Bad day
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| Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:33pm |
He never found out about Jen and I. I didn't want to hurt him, and my daughter didn't want him to be hurt when he found out she knew and didn't tell. My sisters never told either. I am glad, and hope he never knows. But the guilt of being unfaithful still eats at me all the time. I am not that kind of person, well, I guess I am but I never wanted to be.
So many things are going through my head. I have serious doubts about Jen and I being able to make it, and I tell her. She insists it will be ok. I guess I am emotionally drained right now and don't even want to deal with a relationship. I want to focus on my daughter, moving back to my home state, getting a job... but when I see Jen I can't do that. All I want is her, I want to get in the car and run away with her and I know I can't. She is the most beautiful person I ever knew, and she is so patient with me. She is patient because I tell her we can stay together when she asks me. I tell her that is what I want and it is, but I don't see how it will ever work. I don't trust that she won't outgrow me, we are 17 years apart. I am not going to be "hot" forever (her words, not mine). I don't want to fight my age, I am ready to grow old gracefully and not feel ugly next to my partner. I don't want to be in my 20's again, I like being 35 and look forward to 45....I never pictured my self with such a young woman. Well, I'm babbling.
Just wanted to share my day, I am so sad and confused. I feel like I am not making anything happen, its all just happening. I feel weak, like a failure, for the first time in my life. I feel like my life is out of control and I can't do anything about it. I know I can, I know I will be ok, I just don't have the energy to make anything happen right now. Sorry for the constant drama ladies, someday I will be here posting just for fun, I promise!
Thanks for everything you have all said to me, you really get me through my days...many hugs, Sandra

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If Jen and you are meant to be.. it will be.. If you move and set up in your home town and your daughter and you settle in you and Jen can still talk, be friends, and take some time to find yourself and what you need.. If after that time Jen is what or who you want and she still wants you then it will work, if not then at least you have a friend in each other and go forward to other things in your life..
I can understand your feelings about leaving behind all those years.. I have done it twice for different reasons.. It's
C >^. A .
(((((( Sandra ))))))
I can feel your pain ( tears came to my eyes as I read your post )
Robin
**Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**
(((((Sandra)))))
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
try compartmentalizing your thinking... because the fact is the challenges to your relationship with Jen remains unique (yeah, i'm one to talk, lol!) and you'll need a lot more inner strength and wisdom to see yourself and her through this, esp much later after the courtship period is over. yeah, i do get your fears and concerns. i don't know, i do hear stories about older women and younger women, try www.curvemag 'dating & relationships' community board and run a search on 'age differences', 'older women'... for old posts. it's been helpful to me in terms of insight. seems to me, the younger women who are really in love almost always seem contented, even after many, many years but it's odd, i never hear the older women having anything much to say, lol! if anything they're the ones to up and leave... anyways, i haven't checked for posts like that here.
try compartmentalizing so you don't overload yourself with worries. that's close to selfsabotage. long way to go, Sandra, best start now.
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