To tell or not to tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
To tell or not to tell?
9
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:21pm
Hi everyone!

As some of you know, I'm going through a bit of a rough spot with the stbx/divorce etc. I'm from a very small community ie. 500 on a good day. This community is in the bible belt. When I first moved there with my husband & children I struck up a friendship with a really nice lady who's now 43. Here's the catch, hold your breathe, she's uhum amish. We've been best friends & done everything together for the better part of 3 1/2yrs. She knows about my marital problems, obviously. However, she doesn't know all of the story, I don't think.

I'm not sure how much gossip is in the community because I'm living about 1/2hr away right now. I feel horribly guilty every time I see her because she knows my g/f too & I haven't told her. She knows my husband suspected something, but at the time there was nothing going on & I laughed it off. I'm not sure if I should say anything or wait until she asks me. I love my friend dearly & hate not being truthful. But, it's not like I've lied to her, I just didn't tell her everything. We've always been very open with each other, joking about sex & our relationships with our spouses.

I'm so torn. I don't want to lose her respect & friendship, but at the same time I'm not sure she could handle this. Maybe some things are better left unsaid? My guess is she would probably never ask, unless g/f & I were living together & she found out, even then I don't know???

HELP!!! Am I being dishonest? I just feel like so much of my most private, intimate details have been put on display that I don't want to share anything at this point unless I'm sure the person will be supportive. I figure I can deal with the negative reactions better when I'm settled & have my assault charge & divorce proceedings underway. PLEASE HELP I have to see her tomorrow & every time I do I feel like fraud. I try to say as little to her as possible about everything so she doesn't feel like she has to take sides with me & my husband. (Our families socialized together) This is just such an awful feeling, I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, Mo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:31pm
First thing... you are *not* being dishonest... that would be if you told her something else as cover. You've said nothing, as is your right. Just because I'm friends with say... jaydi here, does not mean I am entitled to know the minutae of her relationship.

If she asks, you can answer with "I'd rather not talk about it right yet," adding as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing.

Please don't feel pressured to talk... do so on your terms, no one elses.

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:05pm
THANK YOU!!!

That was the approach I was planning on taking. Although I wasn't sure if it was taking the coward's way out. As I've told other "nosies" who've asked about my marital situation . . . " I'm saying as little as possible because I don't feel it's anyone's business & I would like to handle an awful situation with as much class as I can." I'm just hoping my friend understands. If she didn't have the religious background she does, I would've told her in a heartbeat. Ahh but for the simple amish life!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:11pm
I've a funny feeling that Amish life isn't quite as simple as it appears. One of the things I was rather surprised at... my bil, niece, several others in our extended family, and a friend are all teachers. It astounded me to here all the turf wars, bickering, etc that would go on between staff members. Yikes!

Anyway, the Amish are people, and people have different outlooks, are emotional, etc... so in their world I have no doubt that the social structure creates it's own stresses. She may not be used to what you are facing in the way you are facing it, and she may not be used to having someone admit to being gay... but she is also not living in a Amish community, so she is exposed to lots...

just follow your heart, what you feel is right for you.

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:39pm

(((((((Mo)))))))


Great input and advice from rayeellen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:38am

Hi Mo, great advice from Raye. Its not dishonest to not tell her. If there comes a time when she asks out right then you can either tell her then or say something along the lines of you would rather not discuss it. Either way would be just fine :) Its just whatever you feel most comfortable with.


Hugs!


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:04am

IMO, you have every right not to tell people until you are ready, if ever. There are certainly people I will probably never come out to. It is very hard not to, especially because I am in a relationship that is so special and wonderful and I want to shout that to the world, but every situation is different and not always easy to understand or accept. I consider the details of my relationships to be extremely personal and private. There are even things I am not willing to share with my therapist about my sexual orientation and don't know if I ever will. But, that's just me. I want to have things that are just mine and/or mine and my partner's.


Good luck to you--I know how hard it is. Hugs!

Ting

Ting 

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:43pm

I agree with TiNG obviously hehe that somethings are meant to be just between you and your partner.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:54pm
Very well written caly.

Hugs,

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:14am
Thank you Laurie!

*hugs ~ Caly