Bad day
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| Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:33pm |
He never found out about Jen and I. I didn't want to hurt him, and my daughter didn't want him to be hurt when he found out she knew and didn't tell. My sisters never told either. I am glad, and hope he never knows. But the guilt of being unfaithful still eats at me all the time. I am not that kind of person, well, I guess I am but I never wanted to be.
So many things are going through my head. I have serious doubts about Jen and I being able to make it, and I tell her. She insists it will be ok. I guess I am emotionally drained right now and don't even want to deal with a relationship. I want to focus on my daughter, moving back to my home state, getting a job... but when I see Jen I can't do that. All I want is her, I want to get in the car and run away with her and I know I can't. She is the most beautiful person I ever knew, and she is so patient with me. She is patient because I tell her we can stay together when she asks me. I tell her that is what I want and it is, but I don't see how it will ever work. I don't trust that she won't outgrow me, we are 17 years apart. I am not going to be "hot" forever (her words, not mine). I don't want to fight my age, I am ready to grow old gracefully and not feel ugly next to my partner. I don't want to be in my 20's again, I like being 35 and look forward to 45....I never pictured my self with such a young woman. Well, I'm babbling.
Just wanted to share my day, I am so sad and confused. I feel like I am not making anything happen, its all just happening. I feel weak, like a failure, for the first time in my life. I feel like my life is out of control and I can't do anything about it. I know I can, I know I will be ok, I just don't have the energy to make anything happen right now. Sorry for the constant drama ladies, someday I will be here posting just for fun, I promise!
Thanks for everything you have all said to me, you really get me through my days...many hugs, Sandra

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Sandr
Sandr
I remember having the same thoughts and emotions when I left my nice house in the nice suburb that we struggled for so long to buy.
Kim
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((((((((((Sandra)))))))))) I'm sure that dealing with the memories is hard, but you are on a road to finding your happiness, and that is so very special. Like Pam said, it will be hard, but when you are settled and able to really focus on being happy, you will never regret travelling that road, and you won't look back. It's been about 6 months since I found the "other side" of what started out as a very dark period for me. This week I listened to a CD that I listened to during that dark period, and it triggered some tough things/emotions, but then I realized that I'm not in that period anymore. So I was able to let go of the triggers. And yes, I know the feelings of wanting to run away from everyday life and the stress of it all, but that everyday stuff isn't going anywhere, and you will always have to deal with it. The key is being able to integrate your happiness with the everyday things and move forward.
I see you taking some good steps toward making a new life for yourself, and I celebrate that for you. It sounds like Jen is willing to give you some space. She clearly loves you for who you are. I hope you will let her be there for you and let her love you. She sounds like a true gem.
Take care and (((((((((hugs)))))))))).
Ting![]()
And then there's Jen, she's so young, maybe I see her as another person to take care of? She came by this morning to check on me, I was so glad to see her, she is so patient and understanding. I feel like she deserves more and doesn't need this kind of stuff in her life. I am tired of feeling guilty about everything I do. I am going to try and make this my last "poor me" post, I need to change my attitute and my outlook, thanks for letting me complain to you one last time.
Big Hugs, Sandra
Sandr
Did you ever just want to SCREAM at the top of your lungs? I am mad at the world but the world didn't do this to me, I did. In your case it was not your choice, out of your control. What happened to your husband wasn't your fault. I guess in a way my lack of sexual attraction to my EX wasn't my fault either but I could have ignored it just to keep life simple. It wouldn't have killed me. Someday I will be glad I was true to myself and to him, we both deserve honest happiness. This was a bad time but I know things will get better because everyone says it will, I hang on to that every minute of my day.
Thank you for being here for me through it all, hugs, Sandra
Sandr
Did you ever just want to SCREAM at the top of
your lungs? I am mad at the world but the world
didn't do this to me, I did.
I'm not a screamer.
Kim
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Sandr
I'm not an advice giver. I would like to offer you a cyberhug ((((Sandra)))). It is good that you discussed this and didn't hold it inside. I'll keep positive thoughts for you.
***positive thoughts for Sandra****
rj :)
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
You aren't babbling.
These are real, live, valid emotions within, and they gnaw at your soul. I know the feeling all too well, there is so much guilt, so much worry, so much hurt, so much confusion. Who we are should not create so many issues for us, and really, it is something that hetero people don't face, at least not for the same reasons we do. To be torn by who we are attracted to, to feel guilty for who we are... all we can hope is that we are the last generation that tries to bury who and what they are.
I know for me talking on it helps... getting the words out here and in front of me and others, so please keep right on talking, we are all here for you.
nelle
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