Not too happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Not too happy
19
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:09pm
I've had a bad day. I'm going to share it.

I feel as if my life is slowly falling apart. Everything is slowly cracking up. The things that once gave me strength seem to be fading.

School- Once school gave me hope of getting a better education. Now I find myself lacking just 4 classes to graduate. Yet, not knowing when those 4 classes will be offered. Leaving me in no man's land. Wandering...

Job- Well, today at work, I had it out with the boss. I'm probably in trouble now. Anyway, my boss doesn't have a degree. I'm in school as I mentioned earlier. I get this feeling by his actions and words that sometimes he is intimated by me taking classes. Today, I had to help set up for a stupid show. I hate them! Anyway, he quickly pulls out some cable and says crimp it. Well, I've never crimped cable. So, I asked him to please show me. Well, he doesn't show me the entire process. So, not knowing, I do exactly as I'm shown. When I'm finished, I ask him if I did it right and he begins laughing. He says that I really screwed up and tells me I'll have to start over again. I asked him what I did wrong and he mentions something that he didn't even show me. I ask him why he didn't show me the entire process and he doesn't answer. I lost my temper and walked up to him and said that if he couldn't show me how to do it properly I was returning back to the plant to do my usual job. He said, "Go back then!" And, I did.

I could type more, but I think you get the jist. I'm so tired of everything. This guy who is my boss is suppose to be my friend as well. But, lately he hasn't acted much like a friend.

I don't want to bring anyone down here, but I'm tired of my life. The thing is, I'm all out of suggestions as to what I should do to make it better. That scares me. But what is also difficult is finding true friends in life. You have so many people who want to lie and manipulate you. Where are the real friends out there? Where are the people who really care? Where are the people who will be straight up with you? Where are the people who are happy when you are happy and sad when you are sad? And, where are the people who rejoice when you are successful?

I know why people drink now. Or, do drugs too. I'm so miserable, yet I'm so afraid at the same time. I feel as if I don't know which direction is up anymore. I feel as if I cannot depend on logic because nothing happens they way you plan it. If I feel asleep tonight and didn't wake up, I don't think I would be too sad about that either. (I'm not suicidial BTW)

For once in my life, I would like for someone to accept me for who I am. Not for what they want me to be. I want them to except my low income, my lack of education, my short height, my economy car, and my small apartment. I want them to like ME.

Since I've been single and living in the closet, I've felt like an outsider. I go to the gay church and it is all couples. I feel like an outsider. I go to family get-togethers at Thanksgiving/Christmas. I feel like an outsider. I'm tired of being an outsider.

I'm just so tired of my life.

You know, a while ago, I saw the weekly meeting schedule in the paper. One community meeting was named, "Healing Homosexuality." It meets every Monday. I'm scared of stuff like that. I have held the belief that it cannot be healed. But, here lately, I feel like I need somebody's help.

You know, if I were to talk with a psychic tonight and she/he were to say, "rj, I'm sorry, but I see no romantic love in your lifetime, but I do see an abundance of honest friends." I would be fine with that. I could handle that. What I cannot deal with much longer is this caged life I'm leading. This hide who you are. Fear being who you are. Being rejected of friendship by someone because they find out you are gay. Or, a lesbian couple will not hang out with you because you are single. I'm tired of these rules that seem to inhibit and make my life solitare.

You know something is wrong when you entertain the thought of dying in your sleep as a better thing than waking.

Anyway, I hope I've not brought anyone down. That wasn't my intention. It is just that I didn't want to go to bed with all this negative stuff not being released. I feel some better now that I've been able to type this.

Thanks for your time. And, God bless. And, for time's sake, I've not done a spell check or grammar check. So, if you find mistakes, please disregard them. Thanks.

