My parents ~ rant/vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
My parents ~ rant/vent
46
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:59am

Just needed to get out.


Little sister, M, had her birthday Friday. So I sent her a big package with her presents in it. I sent to her in care of my grandparents, cause I had this feeling that if it was sent to my parent's house she would never get it. Anyways, it arrived on Thursday and my grandparents took it over to her. I talked to her Friday morning and she had opened a couple of the presents, was saving the rest for later, and loved them. Fast forward to Saturday night, I called again just to say hi. Little brother answered the phone and I talked to him awhile and then asked to speak to M. Well she can't come to the phone cause she is grounded. Part of her grounding was from phone privleges which makes me mad all by itself because it primarily affects me, she only very rarely talks to anyone else on the phone, but ok fine, no big deal. So then I ask him what else she is grounded from, he starts listing things and guess what? She is only grounded from things that relate to ME. She can't talk on the phone, she's not allowed to read her letters that she got from me on Saturday, and the presents that I got her have been put away ~ for 6 weeks! She's still allowed to play with friends, go outside, and play with any toys/things that are from anyone else but me. So I asked to speak to my mother just to make sure I was getting it right, and sure enough. The whole box of things I sent her, plus the letters have been put away till she's not grounded anymore.


Ugh!


My parents hate the fact that I have, and always have had,

~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:55am
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Courtney}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I read the entire thread before posting... didn't wish to be redundant, but think it impossible to avoid. Yanno, since getting involved online many years ago, and particularly here and another dyke community, I have met many your age who have such maturity that I never would have guessed possible 7 years ago. It is evident in how you conduct yourself here, and in what you write of your school decisions and family.

Parents... sometimes they are their children's own worst problems. And yes, that cannon can be pointed at me as well, knowing full well how my life's inversion the last 2 years created issues for them. I could write a book on guilt. Anyway... I've tried to get a feel for how and why your parents consider your closeness to your siblings a bad thing. I spent a lot of time trying to get our eldest to be a little more big sisterish with our younger. That it took me falling to pieces was not my intent! It is a wonderful thing to have you be close to them, and it is something that I hope grows stronger, not weaker as you all go through life.

I was a very shy, immature, and unworldly teen. My parents never brought us anywhere, well except one particular place. My sister, 5 years older and as she started to drive, did. First time I ever went to Boston... all of 50 minutes from here... was because she brought me. She bought me clothes, taught me to drive, because my dad would have killed me in the process. Let me borrow her car when needed. And even now, me in my late 40's... she was there for me when I came out.

Back to what is happening there... do they have issue with your being gay? Obviously they don't realise by taking your things from them they have now rendered those highly desirable and precious commodities that they cannot wait to get back. I agree it sounds like there is some jealousy of your closeness involved, and that is unfortunate... they should see the beauty in that closeness, to me it meant so much for my kids to get there.

How to change it? Have you ever written them a lonnnng email detailing your concerns? Not easy to do, but a well thought out letter maybe will shake them sufficiently so that they see the errors being made, and in turn see your closeness as something they should encourage.

My heart goes out to you... because you are a wonderful person, because you are mature, because I admire that closeness... and because I too can be a dysfunctional parent.

*hugs* again!


Edited 9/27/2004 10:59 am ET ET by rayeellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 10:55am

Thanks.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:02am

As Soozi said, Adult Children of Alcoholics.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:10pm

((((((((((Thanks ML))))))))))


I may look into Al-ANON too, though the ACA meeting in Roanoke is at the perfect place. And it meets on Friday nights, so there isn't a school or work conflict. I'll look into it soon. Thanks for all your support.


Big Hugs!


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:11pm

I had to rewrite a few times. Some of the thoughts entering my head were TOSable.


~sigh~


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:13pm

I'm willing to give it a fair try. Thanks for the advice Pam. The first bit and this follow up.


Big Hugs!


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:29pm

Thanks sooo much for that post Raye. Very thought provoking for me.


>>>do they have issue with your being gay?<<<


Yes, very much, but this is something they did not know until last spring. Though my mother says she had suspected for a little while. And they take issue with Kim too. However, this doesn't explain all the years before I realized I was gay. And I don't think it was a case of a parent suspecting before the child knows. As a child, I talked of getting married, having children, being a wife and mother, always in the context of having a husband. As a teen, I dated boys, not many, but a few and they were all boys that my parents approved of. So I think that my being gay was a huge shock to them, an unpleasant one that has certainly made things worse in the last few months, but not one that can explain away my pre - 18 years.


>>>Have you ever written them a lonnnng email detailing your concerns?<<<


No, and have I considered it? Not really. I think sometimes we get in the position of not wanting to disturb the status quo. Even when it absolutely sucks. At least you know what to expect. The old saying, choose the devil you are most familiar with (or something to that effect...) seems to fit. The status quo sucks, but if I try to shake it up, there's no telling where I'll end up. My greatest fear at this point is being completely cut off from the young ones. And I wouldn't put it past my parents. And with baby being just barely 5, 18 is a long ways away. So I just go along as best I can. Vent it out here or wherever when I get really frustrated, but for the most part just try to take it in stride and keep moving.


There doesn't really seem to be any easy answer, or even a single right answer for that matter.


Thanks for your support and encouragement. (((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:30pm

I love you.


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 3:11pm

My greatest fear at this point is being completely cut
off from the young ones. And I wouldn't put it past my
parents. And with baby being just barely 5, 18 is a long
ways away. So I just go along as best I can. Vent it out
here or wherever when I get really frustrated, but for
the most part just try to take it in stride and keep moving.


Sadly, this latest stunt is evidence that they are already cutting you off.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:05pm

Courtney, Pam is right on the money with the giving the meetings a good 6 to 8 weeks before making your decision.

~ ML ~