Bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Bad day
30
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:33pm
I decided to start packing today. It was so sad to go through the house seperating everything, all the memories coming back to me of the past 12 years. I was doing some serious soul searching, looking for answers to why things happen the way they do. I didn't get any answers, what I did get was a phone call from my STBX informing me that our divorce went through today. I have such mixed feelings about it since we get along so well. All the years we were married I was honest about my sexual "confusion", he knew I struggled, but I loved him and that is what we focused on. He has been my best friend for so long. I love him in a different way than a wife should love her husband. He deserves a wife that can be his completely, I am not her.

He never found out about Jen and I. I didn't want to hurt him, and my daughter didn't want him to be hurt when he found out she knew and didn't tell. My sisters never told either. I am glad, and hope he never knows. But the guilt of being unfaithful still eats at me all the time. I am not that kind of person, well, I guess I am but I never wanted to be.

So many things are going through my head. I have serious doubts about Jen and I being able to make it, and I tell her. She insists it will be ok. I guess I am emotionally drained right now and don't even want to deal with a relationship. I want to focus on my daughter, moving back to my home state, getting a job... but when I see Jen I can't do that. All I want is her, I want to get in the car and run away with her and I know I can't. She is the most beautiful person I ever knew, and she is so patient with me. She is patient because I tell her we can stay together when she asks me. I tell her that is what I want and it is, but I don't see how it will ever work. I don't trust that she won't outgrow me, we are 17 years apart. I am not going to be "hot" forever (her words, not mine). I don't want to fight my age, I am ready to grow old gracefully and not feel ugly next to my partner. I don't want to be in my 20's again, I like being 35 and look forward to 45....I never pictured my self with such a young woman. Well, I'm babbling.

Just wanted to share my day, I am so sad and confused. I feel like I am not making anything happen, its all just happening. I feel weak, like a failure, for the first time in my life. I feel like my life is out of control and I can't do anything about it. I know I can, I know I will be ok, I just don't have the energy to make anything happen right now. Sorry for the constant drama ladies, someday I will be here posting just for fun, I promise!

Thanks for everything you have all said to me, you really get me through my days...many hugs, Sandra

Sandr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 4:12am

Dear Sandra,


It's no wonder you're scared and sad. Your whole life is changing. You don't have the anger, of someone forcing this change, to spur you on. Instead, you wonder if there's going to be solid ground under your foot, like when you step off a ladder... a ladder that you climbed all on your own.


These are natural reactions to such a change in your life. Lack of energy, feeling weak or a failure.. all those things are normal to any time so emotionally charged. It's okay hon. Just because they're there right now doesn't mean you'll feel like that forever.


I

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:06am
Nelle,

Thank you for listening, and for the invitation to keep venting here. I was beginning to wonder if everyone was going to think I was just a big baby! I really am a fun person, I just found this board during one of the worst times of my life, well - it's partly the best too....

Either way, I am glad I "met" you all -Big hugs,Sandra


Edited 9/26/2004 1:08 am ET ET by sandralea33

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:08am
Nony, You are so sweet, I appreciate all your kind words. What a comforting nature you have, I am so thankful for you all! Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:25am

(((((((((((((Sandra))))))))))))))


I know what you mean about packing up your house and how sad that is. I've never gone through a divorce of course, but I think the symbolism of closing one stage of your life and stepping into the next one is similar. My parents decided to move this past June. I, of course, was already preparing for my own move, so this did not have a lot of affect on me. Plus, as a small child, we had moved constantly. Once or twice a year at some points, so in all honesty I've never felt like any place was home really. Plus, I've never felt as though I really belonged, but that's a whole other story. But that house was the only one my three youngest siblings had ever known. We moved in shortly before my baby brother (11) was born. Packing up their rooms and playroom kept me near tears constantly. It was so sad. They were sad. It was a hard thing. I saved my things for last, there wasn't really room for my stuff at the new house, and with my VA move coming up so quickly, I decided that I would just pack for good and then live out of boxes for the next several weeks. When it came time to do my stuff, I think that's when the move really hit me full force. The house was empty by that point, all that was left were things that we weren't taking. And as I sat in the floor, sorting things into boxes and trash and all that, I was just so sad and really began feeling overwhelmed at all that was changing in my life.


You were a good partner to your husband Sandra. The caring and love you still feel for him are so obvious. Making sure that he never knew about Jen was a very caring move on your part. Sometimes our life doesn't work out the way that we plan or hope and we have to do what is best for us, even when its hard. You tried. Try not to be too hard on yourself that it didn't work out.


As for your relationship with Jen, its tough. No one has any way of knowing what the future holds, but sometimes you just have to snatch happiness as it comes. Age is a big factor. There's no escaping that. You are at very different places in your life and dealing with very different problems. But that doesn't mean that you aren't compatible, that you can't work out. Kim and I had hours worth of age related conversations before I got here. And we still talk about it when an issue comes up. I will be forever grateful for the time that we long distance dated. As very hard as that was, and as much as we wanted to be together right then!, it presented the perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other on a very deep emotional level. Not that it couldn't have happened in person, it continues to happen even now. But without any type of physical relationship as a distraction (never mind what a FUN distraction it would have been!) all we had was talking. And talk we did. Endlessly. Through phone, email, IM, and letters. And doing all that talking, we confronted head on all the potential problems that we could think of. We talked about Amanda, and Kim's responsibilities as far as she was concerned. We talked about age related differences as far as where we were in our life, where we were going with our life, and all those other things that are just a natural difference. On my end, it helped a lot that I had almost always dated older women. I think in a lot of ways that helped reassure Kim too. As tough as it is going to be for you and Jen to live so far apart, you may find that it is the best thing that can happen for your relationship. I think you made a good decision with re: to this move. But as far as the relationship goes, I hope that you can see the good in it, for both of you, and just know going into it, that yes it may not be forever, but the thing that ends it may have nothing to do with age, and believe as strongly as you can that yes this may be the relationship that is happily ever after for both of you.


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 10:50am
I think you will find most of us will have a lot of fun, but will also post about things that are important to us, or that is upsetting us. Every person goes through such a range, and then we factor in the added issues that come with being gay in a society that sometimes doesn't like having us around. We are all here to share the whole range of experiences, from laughing to supporting.

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 10:58am

(((((( Sandra )))))))


Rant, rave, cry, laugh, giggle like a school girl, or just say a big HELLO. I have found though my time here that these beautiful wonderful ladies are here through the thick and thin of all of out lives.


There will be good and bad times ... but that is what friends are for :o) !!!


Huggles of love and support,

Robin

 **Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**   

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:20pm
Courtney, I hope it is! I want Jen and I to work out, the long distance between us is going to be just awful. Since we are used to being together it is hard to go backwards. Our age difference is scary to me, probably since I am the older one. On the positive side...my daughter seems to be coming around, yesterday she bought Jen a keychain that says "My other ride is your mom" I thought it was hysterical, Jen did too - but we were shocked as you can imagine! They are actually watching a movie together right now, what a relief!Many hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:21pm
*smooch*

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:35pm

roflmao!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 3:23pm

The being apart after being together is going to be like going backwards. That is very difficult, I can't really imagine. But it is possible. I know that you two can make it through this, and come out stronger on the other side of it. That keychain is too funny! LOL! I bet you were surprised ~ sounds like she is coming around. That's great!


Hugs!


~C

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