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:46pm
Hi and ((((((Hugs My Dear Friend))))) Well You posted your downs probably just around time I did..
I am sorry your feeling so down Hon... So sad..
I know your problems are way more than mine..
You know I am here and you can e-mail me anytime about any thing you feel.. I totally understand your caged in feelings.. I wrote something years ago about being caged in---held down..
I do understand your feelings RJ and I do care and Hon..I do accept you for who you are and all in your lifestyle.. Believe me I was kinda saying something about jobs and skills and knowledge just a couple days ago to~S~ and was questioning her and feeling down.. I can tell ya more in e-mail.. any how she tried to make me see or understand and she did some but not completely but by no fault of hers..
You are a very wothwhile person RJ and I know what if feels like to think along the lines your thinking and I can say I can't do anything for you except let you know I am here and try to think of ways to help..And I know you did not ask for help or any comments back on this post ....Sometimes we just like listening and no advice

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:04pm


{{{{{{{{{rj}}}}}}}}}}. rj, when people use drugs and drink alcohol, they do it to hide from their feelings, your doing everything but. I've always been told that there's a boundary between bosses and employees. Your boss seems to be abusing that boundary, and mabe he's jealous because you're taking the necessary steps to do better for yourself and he's stuck with where he's at. That's his problem. Not yours. Keep the faith in your education, keep going with what your doing. Believe me, you'll feel beter about yourself in the end.

Along with Cat, you can e-mail me through my profile if you're interested.


 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:00pm
rj, hang in there. Be strong because you are the only one who can change your life. Is the option of another job there? IMO, your boss sounds like a jerk (just giving the milder version so not to be tossed) It sounds like u have been in your job to long. How long have u been there? In my honest opinion, I would find another job and hang in there about your degree. It will come with patience and more money. If you want, u can email me. I am here for u. Hope I could help in the mean time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:23am
((((((((((rj))))))))))

I know how it can feel to be down that low.

I am sorry that you have come to this place.

I also know that it is not easy to pull yourself out of it.

Who can we help you to find some friends to hang out with?

I read cat's post as the two of you must have been writing your posts at about the same time.

Even though I wish I could fix everything I know that I can't. So I tried to tuck cat in with a little bedtime story.

Here is one for you too,



A 21st century Bedtime story,

Once upon a time there was a polyamourous women who thought she should be treated like a princes. She slept with seven tall challenged men at the same time. The neighbors knew why this seven heighth challanged men were happily whistling on their way to work every morning.

Some of the neighbors just looked the other way but most were very jealous even though they would never admit it.

One man was sooooo jealous that he lured the polyamourous woman over to his house under the pretense of sharing some fruit salad.

But it was soon evident that the fruit was laced with a date rape drug that put the princess like woman into a deep sleep so that this neighbor could have his way with her.

He then left her in the woods and went to church. For he knew that the seven people of small stature would find her on their way home from work. After all he did not want harm to come to her. Besides he told himself on the way to church, she was asking for it, why else would a woman eat fruit salad with her neighbor.

The other neighbors pretended not to know anything. They could not afford to get involved in such a scandal and be interviewed on court tv.

They new what was up when they heard the happy wistling come to an abrupt tStop, with the exception of one lone whistler who was always slow to catch on.

They looked down at their pricess and thought to themselves, she must be trying to tell us something.

But they could not figure it out.

Say they took her home and splashed cold water in her face so she could cook them dinner.

As she came to she just figure she had one to many bloody marys that afternoon and started to cook dinner for her seven men who were not so tall but made up for it in other areas.

Then it was business as usual and they all lived happily ever after and never could figure out why the princes like lady would take naps in the woods every sunday morning.

The end,

Sleep tight,

Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 1:16am
RJ, I am sorry you had such a bad day and that you feel so down. Everyone here accepts you for who you are, and will share in your joys as well as your sorrows. Don't ever resort to self destructive behavior such as drinking or drugs, that only inhibits you further. Keep being strong, and when you have a breakdown come tell us about it. That's what friends are for. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:36am

rj~


Your boss is a jerk. Perhaps he is intimidated but on this occasion his behavior may be due more to stress from the show. Doesn't excuse his

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:14am
Thank you CAT. I'm feeling some better this morning. Going to work hard on my attitude.

Thanks so much for your kind post,

rj :)

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:15am
Thank you Gigi. I appreciate your kindness.

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:17am
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to post your kind message.

I did think about job hunting locally last night. I had planned on staying where I currently am employed until after I graduated. You know, keep a good, long job history. It looks more stable to employers. But, I must either find a way to let things roll off my back, or I need to find a new job.

Thanks again,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:18am
Thanks Laurie. Hugs!

rj :)


Edited 10/27/2004 7:19 am ET ET by just_call_me_rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

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