Bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Bad day
30
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:33pm
I decided to start packing today. It was so sad to go through the house seperating everything, all the memories coming back to me of the past 12 years. I was doing some serious soul searching, looking for answers to why things happen the way they do. I didn't get any answers, what I did get was a phone call from my STBX informing me that our divorce went through today. I have such mixed feelings about it since we get along so well. All the years we were married I was honest about my sexual "confusion", he knew I struggled, but I loved him and that is what we focused on. He has been my best friend for so long. I love him in a different way than a wife should love her husband. He deserves a wife that can be his completely, I am not her.

He never found out about Jen and I. I didn't want to hurt him, and my daughter didn't want him to be hurt when he found out she knew and didn't tell. My sisters never told either. I am glad, and hope he never knows. But the guilt of being unfaithful still eats at me all the time. I am not that kind of person, well, I guess I am but I never wanted to be.

So many things are going through my head. I have serious doubts about Jen and I being able to make it, and I tell her. She insists it will be ok. I guess I am emotionally drained right now and don't even want to deal with a relationship. I want to focus on my daughter, moving back to my home state, getting a job... but when I see Jen I can't do that. All I want is her, I want to get in the car and run away with her and I know I can't. She is the most beautiful person I ever knew, and she is so patient with me. She is patient because I tell her we can stay together when she asks me. I tell her that is what I want and it is, but I don't see how it will ever work. I don't trust that she won't outgrow me, we are 17 years apart. I am not going to be "hot" forever (her words, not mine). I don't want to fight my age, I am ready to grow old gracefully and not feel ugly next to my partner. I don't want to be in my 20's again, I like being 35 and look forward to 45....I never pictured my self with such a young woman. Well, I'm babbling.

Just wanted to share my day, I am so sad and confused. I feel like I am not making anything happen, its all just happening. I feel weak, like a failure, for the first time in my life. I feel like my life is out of control and I can't do anything about it. I know I can, I know I will be ok, I just don't have the energy to make anything happen right now. Sorry for the constant drama ladies, someday I will be here posting just for fun, I promise!

Thanks for everything you have all said to me, you really get me through my days...many hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:19am
Pam, I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Whenever I come here you always know exactly what to say and I am grateful for you. I wish I could meet everyone here, especially you, to personally thank you for everything. I will never forget this time in my life, and will always remember this group of "strangers" that saved me from self destruction. I love you all. I know I will be ok, but it's nice to hear from someone else too. Thank you Pam, hugs and smooches, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:23am
I'll check that out, thank you! I know I have a long road ahead, hopefully it's not much harder than the one I just traveled. I can't take much more. I will try your suggestions, I am open to them all right now. I appreciate your reply. Thank you - big hug, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:10am

I remember having the same thoughts and emotions when I left my nice house in the nice suburb that we struggled for so long to buy.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:14am

((((((((((Sandra)))))))))) I'm sure that dealing with the memories is hard, but you are on a road to finding your happiness, and that is so very special. Like Pam said, it will be hard, but when you are settled and able to really focus on being happy, you will never regret travelling that road, and you won't look back. It's been about 6 months since I found the "other side" of what started out as a very dark period for me. This week I listened to a CD that I listened to during that dark period, and it triggered some tough things/emotions, but then I realized that I'm not in that period anymore. So I was able to let go of the triggers. And yes, I know the feelings of wanting to run away from everyday life and the stress of it all, but that everyday stuff isn't going anywhere, and you will always have to deal with it. The key is being able to integrate your happiness with the everyday things and move forward.


I see you taking some good steps toward making a new life for yourself, and I celebrate that for you. It sounds like Jen is willing to give you some space. She clearly loves you for who you are. I hope you will let her be there for you and let her love you. She sounds like a true gem.


Take care and (((((((((hugs)))))))))).

Ting

Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:54am
Ting, Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I struggle because it seems like everyone in my life is happy for me, except me. The sense of loss is overwhelming, although there is no sexual attraction there, he was my best friend and protector. I think my biggest problem isn't the loss of my marriage its the fear or not being able to take care of myself and my daughter. I also think that is why we stayed together for so long. I am not talking about money, that isn't the problem, he just made me feel like whatever I did he could undo and whatever happened to me he would fix. Now I can only depend on me, and that feels lonely. I feel too weak and need to find the strength to not be afraid to face the world alone, I just can't find it.

And then there's Jen, she's so young, maybe I see her as another person to take care of? She came by this morning to check on me, I was so glad to see her, she is so patient and understanding. I feel like she deserves more and doesn't need this kind of stuff in her life. I am tired of feeling guilty about everything I do. I am going to try and make this my last "poor me" post, I need to change my attitute and my outlook, thanks for letting me complain to you one last time.

Big Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:00am
Kim,

Did you ever just want to SCREAM at the top of your lungs? I am mad at the world but the world didn't do this to me, I did. In your case it was not your choice, out of your control. What happened to your husband wasn't your fault. I guess in a way my lack of sexual attraction to my EX wasn't my fault either but I could have ignored it just to keep life simple. It wouldn't have killed me. Someday I will be glad I was true to myself and to him, we both deserve honest happiness. This was a bad time but I know things will get better because everyone says it will, I hang on to that every minute of my day.

Thank you for being here for me through it all, hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:47am

Did you ever just want to SCREAM at the top of
your lungs? I am mad at the world but the world
didn't do this to me, I did.


I'm not a screamer.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:16am
Kim, I hope he stays out too. You have done so well, and life is good for the three of you. It's about to get better now that you can be open with your family. After all your crying and hard work it looks like you have "made it" and I think that is your reward. If he returns, you have the strength to face it and you won't have to do it alone. Courtney just may be God's way of apologizing! LOL Have a wonderful weekend, hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:49pm
Sandra,

I'm not an advice giver. I would like to offer you a cyberhug ((((Sandra)))). It is good that you discussed this and didn't hold it inside. I'll keep positive thoughts for you.

***positive thoughts for Sandra****

rj :)

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:03pm
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sandra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You aren't babbling.

These are real, live, valid emotions within, and they gnaw at your soul. I know the feeling all too well, there is so much guilt, so much worry, so much hurt, so much confusion. Who we are should not create so many issues for us, and really, it is something that hetero people don't face, at least not for the same reasons we do. To be torn by who we are attracted to, to feel guilty for who we are... all we can hope is that we are the last generation that tries to bury who and what they are.

I know for me talking on it helps... getting the words out here and in front of me and others, so please keep right on talking, we are all here for you.

nelle