Bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Bad day
30
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:33pm
I decided to start packing today. It was so sad to go through the house seperating everything, all the memories coming back to me of the past 12 years. I was doing some serious soul searching, looking for answers to why things happen the way they do. I didn't get any answers, what I did get was a phone call from my STBX informing me that our divorce went through today. I have such mixed feelings about it since we get along so well. All the years we were married I was honest about my sexual "confusion", he knew I struggled, but I loved him and that is what we focused on. He has been my best friend for so long. I love him in a different way than a wife should love her husband. He deserves a wife that can be his completely, I am not her.

He never found out about Jen and I. I didn't want to hurt him, and my daughter didn't want him to be hurt when he found out she knew and didn't tell. My sisters never told either. I am glad, and hope he never knows. But the guilt of being unfaithful still eats at me all the time. I am not that kind of person, well, I guess I am but I never wanted to be.

So many things are going through my head. I have serious doubts about Jen and I being able to make it, and I tell her. She insists it will be ok. I guess I am emotionally drained right now and don't even want to deal with a relationship. I want to focus on my daughter, moving back to my home state, getting a job... but when I see Jen I can't do that. All I want is her, I want to get in the car and run away with her and I know I can't. She is the most beautiful person I ever knew, and she is so patient with me. She is patient because I tell her we can stay together when she asks me. I tell her that is what I want and it is, but I don't see how it will ever work. I don't trust that she won't outgrow me, we are 17 years apart. I am not going to be "hot" forever (her words, not mine). I don't want to fight my age, I am ready to grow old gracefully and not feel ugly next to my partner. I don't want to be in my 20's again, I like being 35 and look forward to 45....I never pictured my self with such a young woman. Well, I'm babbling.

Just wanted to share my day, I am so sad and confused. I feel like I am not making anything happen, its all just happening. I feel weak, like a failure, for the first time in my life. I feel like my life is out of control and I can't do anything about it. I know I can, I know I will be ok, I just don't have the energy to make anything happen right now. Sorry for the constant drama ladies, someday I will be here posting just for fun, I promise!

Thanks for everything you have all said to me, you really get me through my days...many hugs, Sandra

Sandr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:08pm
You are a wonderful mother, and you were a wonderful partner to your ex. You still care deeply for him even now, going through so much to spare his feelings. It just goes to show what a genuine angel you are. You're gold Sandra, it's no wonder Jen is hooked on you. I know things are hard for you now, but please take a moment when the sadness creeps up on you, close your eyes, breath deeply, focus your thoughts on something that is good in the world today, and remeber to *smile* as you do this, for however long it takes for the smile to be real. That's what I do, kind of a meditation thing for me but it really works. Things will get better for you sweetie, remeber we are here and we care about ya. xo ~sadie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:05pm
((((Hugs Sandra))))) As you say.. you are drained and so be it hon.. Let yourself stop for awhile.. Exhale and do what you set out to do.. Your mind is to weary just now, your insides filled with many mixed emotions.. Thats understandable..
If Jen and you are meant to be.. it will be.. If you move and set up in your home town and your daughter and you settle in you and Jen can still talk, be friends, and take some time to find yourself and what you need.. If after that time Jen is what or who you want and she still wants you then it will work, if not then at least you have a friend in each other and go forward to other things in your life..
I can understand your feelings about leaving behind all those years.. I have done it twice for different reasons.. It's

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:08pm
Tonight seems to be a night of sadness. My heart is with you and I do understand like all of us on this board. I agree with what Sadie said. You need to pull in your strength and go on. It is very hard but it is the way we all survive. And that is the key, survival. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:10pm

(((((( Sandra ))))))


I can feel your pain ( tears came to my eyes as I read your post )

Robin

 **Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**   

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:25pm

(((((Sandra)))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:31pm
hey sandra, i feel your pain. know what i'm thinking? maybe it's not a good idea right now to think in that direction and to load up on doubts not when when your energy reserves are so low and you feel so pulled in too many directions... you're likely to sink than swim, if you keep doing this.

try compartmentalizing your thinking... because the fact is the challenges to your relationship with Jen remains unique (yeah, i'm one to talk, lol!) and you'll need a lot more inner strength and wisdom to see yourself and her through this, esp much later after the courtship period is over. yeah, i do get your fears and concerns. i don't know, i do hear stories about older women and younger women, try www.curvemag 'dating & relationships' community board and run a search on 'age differences', 'older women'... for old posts. it's been helpful to me in terms of insight. seems to me, the younger women who are really in love almost always seem contented, even after many, many years but it's odd, i never hear the older women having anything much to say, lol! if anything they're the ones to up and leave... anyways, i haven't checked for posts like that here.

try compartmentalizing so you don't overload yourself with worries. that's close to selfsabotage. long way to go, Sandra, best start now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:09am
Thank you Sadie, I needed that. I will try your idea - thank you so much! Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:11am
Cat, I agree, I just wish she did. Thank you - big hug, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:13am
I noticed I am not the only one having a sad day, thank God we have all of you to lean on! Thank you - hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:15am
Robin, thank you for the support, and the compliments! I am grateful for every one of you. Hope you are feeling well...smooches! Sandra

Sandr

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