys hit on me, friends are already trying to set me up with men, and I am NOT interested. Even if Jen left me tomorrow, I would not date a man again.

Well, this is a long post. I better shut up now. Thanks for listening, again!

smooches, Sandra

Sandr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:40am
Wow sandralea,

You sure have a lot going on. Are you still planning on moving to PA?

Have you asked DD how she feels about you and Jen? Would DD be will to attend counseling and would Jen be a part of it?

I think everyone was great for keeping your secret from stbx.

Maybe the reason you are twice devorced is because you just were not happy with the men, you know? Maybe you will find your happiness with Jen or another woman.

Maybe before something was missing that you did not realize, like a woman.

I guess I should shut up. I really do not have the answers here. Maybe others who are and have been in your situation will be more helpfull.

At least Jen said that she is ok with your alternative lifestyle. It seems to be more accepted in schools these days at least here it does.

I hope you are able to find some piece of mind in all this very soon.

Big Bear Hug,

Laurie
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:00am
Oops, I forgot that part Laurie, my brother is coming to get me and my daughter mid october. Until then I sort through our stuff, pack and wait.(I'm still in our home, he moved out) Its a long move, from OK to PA. But I am ready. I hate leaving Jen behind, but we have to for now. Once my daughter accepts things a little better I may see about bringing Jen to PA with us. Doubtful, I know. Jen really should find someone else, I am too old, and now too far away - and I'm damaged goods. Who wants to be w/someone who has been divorced two times? oh the drama...Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:19am
You are certainly not damaged goods. I will not believe that at all.

There are so many people who get married and divorced for many reasons, it does not mean they cannot keep a relationship. Just that they did not find the right one or best one yet.

I hope you don't let that stop you from future relationships. You are still young enough to find someone and still young enough not to feel the need to find someone in a rush.

That will be a very long move. I hope you have help or movers. If things are meant to be with jen then they will be. Or you will move on.

Is your lesbian sister living in PA? That would be fun! I don't know where my parents went wrong, but my sis is as straight as an arrow. My brother-in-law is cool though we all went to school together.

Hugs, and hang in there,

Laurie
Laurie

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Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:53am

Hi Sandra,


Thanks for filling us in.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:10pm

Oh good grief Sandra!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 4:50am

Can I just copy & paste everything Pam said? ;)


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:13am
Thank you Nony, I'm really trying! Sometimes making everyone else happy is what makes me happy. I just get tired of hearing how my happiness is ruining my daughters life. She is now going to counseling and I afraid the counselor is going to make things worse. Guess we'll see...hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:30am

Sandra, I think it was Pam who said not to assume that a counselor is going to "side" with your DD, and I agree. If the counselor knows his/her stuff, then he/she will be objective. He/she will probably ask probing questions that may lead your DD to confirm her feelings. However, he/she may get DD to understand where you are coming from (hopefully that will be the case), and that YOUR happiness is important too. DD comes first, but you should not have to sacrifice your happiness totally for her. With counseling, at least she will have a safe place to let it all out and sort through her feelings. Keep us posted! Big Hugs...


Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:53am

Hey Sandra,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:06am
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Hugs, Sandra


Edited 9/23/2004 11:38 am ET ET by sandralea33

Sandr

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