My house is on the market

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
My house is on the market
16
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:24pm
Well, my house went on the market this weekend, the realtor held an open house yesterday and I don't think it will take long to sell. I have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing, my kids are really upset and I feel so guilty for wrecking everyone's world. It's very hard and quite a bit depressing, but I don't really see what other choice I have. The bottom line is that I am in love with my gf and don't want to be married to my husband anymore. I can't go on with my life living a lie and pretending to be someone that I'm not, it would be lying to myself, my husband, my children, and to everyone else; I don't have any other choices, I have to follow through with this scary as it is.

My mother "outed" me to my very conservative uncle and aunt who live in PA. I wasn't planning on telling them anything except that dh and I are getting divorce and the reasons are personal. He told my mom that he wanted to fly out here and talk some sense into both of us; he says there is NO reason to EVER get a divorce if there are three children involved. Why does everyone think that I can just turn off my feelings and forget what I've experienced, is that even possible? Why would I want this? Do people do that? I don't know why everyone is so judgmental and unreasonable, I'm so over feeling like I have to try to explain over and over and over again that I'm in LOVE with someone else and I don't think that it's fair to expect my husband to just accept that and I can't and won't just stop loving her. Also my uncle, aunt, and mother are questioning how I could possibly, just overnight, become a lesbian. They don't believe me either.

I keep trying to tell myself that this is just a process and I will get through it.

Scarlett

Scarlett
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:20pm

(((((((Scarlet)))))))


Yes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:32pm
Scarlet, I know exactly how you feel. I know this is so difficult, I still struggle. My divorce is final and sometimes when I am home alone packing/seperating things, or walking up the driveway from the mailbox, I look around at my beautiful home/yard and feel so bad. I feel bad because my daughter had it made, and now she has divorced parents. Her mom is a lesbian and people are whispering about me behind her back, or asking her questions. Family is quizzing her constantly and she isn't sure who to tell and who not to. I don't even know. The guilt can be overwhelming. I can't help but question if it would have been better to hide my true feelings just a little longer, for my daughter, there's no question, I should have. I feel so bad about being true to myself and what I feel was fair to my husband, at her expense. But, my decisions are made and now I just have to put all the pieces of her life back together as best I can. I am debating over being completely honest with everyone or keeping things private - I still haven't decided. I imagine I will be up against the same "overnight lesbian" comments that you are. This is tough, no doubt. We'll be ok. (I keep saying that hoping the day will come soon)sandra

Sandr

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:46pm

{{{{{{{{{{Sandra}}}}}}}}}}


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:49pm
THanks Pam, I needed that. big kiss to you! Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:15am

*HUGS* for Sandra and Scarlett.. from another latebloomer. LOL


I have a thought I want to express to you, but the words won't find any logical flow or assemble themselves for a quick, smooth answer. I'm going to try anyway, so please bear with me?


Okay... When we leave our husbands for another person (man or woman) our families worry that we've been blinded by fresh romance, a new relationship... and can't properly value what we've already got. To them, we're comparing an idealized, 'barely-known' quantity to something we know inside out, warts and all. They see us with stars in our eyes, disconnected from reality.


The point that I stressed to my mother was that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I DID have a gf at the time, but I knew it wasn't going to last. So I wasn't comparing him to her when I spoke to my mom or to my kids. What I stressed was the way I felt about myself when I was with him compared to when I was not. I didn't leave him for her, I left him for ME.


That he-man , she-woman role... I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to defer, I wanted to be equal. (Yes, I know they say there ARE some fab men out there who'd never expect their wives to defer.. but I don't believe it) I'd try to stand up when it mattered, he'd roar and I'd end up bowing cos I don't roar myself. I am a strong, smart person with goals and dreams for my life that would never be realized if I stayed with him. The friendship that drew us together was dead and the bits that remained just weren't worth my giving the rest of my life for.


What I tried really hard to do was to show why he and I weren't right together any longer, keeping the sexuality issue separate;


1) The love that tempers our judgement of all those stupid things they do... just wasn't there anymore.


2) I can never picture myself with another man.


I got the same 'it's just a phase' crap, but I just let it roll right off. *shrug* I figure they're going to rationalize their way through the mental adjustment, eventually some time mark will go by and we'll have passed beyond 'phase'.


My family understood why I needed to be out of that marriage. They may never understand the lesbian aspect, but they accept it and Lou as being important parts of who I am. It took a while, but they love me and I really couldn't ask for much more. Maybe a similar approach might work for both of you as well?


*hugs* ~ Nony


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:56am
Thank you Nony, you made some great points that I will keep in mind when I am forced to explain the unexplainable. Big hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:24am

(((((((((((((Scarlett)))))))))))))))


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:32am

Nony... you always say the most meaningful things.... you really tap into a lot of my own experiences.

Kim
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:57am

Your capacity for expression with the English language never ceases to amaze me.


Hugs!


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:39am

Selling the house was one of the more difficult rites-of-passage in my divorce.

Kim
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