Venting, ranting and raving. Long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Venting, ranting and raving. Long.
14
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:11am
Like many others here I am having another sleepless night.

I thought I would come here and let it all out and see if it helps.

You do not have to read this. I just needed to let it all out.



My sweet gf is under so much stress at work due to having less than half the staff she needs due to the powers that used to be at her corp. office. Finally they were fired and she will get to hire more staff, but they won't be able to start for at least a month because they have to go to training. In part this is good news, in part it is still stressing my gf out so much. She keeps having nightmares of our dogs, family members and us being killed.

She wakes up startled in the night. She needs to talk to a therapist, but is afraid we cannot afford what the insurance won't cover. So she won't go. She also needs to have a recheck after her breast cancer surgery and will not go because we owe them about $750.00.

The new owners of her company have taken away the monthly bonuses and will pay them in December but have not yet said how much of a cut the bonuses will be.

Much of this is my fault.

I am now on 70% disability for injuries that I recieved from my assault while on active duty in the Navy. But yet the rest of my disability is pending due to more documents that the VA wants from Geneva Switzerland to prove these injuries came from my assault. They are in my medical records and the VA says they were incurred from my assault along with my PTSD. They just will not grant me the rest without the paperwork that has conveniently vanished from my records. I gave them copies of my subpena, and a letter from my Chief signed but it does not seem to be good enough. I think they are putting me off because this would automatically make me eligible for 100% disability. Then we find out the our wonderful president is trying to shut down the womens therapy departments and change the rules to be no disability for PTSD for women unless they were in uniform at the time of their assault. This is supposed to take place in December if the Bill is passed.

Funny how this Bill comes up at the same time they are also trying to pass a Bill to draft women as well as men which is also trying to be put in place by December.

What ever I said before out of respect for this president I do not feel now. Selfish?

Maybe. But how the heck/TOS, can they do this to veterans and active duty people who will be going into war many of them against their will, maybe to be killed.

For almost 10 years I worked hard along with my shipmates to make sure the jets were working and able to keep flying 24 hours a day 7 days a week over our borders and shores. As well as being over seas to make sure all the missions took place that were supposed to during the Libian crises, Kadaffi, Star Wars and many other missions. We saw our Marines die in their sleep when a suicide bomber crashed through the gate and into the barracks.

We worked many 12 hours on 12 hours off shifts even when there was a drough and no water to shower while we were in Spain. We were so filthy we would come home and sleep on the floor. There was no airconditioning and it would be 110 - 120 degrees at times. I was in a mission to rescue thousands of people from an Island in adverse weather condition fairying them back to the main land on landing craft while we had to let them be inside and we stood outside in the rain and cold for hours until all were safe. We were later treated for exposure. our uniforms ruined. I have been decorated with 3 over seas ribons, and three of some of the highest medals etc you can be awarded in peace time as well as medal of good conduct. I am not saying this to brag and I never really mention these things but it seems that this president will put everyones lives in danger and give them nothing in return. All of the men and women who are suffering and dying now are doing so because they VOLUNTEERED to support and defend our country. A country I am proud to be in and a country I want to remain proud of.

Bush is trying to take the very things away from his military that they need the most. And the worst of it is he is letting men and women die everyday as if they are expendable. And I am believing this is what this (as kim calls it) regime believes, that the lives of the people who actually support and defend this country are nothing but numbers and are expendable. He can always get more by drafting them, ruining their lives and not giving them any compensation for their time.

TOS, TOS, TOS!!!!!

I need now to have 3 different surgeries, knee replacement, gall bladder and full or patial hysterectomy. I cannot have them until my test come back ok for retaining fluid in my legs.

The surgeries I cannot have are from the permenant injurie sustained from my assault which may not count because I was not wearing my uniform. (Sorry I did not plan better)

I will have permenant cranial nerve damage to 3 nerves, several vertabrea in my neck and lower back, and numbness and tingling in my extremities. But who cares? Not my government.

I have tried so hard not to be bitter and not to whine about this stuff and not to bring my accomandations into it or my duties. Yes, they are small compared to what my fellow military men and women are going through now. But I feel foolish to think that I did something that I thought was important. My dad, uncles, some aunts and some cousins have served our country. Some of my cousins still are active duty and one was recalled. I tried to go back active and they put me on the disabled list. Could not pass my physical because of my injuries during my last active duty time. I chose like a fool to take my honorable discharge and not a medical discharge incase I wanted to go back in. Maybe it is part survivers guilt. My cousins get to serve and I am not worthy at the most important time. I know other down at the VA who feel the same.My cousin was supposed to retire but they activated him indeffinately. Sometimes I feel so worthless and now my president and his demons are trying to make me worthless.

Kim was so right in her post when we were all discussing this and I was so wrong. How can people in this country turn against the very people who defend this country. If it were not for the military where would we be.

Tonight I saw a man on Larry King who professes to be a Christian. He was spreading the word against gays and gay marriage and terrorists and this is why we need to vote to keep this president in office because he will save this pour country from the gays and the terrorests. Now we are being lumped in with terrorists as well as child molesters etc.

If we are so sick then why don't we get disability for being gay? Because we choose to be gay. NO! I choose to be me. I led a double life for almost 10 years so that I could serve your country mr. christian! What have you done besides spread hate and discrimination among this country? And you keep promoting it! I wonder what God thinks about that. Let's see what does God say about not judging others?? Unless you will also be judged. Love thy neighbor as yourself? My bible is missing the exception of the gay people. Show me where it says love your neighbor unless he/she is LBGT.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this and that is okay. I just thought by posting it publically it might help in some unknown indirect way. If nothing else it just feels good to vent and tell my side of things for once. I am learning to do this with the help of this board and therapy. This aty least helped to relieve some of the pent up angry energy I have been feeling.

While writing this I have heard my gf wake up 2 times. She said she is having more nightmares.

It is now tomorrow and a new day. I am going to leave this on the cyber shelf and push on. I am going to make something positive happen today come tos or high water.

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:07pm

>>>Greed for money and greed for power are both such ugly things... this administration REEKS of such ugliness.<<<


I completely agree with you Nony - on BOTH counts.


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 7:07pm
(((((((Hugs Laurie)))))) I just read your post.. I do hope your feeling

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 9:12pm
I think it is nice that you and your significant other have each other. It seems as though she's there for you and you are there for her. I know that after my uncle had his open heart surgery, he needed his wife to bathe him and dress him. It is good to have someone to cover your back, so to speak, when you need it.

:) rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 2:04am
rj, yes, you are so right. I will never take her for granted.

And we always tell each other how lucky we are to have each other.

Thank you,

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html

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