alright, am questioning my approach...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
alright, am questioning my approach...
12
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:21am
i don't know if it's just me but i've been lately wondering about how i tend to fall for someone... the older i get, the faster i seem to know when someone is right for me. i don't think this is wrong, i see the good side of it but what's wrong with this picture, is that i *seem* to leave so many things out that gets in the way for a real relationship to develop. i don't know if i'm being open-minded or a real DOOFUS - the second last time i fell for someone was a guy who was everything i wanted in a partner, nothing more, nothing less--but he was GAY. i actually entertained the idea that i could persuade him to be bi, but ok, i dropped that because in the end, I knew he could never be satisfied with just a woman. (And i'm still carrying a torch for him, btw!!!) the last time i fell for a girl who is perfect except for the fact that she is considerably younger, and despite the fact she is very mature for her age-i just don't see us LASTING together-if it does happen, maybe in 6-8 years, at the least-and i know i can't/won't wait. i just tune in to certain aspects of the personality, that i like very much and tune out the rest. i think i'm tuning in and tuning out the wrong things... and yeah, i am very fussy, lol.

how does it happen for you?

do you have in your mind a shopping list (ok, in the broadest generous terms) and when you meet that someone, everything just clicks and you just know, kind of fast? How was it with that special someone you have right now?

Or does it generally take time for you to get to know someone, then you give yourself permission to fall?

And have you fallen hard for innappropriate persons? if you have how did you extricate yourself?

i don't know what's with me, lol!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:44am


Hey not str8, Gigi here, those are some great questions.

I guess I can add my two cents.....

do you have in your mind a shopping list(ok in the broadest generous terms)and when you meet that someone, everything just clicks and you just know, kind of fast? How was it with that special someone you have right now?

Ans. Well, I know for myself, that I do have my criteria and expectations. I talk with whoever it is that I'm in a relationship with and I find out where they're coming from. When I first meet someone and everything just clicks, then I have a pretty good idea that things will work out, but then I have to slow down and look at the deeper things that are there. Like, for example, devotion, patience, understanding, etc.


Or does it generally take time for you to get to know someone, then give yourself permission to fall?

Ans. well, for me, it's a combination of the two. It's like finding a special flower and I have to know everything about it, yet when I discover everything, I start to fall in love with it, and it becomes a part of me.

And have you fallen hard for inappropriate persons? if you have, how did you extricate yourself.


Ans. Well, usually like the flower that I have fallen for? If I think I'm allergic to it, then I try to leave it alone, but I find that I've become so wrapped around it, that it's hard to let go, so I leave it alone gradually, until I don't think about it anymore.


Well, I can understand how you feel. I fall quick and hard. I have to watch it sometimes, because I can loose myself, which isn't a healthy thing. But then I realize that I can think about that special someone and go on with my daily activities and know at some point that I will be talking with them again. Take it easy.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:01am
Hey Gigi! Long time no hear!... Alright, just kiddin', lol... Yeah, i really should take it easy... that's all i need to do, really. aside from needing to know i'm not the only doofus in the world, lol...

i think the reason i'm this way is i've been insulated in a relationship for sooo long, nearly a decade, that to rediscover these feelings is kind of exciting-in the sense i'm allowing myself to really feel for people i know can be soulmates. before that, i think i've been afraid to really love.

alright, i will remember to take it slowww.

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:13am

Well I will toss in my 2 cents here and say on My shopping list there is only ever one thing


"friendship"


I never Looked for anyone in my life personally.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:51am

Hey not_str8!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:47pm
"the last time i fell for a girl who is perfect except for the fact that she is considerably younger, and despite the fact she is very mature for her age-i just don't see us LASTING together-if it does happen, maybe in 6-8 years, at the least-and i know i can't/won't wait."

OK, you all knew I was going to comment on this quote....

not str8, I am in love with a much younger woman, she is 17 years younger and at a very very different place in her life than I am. It does make things a little more complicated at times. BUT, we are friends above all else, because like the others said, that is most important. Sex is a great thing, don't get me wrong, but it shouldn't be the basis of a good relationship. I wasn't sure if your term "inappropriate" was directed at the possibility of having a relationship with a younger woman, but unless she is a minor I don't see it as inappropriate at all. If she is "perfect" then begin a friendship with her and see where it goes from there, you may be missing out on the love of your life.

Good luck and keep us posted! Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:08pm
If it ever happens again, I'll likely be walking along, head down, and bump into the relationship, because it will totally happen when I'm not looking and by accident.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:21am
yeah, i do agree... sometimes it does happen too fast tho... but we'll have to manage that, yeah? ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:01am
i see her youth in relation to mine as something i will be challenged on again and again, and this makes it not so simple, for me--but not impossible--maybe this can happen some day when she can stand up to it, if she wants to in the face of opposition... but not right now. sandra, there's more here than i'm ready to share at the moment-- but the age factor plus that other reason can complicate things for us both if we have a relationship in less than those years i specified earlier. i didn't mean to say a relationship with a much younger woman is innapropriate--wrong choice of word, wrong choice of words! it's hard enough to find someone you feel so connected to, why bother with wanting things so perfect, and up to society's expectations to the T...eh? Sorry again, wrong choice of word, no insinuations (ugh) intended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:12am
but that's the best way to go, raye...n/t
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:22am
hey y'all. we sometimes need to be reminded of the importance of baby steps, and sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and plunge right into involvement--sometimes it's just the emotional involvement that can get you into trouble, you don't even have to go physical yet...--even that needs to be reigned in, yeah? because there are no shortcuts, you reckon? it really helps hearing from you guys, even though we're newly met, but thanks sooo much for your concern. i will be backkk!

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